In The Next Room

Chapter 6

Oh god. He heard me moaning. My body froze, my hand still located underneath the waistband of my panties. My heart was beating rapidly, out of control, a combination of the high of orgasm and the threat of getting caught.

I moved my head away from the wall, so that he wouldn't be able to see me as I watched him stand up, thick ropes of come dripping down his stomach. He sighed a disgusted sigh, shaking his head, then walked to the bathroom and flicked on the light, shutting the door behind him.

Moments later, I heard the water running, and I knew I was safe. I was still panting, my juices dripping down my thighs, and I was too distressed to think rationally.

Tears came to my eyes, as I forced myself to stand up and get into bed, wiping my hand on a towel that lay on the floor.

I listened to the sound of the shower running in the bathroom, trying to think through what just happened. Why... why is he different? Any other man I would have jumped his bones a long time ago, yet the thought of him finding out about me sends my heart into overdrive.

I knew that he wanted me now. I knew he was thinking about me when he was pumping himself, so why didn't I go and join him in the shower? Why did I have sex with Leo tonight?

I knew why, it was clear as day, according to my psych class, and to myself, for that matter.

I loved Locke. And so I didn't want to ruin him the same way I ruined Cole. The sobs wracked my chest as I went into emotional overdrive, the pain flooding my mind as I remembered Cole's death as though it had happened yesterday.

The tears streamed down my face as I thought of the boy I loved, his bloodied wrists and pink bathwater, the melody of the song echoing in the back of my mind. My eyes were closed tight, and all I could see was the image of him lying there, and it sent me over the edge into oblivion.

My heart physically ached as I wondered what I should've done instead. What if I had arrived half an hour early? What if his parents hadn't left? What should I have done? Why didn't he tell me he couldn't go on?

Why couldn't I make him stay?

Cole wasn't alive anymore. He's just an idea, a being that once was and now isn't, and I can't bring him back. There weren't any warning signs that I could see. We talked about everything. So why couldn't he tell me?

He knew what time of the month to bring me chocolate and ibproufen. He knew my birthday, my mother's birthday, my favorite books, my songs, my goddamn underwear size.

He was my future. And then he took it away.

Locke must have heard my cries, because the next thing I knew, a strong pair of arms were wrapped around me, holding me to his solid chest. I could feel the hard silk of his skin, his hand smoothing my hair and cradling my head to his chest.

My tears mixed with the soapy clean scent on his skin, making me cry more, knowing that I couldn't tell him why I was crying.

"You know I would take it away if I could, you know that, right?" he whispered, pressing his lips to the top of my head.

This only made me cry harder, because yes, I did know. Locke is the best thing that's happened to me since Cole was alive. And I can't move on with Locke. I don't deserve to move on. I can't.

He sighed, simply holding me for a long time, while my tears continued to come. "You can tell me, Ro," he whispered. "I won't judge. And I won't leave you."

"Go away," I lied, "I don't need you here."

"I can't stay away any longer, Ro," he whispered, his arms constricting around me, pressing our bodies together even tighter, until there was no space between our bodies. "So I'll be selfish. I won't leave."