The Meeting

Spare Time

Today is the final of the World Cup but it's also the anniversary of my Mum's passing. My family have organised a small get together so we can remember her and also to watch the final. Dad and I laid flowers on the grave this morning, we had a little cry as we always do but our tears quickly turned to laughter as we spoke of mum and her favourite jokes, most used sayings and best stories. When my mum died, everyone said it would get easier with time and to a degree I suppose it did, I no longer immediately thought of the times I was rude to her as a teenager or the days she wanted to do something and I went out with my friends instead. Now when I thought of her, the feelings I felt were pride and love. Pride that she had been my mum and love for the person she was.

The family showed up shortly after 2pm and we ate dinner together before playing against each other in a massive game of swing ball. This had been a family tradition since we used to go camping. Those trips were filled with nothing but laughter. We probably visited every campsite on the island of Ireland, Dad finding something to complain about with every one. As I watched my uncle Martin and auntie Barbara battle it out, sweating profusely and tiring quickly, I took a video of the commotion and posted it on my Twitter.

AlexRyanMusic: A family game of swing ball can quickly turn just as competitive as the World Cup... Good luck Lionesses!

We sat down to watch the match, I got that familiar feeling in my chest as I watched Leah lead her team out. She looks nervous, closing her eyes as she lines up before the match and clutching onto Mary Earps as she sings. If I could reach through the tv and cuddle her I would but that's not my job anymore and I'm trying to stop thinking about it.

"I miss Leah." My little cousin Aoife blurted out from across the room.

"You only met her once, silly!" I said, trying to focus on the football.

"Yeah but remember she chased me and played hide and seek? And she cut up my chicken for me. I miss her." She said, innocence on her face not realising that those memories were hurting my heart.

"I remember. I bet she misses you too!" I said, trying to lighten the mood.

"Can we call her after?" Aoife asked.

"No, but maybe I can send her a picture of you in your top. She'll be busy though so she might not have time to reply!" I had to cover myself, incase Leah didn't want to hear from me and decided to ignore it. I didn't even know if my number would still be in her phone, do I text her? No, I'll send it on Instagram. That was it's more from Aoife than from me.

The match ended 2-1 to England and I watched as Leah lifted more silverware for her country. To the rest of the world, she looked like the happiest person in the world but to someone that knew her like I did, I could tell something was up. Her mouth smiled but her eyes looked glum. She carried herself well though, always had. Aoife was running about in circles screaming "Go Leah, Go Leah!" and in that moment all I could think about was the fact I should be celebrating with her tonight at the friends and family party. She hated those, hated the awkwardness of mingling and would always cling to me, giving me the eyes to go to bed to get away from the madness. On those nights, Leah would be exhausted and even more affectionate than she normally was. As quickly as I began to think about cuddling Leah into me, I started to think about her holding Harriet. I'd thought about this a lot, wondering if she had played with her hair the way she did with mine, wondering if she had whispered I love you in her ear in between kisses on her neck. I wondered if she had woken up during the night and placed soft kisses on Harriet's back, like she used to do with me. This is why we would never work now, I told myself.

I was snapped out of my thoughts by Aoife, who had remembered that I had said I would send Leah a photograph of her. I couldn't resist, she looked so cute in her Lionesses top and I was a sucker for her, always had been since the day she was born. I took a video of Aoife, grinning into the camera saying 'well done Leah and the Lionesses from our family and auntie Alex. We are having a World Cup party tonight but it probably won't be as good as yours. See you sometime!' and giving the thumbs up.

I opened instagram and thought about not sending it but I couldn't do that on Aoife. I opened my message thread with Leah and added the video in, typing a message that read 'someone wanted to say well done'. I don't know if Leah had her phone in her hand and accidentally clicked the message but as soon as I sent it, she started typing.

Leah: Wow Aoife you look great in that top! I would much rather be at your World Cup party🥰 Everyone here says thank you! I miss you little one x

Aoife was absolutely delighted with her quick message back from Leah. She jumped up and down on the spot as I read it out to her. I double clicked the message to like it, not wanting Leah to think I had forced Aoife into it for my own benefit or anything like that.

As my family began to leave, I headed up to bed tired from running about after everyone all day. I was just nodding off to sleep when my phone buzzed and as I looked to see who it was, panic set in. I had a message from Leah, was she telling me it was unfair of me to send her that video? Was she annoyed that I liked her message? Maybe she was going to tell me she had met someone new. I opened my phone and clicked into the message that she had now sent me as an iMessage rather than through instagram.

L - Hey, are you still awake?

A - Yeah, just about. Are you okay? Congratulations btw.

L - I'm okay. Thank you, that video from Aoife made me smile, I miss her.

A - She misses you too, she talked about you allllllll day haha

L - Do you?

A - Do I what?

L - Doesn't matter. How are you?

A - I'm okay. Back home for a while.

L - Everything okay?

A - All good, just taking a few months off. Been a busy year.

L - Yeah, I saw your tour schedule. Pretty mental. I bet your Dad is proud.

A - It was and he is. Aren't you at the party?

L - I was. In bed already, you know me.

A - Swift exit pretending you were going for air?

L - Always.

A - Night Le.

L - Goodnight Al.

I put my phone down for a few moments but I kept thinking about that 'do you' message.

Fuck it.

A - Le?

L - Yeah?

A - The answer is yes.

L - What answer?

A - The answer to your question.

L - I think about you every second of every day.

A - Me too, Le. Me too.

L - Will it ever go back to how it was?

A - No, I don't think so.

L - I hate myself for what I've done. Can't I prove to you that I will be different?

A - No Le, I can't trust you anymore. Not now.

And with that, I closed my eyes and went to sleep. I didn't know if I would hear from Leah again, I wasn't even sure if I wanted to. For now though, she knew I missed her. She knew I was proud of her. She also knew that the damage she caused was irreparable. That was enough for me.

I need to heal.