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I don't wanna die, but sometimes wish Id never been born at all
Death is inevitable, everyone will die but sometimes its how we die that affects people. For some its old age, some its freak accidents, some suicide and the list goes on. Elliana didnt want to die, she didnt love life but she never sat there and thought of taking it, but she did wish she was never born. She sat most nights and would wish her mother and father never had sex, wished there was a problem with the birth and she died, wished the universe would of knew how her life would of turned out and stopped it before it could happen.
I'm glad she's here though, I have known Elliana for 936 days, and for them days she made an impact on my life.
For the 345 days Ash had known Elli not only did she make an impact but she also took a piece of him. When I met Ash he was stubborn, dangerous and somewhat mean. He still is. But when Elli came into his life he changed, not for others but for himself, he saw hope in this messed up world and he saw how life should be lived. Little did he know it could be ripped away from him.
When I herd about what had happened I came straight to the hospital, I consoled Fez while he cried and I watched Ash, not once did he cry, not once did he speak, not once did he look at me. He only looked away from the white wall that stood between us and Elli when the nurse came.
Ash
"Are you the patience family?" The young nurse asked, I Looked at my older brother, he wiped his tears and stood.
"Yeah, I'm her brother" He said, the nurse just nodded and led us down the hall, Fez was right behind her while Rue stood close to me. She placed her hand on my shoulder and squeezed it, normally I would of took it off me and make a comment about how I have no idea where her hands had been or made a snarky comment, but right now I don't want to, I just want to see my girl.
We walked half way down the hall until we stopped at a door.
145
The nurse opened the door and we rushed in, When I saw her lying in that bed, pale and weak I could of thrown up, every time I look at her I freeze, the memory now clouds my mind and takes over my thoughts.
I walk over to her, Fez already sat on the seat next to her holding onto her hand. Plugs are covering her keeping her alive. I watch as her hair is matted and the blankets that take over her body seem like there weighing her down. When I take a closer look I see that her cheek bones are dented in, her hospital gown hanging off her, when the hell did she get this thin?
I watch as Fez clung onto her like he did a few hours ago, I tried not to intervene and stop him but I don't think he realised how weak she is.
"Fez" I say, he just continues to squeezing her hand as he lets his emotions go "Fez" I say again this time bringing my hand to hers. I pull back as I feel the temperature, she's ice cold, I feel a shiver go down my back like I have taken her pain.
"Fez remember she's weak, you might want to be careful" Rue says as she reads my mind, I look at her only to see her looking at me, she gives a small nod and stands up "How about we go get a drink Fez" She says trying to somehow console me and him.
He shakes his head adamant he is staying, as I look at him I see Rue shift in the corner of my eye, she moves over to him and brings him up "When she wakes up she will wan t something to drink, how about we go get it"
The two walk out leaving me with her, I sit in the chair Fez had just been in and move it closer to her, even though we only a few meters away from each other I feel miles apart like we couldn't be any further.
I take hold of her hand holding it like its worth billions, I hold it gentle and bring it up to my lips and gently kiss it, her cold hand somehow give me warmth, her touch alights me and keeps me alive even if she isn't conscious.
I spend about 10 minuets like this until I gain confidence to speak.
"I'm so sorry" I don't know why I'm apologising but I am, I feel like this is my fault, It is my fault.
"I didnt mean to do this I promise you, I just wanted you to be okay and now I've Killed y-, now I've lost you" I say between sobs, I kiss her hand again and let the tears roll onto it.
"When I met you, I knew we had something I knew as soon as you walked into my life you were going to be the hardest person to walk out, you changed me for the better you helped me, gave me courage something I didnt know I had, and you gave me life" I look up and watch as I see no movement, I sigh and cry. I cry like no man ever has. Like no man ever should.
"You once told me I could be something in this world, you had hope for me something no one else had in me, I don't want to live if your not in my life, I can't breathe when your not around Like you take my lungs wherever you go. I look at my life and I only see you, I only ever have." I drop her hand and lean both elbows on the bed and rest my head on her lap.
"You opened up to me and that night I watched you sleep in my arms, I watched as your eyelashes would flutter in your sleep, as your head would move closer into me, as your heart would beat next to mine. That night I knew I had to be with you, I knew we had to be with each other, but we can't be if you don't fight, I need you to fight, to give everything you have because your Elliana the girl with 800 lives the girl who will live on to be an amazing fashion designer and a incredible mother, so font let this be your last life, live for you, for fez... for me, so done let this be your last life, live for your sister.
I feel a movement, her hand twitches and I don't take a second before I'm up I run out and down the hall, when I see no nurses I do the only thing I know would help.
"SHE'S AWAKE, NURSES" I scream as I run down the hall "SHE'S AWAKE AND CONCIOUS" I scream running up and down as I see nurses rushing to me, I didnt even notice but I'm smiling. She's awake.
I head back to the room behind the 3 nurses and hear something loud down the hall, I turn to see Fez running like there is no tomorrow with a cup of water spilling out of the cup.
He stops Infront of me and waits for the words he needs, I look up at him "She's awake" I repeat, he pushes past me and into the room.
