+*+* Chaos Is Beautiful +*+*

Chaos Can't Be Changed

But it wasn't. It was . . not in the best shape but it provided a roof. That's all that matters to me.

I climb up the staircase dreading the scene to unfold in front of my eyes.

"Ethan."

No matter how many times I've said his name I always end up whispering it out. Out of anger or . . .

Fear.

I look at the small corridor which located 2 rooms. 1 sitting room and a bedroom. The bedroom door was thankfully closed, and the lights were off. 

I wish it was the same for the other.

The shadow of the couch was visible outside because of the slightly open door. Small cracks of light escaped due the small holes in the door.

I hear soft snores inside. I was hoping he was asleep.

Ethan and me. We had a more . . complicated relationship. He's nice to me.

Or I should technically say was nice to me. These days he rushes of to work in the morning and ends up coming home drunk. When he's drunk, he says things he doesn't mean to say.

There was a part of me that wanted to leave. I had already cheated on him. And for me to cheat on him he had to have cheated on me. So, we weren't even in a good relationship. This part of me was the only remaining piece of me from 2 years ago.

I slowly thought about my previous statement. Things he doesn't mean to say.

People have always mentioned. Drunk words are sober thoughts.

Sure, maybe he was a bit rude at times, but he wasn't that bad.

But the thing is he was. And I keep trying to defend him when I should be running. I've had problems because of him. I wondered if any of this happened to Toby.

No. He's probably somewhere in America with someone he really loves.

I know he would've moved on. Left me. I always wondered why he didn't say bye or ever ask if I wanted to go out for some coffee or just some form of contact.

I loved him like I would have never loved again. His love though was something else.

I gave up that diamond for a piece of shiny glass.

I thought it would be the same. Feel the same. I don't know why I did it in the first place. Why I broke his heart. Maybe it's because I was afraid, I would break mine.

After I left him, I have had multiple relationships. Ethan and I split up a few times.

And the thing is that even though I've gone and hooked - up and kissed and liked more people that a sane person would I still wasn't ever able to find someone like him.

I snap out of my thoughts when I hear a slurring voice.

"Babe, is that you." He drags out.

"Yes. I'm here."

He was lying down on the couch with a bottle in his hand. He sat up and looked at me dead in the eye.

"Where the HELL WERE YOU !" He shouted as he threw the glass bottle onto the floor to shatter into pieces.

"I was at practice Ethan. I told I would be back late." I gasped out. I was searching for air, but I couldn't find it. My heart was racing because I didn't want him to start getting physical again.

It was only a few times. He was REALLY drunk then. I think he went and did some other stuff too.

"Do you think I GIVE A DAMN about your SHITTY BAND!" He screamed edging closer to me. My back was against the door so I couldn't run. Not like I could have anyways. I was frozen with fear.

His eyes were cloudy. Normally cloudy eyes were a sign of love. That they were thinking about something with the more passionate flames.

But to me cloudy eyes always meant I would be crying that night.

He screamed once again. "WHO THE HELL EVEN TOLD YOU, YOU COULD GO. YOU'RE A SELF ABSORBENT BITCH. THINK YOU CAN GO WHEREVER YOU WANT?"

He pauses to take a gulp of whatever was in the bottle on the floor.

"It doesn't surprise me."

Tears were already running down slowly. Excruciatingly slow. I couldn't stand it. I deserved this. For leaving. Then Ethan says something he has been mentioning a lot these days.

"You should just go. Disappear. It's not like anyone would care if you left. Or maybe I should. I'll leave and never come back. As long as I don't have to see your stupid, ugly face again.

That's why the mask and glasses resting upon my face were there in the first place. I hated my face. I only have ever shown it to a few people. All those people I lost.

My eyes were still slowly dripping. Like a wound which was stabbed. The blood flows so slow your tempted to just pull out the knife and end it all. Just let everything out. But I couldn't. If I cried even more, he would get mad.

He was muttering some nonsense under his breath. I didn't recognize anything except the words, " I will leave soon. And before I leave, I hope you go and disappear like you were meant to."

He collapsed after that. In my tears I lifted him up and left him on the couch. I lay his head down and cover him with my blanket. I could sleep cold tonight. Maybe then I would finally disappear.

I cried that night. My mask was soaking wet. I had to wash it. I rinsed in the sink in front of a broken mirror. It was shattered because I shattered it. Well, I did. So did Ethan. We were responsible for the almost 2-inch scar near my temple. I wash the mask with my special soaps. Even after 2 years or more I was still the one with the best soaps and shampoos.

Maybe. Perhaps Toby is better now. Who knows.

On the topic of him, Tubbo looked an awful lot like Toby. I don't know. Toby was colourful and bright. Tubbo looked like he had gone through depression.

He was the opposite of Toby. His voice was deeper but higher at the same time. His eyes were cold and empty. I felt like they were extra bitter that time. I don't have any idea why though.

Maybe if I had used my head, I could have found Toby. And apologised. And ask him to return my heart back.

But that wouldn't have worked.

Because all Tubbo and I were and still are, was chaos. And at first it was fine. At first it wasn't madness.

But the moment I left that day. The moment I saw his face when I left. The moment I figured out that everything was gone, that was the moment I realized . . .

That some things would stay chaotic.

And chaos can't be changed.

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+*+* A/n - I'm sorry about Ranboo but I needed some angst on this story and the only way to receive it is to do this.

This is a really short chapter to fill you guys in on what's going on in Ranboo's life.

I will be uploading more often after 23rd September when my exams are done. I will also create a schedule for my uploading. Please don't expect any uploads this week cuz I have 5 exams in a row and studying is exhausting. I will try my best to upload next week though.

Thank you guys soo much btw. We're super close to 800 reads and I can't really believe it.

Hope you slay ~ today and remember I'm always open for any problems and I'll always love you <33 :)