You Don't Hate Me

I remember

Kimmy didn't want to sleep with me that night, I know that. I took advantage of her like I always do. I feel guilty because I wasn't drunk. I only had a cup of beer while I was playing the game but I knew Kimmy didn't like it when I got drunk so I tried to behave for her and I took her trust and lied to her face. I wish I had just fought my impulses but seeing her with that guy just drove me crazy. Why were they alone together? Kimmy isn't that kind of girl, she wouldn't just sleep with someone at a stupid party. SHE WASN'T EVEN DRUNK FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. I've always known I was selfish but I didn't think I'd take it this far. Kimmy, I hope one day you could forgive me.

" Do you wanna stop and get breakfast? I'm kinda hungry." I wanted to fill the silence with anything. I know she's upset with me but I'm not ready to go home just yet.

" Yeah, we can stop at Starbucks or something. I could eat," she says, not even changing her tone or looking in my direction for that matter.

" So, what'd you talk to Mr. Capitan about? That's why you stayed behind right? To talk to him."

" Yea, we just had a great conversation and I wanted to talk to him more. I see why you like him, he's a nice guy and if you guys start dating I'd like to at least get along with him." still speaking in that deadpan tone.

" Well, he's cute but I never said I was interested in dating him. So, you know, if you want to do more than talk with him, you can." I looked at her, scanning the side of her face for any sign of joy or disappointment but she didn't do anything, she didn't even respond.

We pull into the parking lot of a fast food restaurant,

" Okay, what do you want?" she says pulling the keys out of the ignition.

" we're not going through the drive-thru?"

She was starting to scare me with all the changes to our usual routine.

" Well, I have to use the bathroom." By that I mean I have to create some distance between Kari and me. The fact that she would ever insinuate that I could be interested in someone that she's shown an interest in, I just can't let her see me cry again. I don't even like Subways but I needed to let these feelings out before she caught on to them.

" Well, Just get me a veggie sub with everything but onions."

" Yep. Yep." I couldn't say anything else but that, it was getting too hard to hold back the overwhelming emotions.

Yep? Yep? When has she ever said that? She has to be lying to me, she is angry. I knew it! What if she starts drifting away from me? I'd have no one.

" How about I come in with you-"

" Nope, it's okay I gotta take a huge shit so you're not gonna want to be around for that. Just stay here and wait for me." she hops out and speed walks inside.

" Hi, can I get 2 veggie subs please, and the key to your bathroom?" I huffed, still trying to fight the tears but it was just too much to take.

" uh yeah, what bread would you like it on?" the kid behind the counter

" Can I just get the damn key first?" I whimpered as a full waterfall of tears flowed from my face.

" Uh...O-okay." The confused kids walked away to get the bathroom key for me as I started to have a full meltdown.

" Here you go." consciously handing me a wooden spoon with a key connected to the end.

" hah, thank you." I blubbered. Taking my break down to the restroom while the kids sat there looking at the wall waiting for me to tell them which bread I wanted. I flushed trying to keep the idea that I had to use the bathroom for any reason other than to cry and came back to Kari standing in the store finishing our order.

" Hey, I thought you were gonna wait in the car."

" Yeah well I got bored just waiting for you so I came in and this kid said you just went to the bathroom without finishing the order."

"I'm 16, please stop calling me a kid."

" kid, if you don't finish my order I'm callin' head-office." she remarks. He nodded and walked towards the toppings,

" What else would you like?" his voice was more dejected.

" Hold on, kid." putting up her hand and continuing to question me, " what's going on?"

" Look it's nothing, can we just get our stuff from the kid and go?" the boy sighed feeling even more dejected from the conversation that he wasn't even invited to.

" Okay, but we have to talk about this whole thing. I don't want us to hit a rough patch over a party and expressly not over a boy 'cause who the fuck wants that."

G"You're right, I have no idea who would want to fight over a boy." clearly being sarcastic. Kari makes a face calling it out turning back to the boy behind the counter,

" Put everything but onion on it for both, please."

" Okay." sadly complying. We both walked to the register to pay and the kids said,

" that'll be 23.67"

" Who's paying?" Kari said with her hand in her pocket.

" I'll pay since I was gonna in the first place." Kari bit her lip in disappointment almost as if she were testing me and I failed.

" what? Did you want to pay?"

" No, it's not that. I'll just wait for you in the car." she turns and leaves the restaurant and that pain starts filling my chest again.

" damnit," I whisper.

" Seems like you guys are having a rough day." trying to offer some form of comfort that I didn't ask for,

" Just give me the damn sandwiches."

" their subs."

" Give me."

" Okay.."

" Thanks, kid."

I leave not knowing what to do about this situation. Kari sat in the car waiting for me but her face looked a little puffy,

" Did I make you upset back there?" I asked plopping down in the seat and handing her the bag with the sandwiches.

" No, I'm fine. I just think you're upset about something that happened at the party and you just don't want to tell me." she turns toward the window, trying not to let me see her face.

I didn't know how to respond. She was right, something did happen and it was the best night of my life but if she can't remember then it just gets complicated.

" Look. The party- nothing happened at the party, okay? I'm fine. I had a great time and like always you were the life of the party and I was your designated wallflower.

" Do you not want to be my wallflower?" She looks at me with sad eyes.

" Of course I do, that's not the issue, there is no issue. I just think we're both on edge from being hungover. If it's okay with you, I'd like to eat this sweet bread on rye and shit it out in a few hours at home."

She cracks a smile and looks down at my thighs, I tried to act like I didn't notice.

" So should I just take you home or do you want to come over?"

" You can take me home if you'd like."

" No, no. I asked what you wanted. Do you want to come over or do you want to go home?" I said sweetly but still maintaining an affirming voice.

" I guess I do need to go home, I forgot what I felt without telling anyone. I'm sure my dad will get worried or something." she shrugs.

" Okay, homeward it is." I smile, swallowing the pain to keep the peace.