Simple Complexity

Part 7

Josh chuckled, 'Work wives, are we?'

Erin didn't say anything but knew she probably should. And then suddenly she felt it. She fucking felt it.

She acknowledged it. Guilt. She felt guilty.

She could feel it in her bones, in her stomach.

The feeling in the pit of it that had emerged a few weeks ago was now all consuming and it coursed through her body like a fever, and she suddenly felt like all she wanted was Holtz.

Just the two of them.

She wanted Jillian.

She wanted the blonde leaning her cheek into her, maybe whispering something to make her laugh, Erin would close her eyes into a smile as she pushed her cheek against her in response, both tilting their heads together, lips finding the others' kissing softly.

How did Holtz kiss, what did her lips feel like. She'd seen her kiss many women before, the way her fingers would gingerly glide along their jaw, delicately sliding to the back of their neck, her eyes closed, lips touching, parting a little, then closing. Her other hand on their waist, the way she pulled them in, lips parting again, Erin sometimes catching a glimpse of her tongue, knowing it was sliding in, the kiss deepening. She'd seen it happen countless times, always finding her eyes lingering, then looking away, embarrassed, then looking back, almost curious, jealous maybe.

She'd watch as Holtz pulled away from whatever woman she was with on the night, turning briefly to look in their direction, sometimes meeting her eyes, sometimes one of the others, always her sign that she was leaving, going. Abandoning her. Sometimes Holtz was back at the Firehouse when Erin woke in the morning, sometimes she wasn't, sometimes she would arrive late, dressed in the clothes she'd left the bar in. Sometimes she had marks on her neck, sometimes her hair was a mess, half held up with pins and clips.

She looked at the woman and her hunger grew. Her need for her suddenly overwhelming, insatiable and she needed a sign. She needed something, she needed to know that the nights they'd spent together were more, more than just their bubble more than just the comfort the friendship.

Erin felt her face heat up and she stifled a gasp, looking to Holtz momentarily, the blonde wasn't looking at her and Erin so desperately wanted her to, for her to give her a sign.

Anything. Something.

Give her something. Anything.

The dancing. The movies. The glances. The touches. The secret cinema.

Holtzmann had given it all to her and as Erin sat in her chair, she felt her face burning.

But that was Holtz. That was just what they did.

Wasn't it?

It was just what they did. It wasn't anything. It didn't mean anything.

But Erin wanted it to mean something. She wanted to feel what it was like to have her fingers touch her jaw, her fingers touch her neck, her lips against her own, her, her. She wanted Her.

Josh said something to her, breaking her thoughts, bringing her feet back down to the ground and she just nodded in response, unsure of what he had even said to her. Maybe he had asked her a question. She didn't know. She didn't know anything at this point. Erin just forced herself to get through the evening. Because that's all she felt she could do. Should do. Could do.

They all ordered their meals and chatted, a waitress walking over with some of their orders.

'Oh well hello,' the waitress said, her greeting directed at Holtzmann, and Erin and Josh looked up at her, Holtz doing the same, her eyes darting a little. She didn't say anything for a moment, there was no response, just an awkward silence.