Don't Say You Love Me

Chaprer Forty Three

    "Cohen." Teegan looks distraught, and I know I have to tell her.

    "Rex was in a car, leaving the party. In Santa Maria." The words come out choppy and I sit up, throwing my legs over the side of the hammock. Teegan is waiting, but I just want to run. "There was an accident."

    "Oh my god," Teegan breathes out. "Cohen, is he okay?"

   I don't know how to answer that, so I shake my head. "His mom... she said I need to go. To the hospital. How the fuck am I going to get there?"

   Teegan stands up and pulls out her phone. "I'll text my mom. We can use her car."

   I know Teegan is trying to help. Of course she is. But she doesn't understand. This is my best friend. Rex has been there for me through so much. I'm in shock and she's thinking clearly.

   I nod, because I don't know what else to do.

  "Teegan," I say, but I don't know why.

     She's looking down at her phone.

   "Teegan," I repeat.

    "Yeah?" she asks, still looking at her phone.

    I stand up and start walking in circles. It's hitting me now that something bad has happened. I can still hear Rex's mom's voice in my ear. Please, come.

    "Teegan, I have to go!" I yell, as I'm turning to walk away from her, frantic.

    "Cohen!" she yells back, because I'm leaving. Literally. I stop and look at her. That is when I realize she's been texting her mom. "My mom said we can use her car. C'mon."

   Nothing feels real as we walk side by side down the gravel road for the five minutes it takes to get to her mom's house. There she is, my boss, standing on the front steps. I checked my phone at some point and I know it's after midnight now, but Reese is standing there in pajamas, looking worried.

  "Teegan, please. Drive safely," she says, handing her the keys to her minivan.

    Teegan nods and gives her mom a quick hug. I'm watching this unfold but I still feel like I'm not really here, like maybe I'm watching a show on TV and this isn't really happening to me.

   I turn without making eye contact with Reese and look at the minivan as Teegan comes back down the steps and over to me. She reaches for my hand. She must know I'm unstable on my own.

   "Call me when you get there," Reese calls out as I open the passenger door and slip into the vehicle.

   It smells like candy in here. Like warmth and love and a family that spends a lot of time in here together. I want to be appreciative that Teegan woke her mom so late to ask to borrow her van so we can drive thirty minutes to Santa Maria, but I just feel angry. I stare out the window as Teegan backs out of the driveway and punches in the hospital address into the GPS. I don't feel anything besides disbelief and anger, so I don't bother saying anything.

   Teegan drives and I look out the window and all of this feels very wrong. It was supposed to be our special night together. We did the dinner, the walk on the beach, and went back to my house. In my backyard, I told her that I love her for the first time. She told me that she loves me. All of this should have happened sooner, but it didn't. And everything felt okay, as we were making out in the hammock. Why did this phone call have to come?

   It feels like we get to the hospital in five minutes. I must have spaced out. Teegan pulls into a spot in the emergency parking and looks over at me. She doesn't know what to do and neither do I.

   "I can let you out here, and then I'll go park and come in and find you-" she begins, but I cut her off.

    "No. I'll just go in. You don't have to stay." The words, once again, don't sound like my own. Why the hell am I telling her to go?

    "Cohen, I -" she tries, but I shake my head.

    "Just go, Teegan. Please."

    I don't know if I don't want her to see me fall apart, or if I think I'll be able to handle this on my own, but this time she doesn't argue. She meets my eyes and just nods. I've hurt her, and I know that, but getting inside and seeing Rex is all that seems to matter.

   I know I should say something else, but I don't. I just push open the door and get out, closing it carefully behind me. I'm sure she keeps her eyes on me until I'm out of sight, inside the hospital. I'm torn but I just need to know that Rex is alive.

   I must look lost and disoriented because a woman behind the main desk calls out to me as I wander in.

   "Sir? Can I help you?"

   I look up. She's sitting but looking right at me. I try to take a breath. "I... yeah... I need to find Rex... err... Peter Rexton."

   She holds my eye contract for a second longer and then looks down at her computer. It feels like hours but I'm sure it's not before she starts typing and then looks up at me again.

  "Peter Rexton?" she repeats.

    I think I manage to nod.

  "He was brought in an hour ago." She pauses. "Is he family?"

    "He's my best friend."

    "He's in surgery. You can wait here." She motions to some chairs off to the side.

   I don't want to wait here. I want to tear through those double doors and scream and yell until someone lets me see Rex. But he's in surgery. That doesn't sound good. I nod at her and thank her and then turn to sit down in one of the blue plastic chairs.