Don't Say You Love Me

Chapter FORTY TWO

    "Yeah, but we try. Right?" I ask, feeling desperate for him to agree with me. "We try to stay together."

Cohen sips his drink and avoids looking at me for a few minutes. Finally, he nods. Not even answering the question with words is a bit heart breaking - more like very heart breaking - since I assumed that was what he wanted. I shouldn't have assumed.

After we eat in awkward silence, Cohen pays the bill and we leave, me a bit behind him. He leads me out past the parking lot and to the beach, where we keep walking. Tonight did not go at all how I expected it to go, though now I don't know what I expected. I was living in a bubble of happiness, assuming that even though the summer is over and I'm leaving in three days, Cohen and I would be okay. But now?

We walk all the way down to the rocks, past my mom's house, before turning back. This spot - those rocks - remind me of the first time I knew I really like him. And then I came down to meet him in this spot, after our fight about Lola. I want to stay in this spot, but it doesn't take long before he's turning and walking back.

We're holding hands but we aren't talking. Everything feels too heavy. It takes almost an hour from when we left the restaurant before we are back to his house, where we sit outside. He starts a fire, and we are still too quiet. I stare at the fire, listening to it crack and pop, as Cohen roasts a few marshmallows. He's trying to pretend like this is just a normal night for us. I feel like everything is about to blow up.

    "I'm not just sad, I'm angry. And it freaks me out a bit," he finally says, not looking at me.

    "Cohen, I-"

    "I love you, Teegan. Like, a lot. I have for weeks and I tried to tell you after that night my mom and Margo were here, and I know that night was a turning point for us, and-"

    "Cohen, I know," I interrupt. He finally looks over at me, anticipation all over his face. "I love you, too."

For a moment, he looks shocked but then he stands up and pulls me out of the chair I was sitting in. He has this serious look on his face as he leads me over to the hammock and falls into it. "You love me?"

    "I assumed you knew this," I say and then smile. "The last two weeks have been... intense."

    "I wanted to tell you that I love you a hundred times in the last two weeks," he admits. "I thought you didn't want to hear it."

    "I didn't. Because we both know that makes all of this..." I let my voice trail off.

    "I didn't know what would happen to us after you leave. But now I know you want to try. You want to be with me, even if we're across the country from each other?" he asks, still a bit cautious.

I nod and then lean down and nuzzle my face into his neck. He smells so good, like the exact smell I've come to associate with him. Sunscreen, cologne, beer, man. I'm addicted to it and I want to bottle it up and take that smell with me to college.

    "I'll get a job in San Diego and just work like crazy and save money, so I can come visit you," he says, then moves his head so he can kiss my cheek. "Yeah?"

    "Yes. And I'll fly back here to see you whenever I have a long weekend or a break." I mean it when I say that, but I can tell he doesn't believe it.

    "I don't want this to be our last night together," he says and the sadness in his voice just about does me in.

    "It won't be. I won't let it," I tell him quickly, tears filling my eyes.

And then he's kissing me, so fast and hard that I am taken back for a second. I kiss him back and let him be in control tonight. He needs this. We both do.

His hand is down my underwear and I'm moaning with my eyes closed and our tongues are wrapped around each other. I'm waiting for the right moment to break away so we can take this inside, but there's no good time to separate from him tonight. My mind is so blurry that I almost don't realize that the noise I'm hearing is his phone ringing. It's buzzing in his pocket, which is pressed against me. I feel the vibration but I'm so in this with him that I don't understand what's happening at first.

"Your... phone..." I mumble, not even breaking our kiss.

    "Don't... care..." he says back, kissing me harder, touching me faster.

I want to ignore it and let him continue what he's doing, because God, it's good, but something tells me to make him answer his phone. I'm pulling away from him and sitting up when his phone starts ringing again.

"You should answer," I say, missing his mouth on mine already.   

His eyes are still closed and his hand slowly slips out from between my legs. He groans and slides his phone out of his pocket. I see his expression change and then he presses a button and answers.

"Hello?"