Simple Complexity

Part 9

Erin sighed, speaking quietly, 'And I was seeing Josh at the same time.'

The other two didn't say anything and Erin inhaled, scrunching up the tissue, tossing it in the bin that sat near the front door.

'I'm uh, gonna go see him..'

Abby nodded as she sat back down on her couch, Patty walking back into the kitchen, opening the fridge to find something suitable for Holtz to snack on.

'There are the little cheese cubes,' Erin said, putting on her coat, 'she likes those. Mini carrots too.'

Patty nodded, moving things around on the shelves to find the items.

Abby looked from Patty to Erin.

'You gonna be, okay?'

Erin inhaled, 'Probably not. I mean breaking up with someone is never really something to feel okay about. Especially, uhh under these circumstances.'

Abby smiled tightly.

'He was a good guy,' Abby said, 'and you're sure about this right? About Holtz?'

Erin nodded, 'Without a doubt Abby. Absolutely. Who dates someone yet seeks out someone else? Me. I did that because I liked him but was in love with her.'

Erin sighed, 'Am I am awful person?'

Abby paused for a moment, glancing at Patty.

'No Erin, you're not an awful person. An awful person wouldn't be on their way to do the right thing.'

The physicist chewed her bottom lip, eventually nodding in agreement.

She buttoned her coat, pushing her fingers into her pockets, shaking her head with a little smile, pulling out the Swiss Army Knife. She turned it a couple of times in her fingers, then slid it back into the pocket.

'I had feelings for him, for sure. He told me he loved me,' Erin looked at Abby, then to Patty, the tall woman leaning against the island bench, listening.

'I just,' Erin sighed, 'I suppose I liked the idea of him. I just feel guilty.'

'You never kissed Holtz, you didn't sleep with her, you didn't cheat baby,' Patty said reassuringly.

Erin nodded, leaning against the table, crossing her arms.

'It's just as bad though isn't it. Basically, running to her after seeing him?'

'At least you've realised, and you're going to see him, tell him.' Patty said, pulling out a small bowl, the pack of carrots and little cheese cubes already out on the bench top.

Erin nodded, puffing her cheeks, and letting the air escape hard.

'Yeah.'

'Don't beat yourself up over it,' Abby said, 'it's not worth it. You've realised and you're doing the right thing.'

Erin nodded already thinking about what to say to him.

'Like Patty said, you didn't cheat on him.'

'Emotionally that's exactly what I was doing.'

'Erin,' Abby said sighing, 'you can scrutinise everything you did, try and make sense of it, but what's done is done. Just go and talk to him now, mmkay.'

Erin nodded, turning to the door, and letting herself out, sending Josh a text to say she was on the way as she walked down the corridor.

Erin hailed a cab, the ride wasn't a long one and she closed her eyes for most of the journey, attempting some sort of wording, explanation, apology. She wasn't sorry she was in love with Holtzmann, she wasn't going to apologise for that, she wasn't even going to bring her up. She just needed to end things; it wasn't fair on him. Maybe she would just tell him she wasn't ready; she couldn't maintain a relationship right now. Maybe in the future but she couldn't date him anymore. He was sweet and kind and caring, but she just couldn't, not right now. Then she changed her mind, knowing he would probably see her with Holtzmann. She took in a deep breath, blinking away tears she could feel settling in her eyes.