Simple Complexity

Part 9

As she stepped out of the cab she took a deep breath, looking up at the apartment building, and she tried to calm her emotions. She tried. She s did. And she felt them teetering, ready to fall, collapse, because they were already engulfing her, they had for so long.

She took in a shaky breath and ran up the stairs to the front door, pressing the bell for Josh's apartment, he buzzed her in, and she walked to the elevator, he was on the fourth floor but paused just as she was going to press the button. Turning around and deciding to take the stairs, as much as she wanted this over, she needed more time to collect her thoughts.

Erin climbed the stairs slowly, her head down, her mind a flurry of words, sentences, explanations, excuses, he deserved the truth though. He was lovely, wonderful, he was amazing, he didn't deserve lies. He also didn't deserve that she always retreated to Holtz, to her arms. To the comfort of her. It was borderline. Was it cheating. It wasn't. But it felt like it. Whatever she said to him he was going to hurt, and it was. all. her. fault.

'Hey, um hey,' Erin said as the door opened and Josh leaned forward, Erin turning her cheek to him, a repeat of their first date and his lips brushed her cheek. She looked down, stepping back a little, hands stuffed in her coat pockets, fingers brushing the knife.

'Oh,' Josh said, looking down too, 'I guess asking you to come in is out of the question.'

Erin clenched her jaw, rubbing her lips together.

'Um..yeah, probably not,' she replied, tilting her head a little, unsure how to say what she'd rehearsed on the ride over, because none of it seemed to be suitable.

'How, um how...how is she?'

The brunette nodded, looking away from him, 'She's doing okay, thanks, she's gonna be okay.'

Josh nodded, 'Hey, um can we talk maybe about the other night, last night?'

Erin could feel her eyes well with tears, thinking about how she had walked out on him, how she had realised she was in love with Jillian, how she'd nearly lost her.

'Uhhhh,' Erin said, not sure where to start and she looked down, her feet shuffling with nerves.

'You're in love with her.'

Erin's eyes shot up to his, and her lips parted but no words escaped.

'That's what you're here to tell me. You want her. Not me.'

Erin opened her mouth again, but she couldn't say anything, no words tumbled from her lips, nothing.

Josh nodded at the lack of response, 'It's okay, it wasn't hard to figure out, I suppose I was just...hopeful.'

Erin swallowed, finally finding some words to string together, 'Figure out?'

Josh kicked his shoe absentmindedly against the door frame and nodded.

'Yeah well, the way she looks at you....' he let out a quick short breath, 'it's obvious she's in love with you.' he didn't look at her, 'And the way that you smile when you talk about her....when she looks at you. I think I just knew.'

'The way I smile?'

Josh nodded, looking up to Erin, 'I guess it's not something I really want to talk about or go into detail about, I mean she got the girl,' he chuckled as if trying to make the situation easier, 'and I didn't.'

Erin inhaled, unsure of what to say next, she liked him, she really liked him, at times she even possibly loved him, but he wasn't Jillian, he wasn't perfectly perfect Jillian Holtzmann.

'It's the reason you always wanted to go back to work, isn't it? Her. She was there waiting for you.'

Erin nodded, 'I'm sorry, Josh I am. I didn't realise, I honestly didn't,' Erin looked down, her hands still in her pockets, this time her hand was tightly around the Swiss Army knife and she could feel it digging into her palm. 'We're close, we,' she looked at him, 'we've always been close, I didn't...it wasn't....intentional.'

Josh didn't say anything, and Erin knew he was already analysing everything she was saying and dissecting all their time together. And she knew that was fair. And he had every right to.

'I loved spending time with you,' the woman said, feeling tears prick her eyes 'I loved going on dates. And I meant it when I said I loved kissing you because I did.'

Josh didn't acknowledge what she said, and he just looked at her blankly.

'You're here to say goodbye, right? So maybe we should just do that.'

Erin nodded, her mouth dry, her heart pounding, tears almost ready to spill over.

'Hey Erin,' Josh said, the woman meeting his eyes, her tears controlled now, 'I need to know though, were you..with her while we....?'

Erin shook her head hard, 'Oh gosh no...Josh no,' Erin looked away, swallowing, 'no,' she shook her head again, then she curled her lips into her mouth, 'I kissed her last night though I mean this...this morning I guess, um at the hospital.'

She looked up at the man who nodded softly, she could tell he was hurting, and he sighed, smiling tightly at her, nodding again as he turned back to look into his apartment, clearly uneasy and effected by hearing Erin's words.

'I want you to be happy, I do. You're wonderful, you're so smart you're so clever and I loved spending time with you.'

Erin was surprised at his words, and she paused in thought, knowing she too had actually enjoyed his company and spending time with him, and he needed to know that, 'I loved it too.'

'She makes you happy Erin, you make each other happy. It wasn't hard to miss. I saw it on more than one occasion.'

Erin didn't know what to say. Because she knew he was right.

'Might see you at Columbia?'

Erin nodded.

'Offer is still there if you want those kids to pick your brain?'

Erin smiled, 'Hey, yeah, that would be great.'

'Well, um I guess maybe see you soon.'

'Bye...Josh.'

'Goodbye..Erin.'

Erin nodded, and she smiled tightly, stepping away from the door and turning towards the stairs, and she paused as she heard the man's door click closed. She felt sad, upset, but for Josh, the man already knowing what she herself hadn't acknowledged and she did let herself feel guilty, but at the same time had been honest with him, after having been honest with herself.