Nevermore. {An Anorexia Story}

fat pills.

The lights look like the ones in the hall at school. The ceiling isn't mine either. I feel panic rising up to my throat. My heart races with anxiety as I hurriedly sit up. Memories come to mind. I'm in the car with my mom, she's saying things worriedly.

From the corner of the room my mom rushes over. She looks like she has been crying.

"Ivy, oh thank god. I-I-I heard a thud an-and I found you on the floor. Jesus Christ I thought you were dead!" tears fall from her eyes, as she stutters. My eyes go wide, I realize I'm in the hospital. An iv is attached to my arm. I jump at thinking how many calories are in it. Panic now rushes out of me with urgency.

How many calories are in that thing. TAKE IT OUT!

I know no matter how desperately I want to, I can't take it out. I need to play it cool.

"Oh. Well, I'm not dead," try and make her laugh. I know how much this will cost and how much more my mom will have to work and it kills me.

"Yah, I'm glad. Dr. Burke said we'll be out of here today. She says your iron deficient and is sending you home with pills," My mom explains. A sigh of relief escapes me, she doesn't know.

That means your fat. The fact that they didn't know right away means you need to lose more! God how many calories are even in the pills? You can't take them.

The doctor enters the room. "Hello Ivy! Are you experiencing any head pains?" she asks, while closing the door behind her. She is carrying a clipboard and a orange bottle of pills with a white sticker across it.

"Nope, none."

She sits down in the rolling chair by my bed. "Okay, so these are pills with about twenty milligrams of iron in them, you need to take them daily. Your mom says you can't be pregnant, are you sexually active?"

"Oh, no, not at all," I make a disgusted face. I've never been particularly interested in things like that.

"Okay," She says, checking boxes on her clipboard, "So, have you been eating regular meals and all?"

Play it cool! "Yup, I mean sometimes I'm late for school so I don't have breakfast, but my mom makes me food every day that I could never resist!" I add fake energy to my voice to make it seem like I'm totally good. The doctor nods and checks boxes again.

"Alrighty then, you should be good to go after the nurse comes in and takes your IV out" She hands me the bottle of pills and I smile at her. She returns the smile, "Okay, you guys have a good day!"

She walks out of the door, back to the hall to go do other things.

After a couple of minuets a nurse walks in with a kind smile and takes out my IV. "All-righty, you're good to go!"

I get up out of bed, and to my surprise, my vision doesn't go black. I also feel a bit less tired. It's weird.

You gained weight! Go weigh yourself. I bet that iv had thousands of calories and the pills they give you have thousands too! Nobody fucking likes you, you fat pig and now you make expenses for your mom. If you were skinny, they would like you.

I try not to let it show but I feel down. When I get home I will do more workouts.

My mom waits for me at the door as I stretch my tired legs. I walk with her out of the hospital to our crappy car that never has enough gas in it. My mom turns on the car and then blasts more rock music.

We get home after like ten minuets of driving through town. My mom stays silent the whole way, she's probably calculating how much she will have to work to pay this off. I feel horrible thinking about all the money I cost, how much food I waste. God why am I like this. I wish I could just appreciate everything my mom does for me properly.

You can show appreciation by actually looking good. Right now you look like fucking porky pig but porkier.

I feel nauseous from the guilt as we walk through the door. The house is the same, thrifted couches, old countertops, family heirlooms and all. I immediately go to my room and close the door behind me.

How many calories did they feed into you, how long will it take to burn off, go weigh yourself. What's the self worth?

I grab my phone off my nightstand and quick look up all of the calories. I don't know what they gave me though. I need to know.

A knock on my door startles me, I quick exit my Google searches, and click on a random game I have on my phone.
"Hey O--I mean Ivy, here's your prescription," My mom sheepishly walks into the room and it makes me wonder if I scare her. I don't really know how I could be scary but I still wonder.

"Oh thanks, by the way--just curious-- why did they give me an IV drip?" I ask, needing to know how many calories there were.

"Oh it was just fluids to get you hydrated. They said you need to drink more water and that your kidneys are being damaged. But its totally an easy fix because they caught it early!"

I frown, "Okay cool!" I feel so weird thinking that I'm not drinking enough water, it dosent seem correct. My mom kisses me on the forehead, sets the pill bottle in my hands and leaves my room, quietly shutting the door behind her.

I lean back onto my bed, exhausted from all of the new information. I pick up phone that I had set down in my lap. I look up how many calories were in that "IV".

One hundred and seventy is too fucking much. Go weigh yourself now, look at how fat that made you. You should have just controlled yourself, then you would have never consumed those empty calories. You fucking idiot! Your ruining your body!

I feel the thoughts creep in, I head straight for the bathroom.

I pull the old scale out from its place and lay it on the cold tile floor. I rip off my shirt and pants, knowing that they will make the results less accurate if I have them on. I step on the worth weigher.

105

It's the pills, they're making me fat, the IV can't make me gain that much, they must have slipped me some of those horrible fucking "fat pills".

No, no, no NO!

I look in the bathroom mirror, my stomach bulges, showing me how much shame to feel.

I will never take those God damned fat pills.