is there a second chance? // dnf

break up.

I pull out a cigarette and light it on. It was along time ago since i smoked last, cause George didn't like it.

I stopped for George and now he replaced me in one day.

while i wait for the bus, George and Kai pass by me. Of course George looked at my cigarette, but he didn't say anything.

he just continued to walk.

as soon as the bus came i got in it and sat myself down. I hope Jake is home, otherwise i would pay the drive way for nothing.

George surely knows that i'm going to Jake, but even about that.. he doesn't fucking care.

he stayed quiet.

how even is his new partner and did i really treated him bad? I tried my best and we didn't even fought that much.

i cared about him.

i stayed up with him all night when he couldn't sleep or was sick. I brought him breakfast to bed almost every morning.

I protected him, I helped him, because of me he finished school! I did something against his nightmares!

I cared about him! I did everything for him!
he was the one that treated me bad, not me him.

I did everything for him.

the bus stops, i quickly get out and make my way to Jakes apartment. It already smells like drugs and alcohol.

"Jake, it's me Clay!" i say as i ring the bell over and over again. "dude, i was sleeping." he says as he opens the door.

I walk inside without asking and sit myself down on his sofa. "how long has it been since i saw you?" he says as he sits himself down next to me.

"about two years I guess." i laugh "and you're still taller than me." he laughs.

"what do you need?" Jake asks "i need drugs. It was so long since i had them." i say. "you were clean for two whole years?" he asks me shocked.

"hell yes." i say with a smirk on my face "then don't start again. It's gonna be hard to stop." he says.

"stop with this shit." i laugh "anyways, i have the money and i want heroin and a syringe."
"nah dude! I'm not gonna let you start taking that shit again." Jake says.

"I have the fucking money." i say "I don't care. heroin is too bad. i'm still not clean and i could die anytime now. and i remember how hard it was for you to get clean." he tells me.

"come on dude! it's me, Clay." i say "yes! and because it's you, Clay, i won't give it to you." he says.

"I'll go and look somewhere else for it. either you give me the drug and take the money or someone else gets it." i say.

he stays quite and thinks.

"only once. I'll never give you that shit again, alright?" he says as he gets up "yes! give me the shit!" i say with a smile on my face.

after a few seconds he comes back with a syringe and a little bit of heroin. "try to not get addicted to it again." he says "thanks man!" i say and lay the money and the table.

I walk out of the apartment and sit myself down somewhere, where none is. I take a spoon out, my heroin with the syringe and my lighter.

I put the heroin on the spoon and turn my lighter on. I put the fire under the spoon and melt the heroin for a few seconds.

then i take the syringe and pull the heroin inside of it.

Is this really a good idea?

I pull my sleeves up and place the syringe on my vein.

i should stop.

i slowly press the heroin in my vein as i throw my head back.

you should stop!

i pull the syringe out and throw it away to the ground. I breath very loud as i relax myself. suddenly an amazing feeling rushes through my whole body.

the feeling is so amazing that it can not be true. I feel like flying, my whole body is relaxed and it just feels fucking amazing!

I completely forgot how it feels like.

I get up and start to walk home while my whole body feels like heaven. suddenly i nod and my eyes get closed, but i continue to walk.

the feeling rushing through my whole body while the world seems heavy. I feel like i'm flying home, not walking.

It feels so fucking amazing that i can't even describe it. the music in my ear is perfect and  when i look up again i see that i'm home.

I walk inside the apartment and throw myself on the couch. i feel fucking adorable, i feel perfect!

I feel amazing!

________

I slowly open my eyes and see that i'm still on my couch. Then i remember what happened yesterday.

the heroin, i really took it again!

it felt amazing. it felt fucking amazing. so amazing that i could only think about how amazing i felt.

I didn't think about George or any of my problems, my pain was gone. It didn't exist. I just felt amazing.

i love that shit.

It's a bit sad cause i was clean for about two years, but i'm also a little happy cause i got the feeling back.

:]