My Villain, My Balance

Chapter 38: He Loves Me! He Really Loves Me!

"Alina," his voice, as clear as glass, cut through my thoughts and brought me back to reality. "Why did you go to see my mother? You know I don't like it when you take it upon yourself to speak with her alone."

When I still wouldn't talk, his shoulders squared, and he expelled a heavy breath. Aleksander stared at me through narrowed slits as if I was a problem that didn't quite equate. Then, he motioned me over. I wasn't sure if it was my stubbornness or the hollow look in his eyes that caused me to hesitate. He grew annoyed and grumbled, "come here, Alina."

I took a deep breath and got up, the legs of my chair scraping across the floor in the heavy silence. As I rounded the table, he watched me closely. Our eyes never left each other's. I got to his side and stood in front of him, our knees practically touching. Aleksander's long arm rose to cup my cheek; then, his hands detoured to run a path down my arms. "I thought we had finally gained each other's trust. You don't have to keep it a secret. I won't be angry. I just want to know why you snuck off."

I sighed and looked away, pushing down the tears. Don't cry in front of others, I heard my adolescent self say. Save your emotional breakdowns for when you are alone. That rule was long thrown out the window in the past year. I had gone through too much to save my tears for when no one could see. However, I still had the same mentality for some unknown reason. Maybe it was a sign that the little Keramzin girl was still there, deep deep down within me, crying to be let free.

"I killed Tamar. At one point, before we were on opposite sides of the war, we were friends." I shook my head numbly. "We were friends, and I killed her."

Aleksander put his hands on my waist and pulled me carefully onto his lap. He cocked his head slightly and said, "but that isn't the only thing you are upset about."

I shook my head weakly. "I watched the knife stab her. The knife that was in my hands. I saw her eyes unfocus. I went to Baghra in hopes that I could reverse it, or maybe that her insults would reignite something in me, I don't know. But it didn't help. After killing Tamar, I should be grieving. I should feel sad, angry, heartbroken. Something!" I looked up at him. "But I don't. The only moments I have felt anything were when I hugged Misha and..."

"And with me?" he asked quietly.

I nodded again. How did he know? Unless... Aleksander ran his fingers through my hair, still knotted from hastily getting up this morning. It just occurred to me that I could still feel every emotion when I was around him. So... he must feel the same way too. I made him vulnerable.

I recalled Baghra's words from long ago. After using merȥost, he can no longer feel anything like he used to. I do not think love is in the cards, so do not mistake his affections for something more, even if he tells you it is. She was wrong. Baghra made me question Aleksander and the validity of his feelings for me. She made me think he couldn't love me.

I mumbled, "so when you said you loved me..."

"I meant it."

I looked down at my lap in confusion and said, "so why can we only feel things like we used to when we're around each other?"

"Merȥost dulls down the person you used to be and feeds on you; it changes you—what you feel, what you think, what you do. But if an emotion is strong enough, like love, it can overshadow merȥost."