Don't Say You Love Me

Chapter THIRTY SIX

   He grins and then sighs. "I don't even care if you're just saying that right now."

   "I'm not."

   "Okay. Good. I'm just going to go... clean up. Don't go anywhere."

   I laugh. "Where am I going to go?"

   It's dark in his bedroom but his footsteps tell me he's crossing the room and heading down the hall to the bathroom. I lay there naked for a minute before reaching for my shirt to pull back on, and slip my underwear back on afterwards. When Cohen returns - still buck naked - he slides back onto the bed beside me.

   "You got dressed."

   "Sort of. I don't sleep naked. It's weird to me," I tell him.

   "Can I?" he asks, then smirks.

    I shrug. "Your body. Your bedroom."

   He laughs. "God, you're so damn cute."

   "You are damn sexy. Especially when your on top of me," I reply.

   "Oh, you're in a mood tonight," he says and then grins over at me. "I needed an ego boost anyway." He yawns and pulls me into his arms. His bare chest is warm and hard and I adjust a bit so I'm comfortable. "This is the best. You, in my bed. I want this, always."

   "Yeah?" I ask, into the darkness.

   "Hell yeah." He yawns again, not saying anything else.

   I feel this urge to say that I'll be gone soon and that we should talk about that, but I don't. Not tonight. I haven't told him that I leave on the 20th. Three weeks. It's not enough time. Not now. We need another whole summer. A whole year. A whole lifetime. I want to know everything about him. I want to know his soul. I feel like we just met and also that I've known him forever. I don't want this to be a summer adventure that we both forget about in a few months. I have so much to tell him.

   "Oh, hey, I forgot to tell you," Cohen whispers, after a minute. He sounds so sleepy and cute. "My mom and my sister are coming down to visit for a few days, next weekend."

   I was not expecting this. "Oh. They are?"

   "Mmhm. My mom wants to meet you. And Margo, too. I told them about you..."

   "Okay. You probably miss them?" I say, and feel him breathing onto my neck.

   "Yes. Yeah," he mumbles, eyes closed. "They just want to see how I'm doing. On my own."

   "You're not on your own anymore," I tell him.

   He kisses my head and mumbles something I can't make out. A minute later, he's fast asleep, close to snoring and I'm left to think about all of this.

   I'm not good at falling asleep. Even with Cohen by my side, even after what we just did, I'm wide awake. My brain is on fire. I want Cohen to know that I feel things for him that I'm not sure I've ever felt. I want to shake him awake and tell him that I don't want this to end. But I look at his peaceful face and I just smile. I know this conversation has to happen. But it has to wait.

*

   My phone is ringing the next afternoon, and I'm back at my mom's, hanging out with the kids. Waking up with Cohen was so good and we had a shower together and explored each other bodies some more before we made some coffee and hung out for a bit. Rex came by and I decided to head back to my mom's and leave Rex and Cohen to hang out. Cohen followed me outside and kissed me hard against the front door before letting me go.

   Now, I see that it's Kiara calling. It's been days since I've talked to her. Maybe a week? It was last weekend that I had been waiting for her to call me and back and she didn't. When she did, a couple days later, I let it go to my voicemail. Now, I don't hesitate to answer.

    "Hey!"

    "Hi," her voice says quickly. She sounds a bit off. "You have a minute to talk?"

   "Yeah, of course. Is everything okay?" I ask her, glancing over at the kids, who are at the kitchen table eating lunch.

   "Yeah, I mean, it's fine. I just... a lot of stuff has happened and I feel like we haven't talked in a long time," Kiara goes on. "I'm heading back to Seattle next week."

  "Your internship is done already?" I ask, and realize it's already the first of August.

   "It will be in a week. I'm leaving a few days early. I wanted to have some time at home before, you know, we head back for school." She doesn't sound as excited and happy as she has been about all of this and my stomach tightens.

   "But you're okay?" I ask, hoping she'll confirm.

   She sighs into my ear. "Not really. I was stupid, Teeg. I got drunk at that party and I had sex with Casey, and then he totally ghosted me. I found out he has a girlfriend."

   My heart drops. Poor Kiara. "Oh, no, Ki. I'm so sorry."

   "Thanks. I mean, it was just dumb, thinking he was really into me. So it's been awkward at the office, even though I don't think anyone knows besides his friend, Carla. And... I just want to go home." I've never heard Kiara sound like this before. "I miss you so much, Teeg."

   "I miss you, too," I tell her, but the reality is I've been so busy enjoying this summer that I haven't had much time to miss her.

   "How are things there? With your mom and the kids?" she asks, but it feels like she's distant. And not just because she's really far away. "And what about that guy you were talking about?"

   I take in a deep breath. I know now is not the time to tell Kiara all about Cohen. For some reason, it just doesn't feel right. I would be like I am bragging about this great guy who's into me when she just confessed what happened to her.

   "My mom and the kids are good. It's really so much better than I thought it would be," I say, leaving it at that.

   I can feel her hesitation when she asks, "And the guy? You guys still friends?"

   Letting myself smile, I remember that the last time we talked, I told her that he saved me from that ass, Raff, but that Cohen and I were just friends. We're definitely not just friends, now.

   "We are," is my answer anyway.

   "Ah, it's so good to hear your voice, Teeg," Kiara goes on, and I think I can hear a TV on in the background. "I'm glad you answered."

   "Yeah, of course." And now I feel horrible for not answering the last time she called me.

   "See you in a couple weeks, then? What day are you back in Seattle?" she wants to know.

    Swallowing hard, I almost don't want to say it out loud. I can't believe that I don't want to even think about August 20th, the day I will have to get on a plane and fly back. Home. It feels impossible.

   "The twentieth," I say simply, hoping that I don't sound too upset about it.

   "Three weeks. Okay, well, I can't wait to see you."

   My best friend of many, many years is saying she misses me and can't wait until we are back together in Seattle. A few weeks ago I would have been feeling and saying the same things back to her. But now?

   "Yeah, me too," I tell her, because I know she needs to hear it.

   I just don't know if that's what I feel anymore, and that is the scariest thing.