Simple Complexity

Part 7

Erin nodded and she sighed, 'They're my family. They're all amazing.'

'They think you're amazing too you know. I can tell by the way Holtzmann looks at you.'

'Oh..uh..'

Erin just nodded, not knowing how to finish her sentence, looking back up to him and she stopped, turning to him, sliding her arms around his neck.

She suddenly felt helpless. She felt like she was losing control. Control of something she had no control over. Something that controlled her. Her feelings, her wants and needs, they were now making everything a haze. A mess. She felt lost.

'You're pretty amazing to you know, like damn amazing.'

She was just saying it though, letting the words escape her lips. Part of her felt like she was about to cry, as though the sudden pent-up need and want that she was feeling, and not towards him, was about to cascade. Escape. And she tightened the reins on it.

Wondering what she was doing, what she was thinking. There was the most amazing man in front of her, one that cared for her, kissed her, loved her, make her feel incredible in bed.

What wasn't there to like? And that was just it, she told herself, she liked him. She just liked him. She like him a lot. But not enough.
Would she ever like him enough.
Enough to say I love you back.
Enough to spend every night with him.
Enough to not have the urge to return to the Firehouse.

To return to her. To hold her. To talk with her. Spend time with her. With Jillian.

Erin leaned into him, kissing him softly, his stubble grazing her chin, but she chose to ignore it, and Josh pulled her in, kissing her gently, the woman letting out a small moan as she kissed him back.

Josh pulled Erin into bed, wrapping his arms around her and they kissed softly. Erin smiling into him as she slid herself on top of him, his arms trailing her back as their kisses deepened. His hands skimmed down her side, squeezing her hips, his fingers digging into her lower back as she pushed against him.

'I love kissing you,' Erin murmured as she kissed his lips harder, almost trying to convince herself, and she fought the sob she could feel forming in her throat.

She felt her chest become heavy. As though she was falling, sinking, her heart a dead weight, and it was dragging her down. Pulling her into the ground and she felt helpless, unable to fight against the pull.

His hands roamed her bare skin, and he began to turn her in his arms, pushing her onto her back as he leaned down onto her, his mouth leaving hers and trailing her neck and Erin's eyes fluttered closed. He kissed her hard along her neck and she couldn't help but let out an almost breathy growl, but it was tinged with pain, heartache.

'I love it when you do that,' she murmured, feeling the sob at the surface, so close, it was teetering.

'Anytime Miss Gilbert,' he murmured, nipping at her throat.

The brunette's eyes shot open, and she began pulling herself up, pushing him away as she shook her head. Josh let her go, rolling onto his side, his face full of concern.

'Erin, Erin, did I hurt you?'

'No,' she mumbled, as she rolled herself away from him and he sat up in bed, 'it's just you can't say that.'

Erin slid her legs over the edge of the bed, smoothing back her hair with her hand, taking in a deep breath. She exhaled hard, squeezing her eyes tightly shut and then opening them, her hands gripping the edge of the mattress tightly.

'Erin?'

Josh was moving next to her, his hand reaching for her shoulder, but she turned to face him, pushing his hand away.

'You can't say that you just can't.'

'Erin? I don't..I don't...what did I say?'

The physicist looked away from him, her eyes welling with tears, and she let them spill over, closing them briefly. She took in a deep breath, trying to control her tears, her lips parted. She suddenly felt dizzy. And her heart began to ache, it was racing in her chest, and she swallowed, attempting to focus, suddenly lightheaded.

'Only Jill can say that to me okay only her.'

The sob she had tamed earlier escaped her lips and she clasped a hand to her mouth, but she couldn't stop the tears.

'Erin,' Josh said again, trying to reach for her but she moved out of his grip and stood up, walking over to her clothes that were on the floor, dressing quickly, reaching for her coat, and sliding it on. She tapped the outside of the pocket, feeling the small lump inside, just double checking.

'Jill? What? Erin? Please, talk to me, what did I do?'

He was dressing too, and he tried to reach out to her again and she shrugged his arm away, his face was pained and he felt helpless as he watched more tears fall from her eyes.

'It's just,' she paused, her back to him as she spoke, 'it's our thing,' she whispered, 'it's her thing, it's what she says.' Erin turned, looking at him and she let out a soft breath, whispering, 'I only want her to say that to me.'

Josh creased his brow, as the woman walked away, heading to the door, and he jogged softly to beat her to it.

'Can we talk about it? You're really upset. Please Erin?'

The woman shook her head, letting her tears fall uncontrollably and she reached to unlock the door.

'I have to go.'

'Erin, babe?'

She paused, facing the door, her back to him and she exhaled, trying to control her breathing.

'She, says it,' Erin barely whispered, squeezing her eyes shut, 'she's always said it to me, for as long as I can remember.' Erin turned around, facing him. 'I'm sorry, I have to go. I'm sorry.'

Sorry I can't love you, she wanted to say. I'm sorry I can't give you all of me. I'm sorry I run from you, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm not sorry I want her though. I'm not. I'm not sorry about the nights I spend with her. I'm not sorry about the way I hold her, about the way she holds me. I'm not sorry I met you Josh, I'm just sorry it took meeting you to know I want her. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Josh exhaled, helping to unlock the door and Erin walked out in a flurry, not even turning as she almost ran down the hall, her footsteps fast and heavy, and they echoed as she walked away from him.