Simple Complexity

Part 4

Holtzmann stood up, grabbing her keys, and pulling on her heavy corduroy trench, and she walked out of the room, jogging quickly down the stairs, locking the door behind her, walking quickly out into the night. She needed to forget her pain she needed to numb it, but also release it and she walked toward a bar she sometimes visited, one that they had all been to and she pushed open the door.

It was the early hours of the morning, the venue busy still and Holtz wandered up to the bar, it was crowded, and she ordered a shot, downing it fast, ordering another and doing the same. She leaned her back against the bar, elbows resting on its surface behind her. Her eyes scanned the room, people were milling around, some dancing, some standing in groups drinking, chatting. The woman turned back to the bar, ordering a beer, taking a long swing and she turned back, drink in one hand, her other touching her mop of curls.

'Hey,' a woman said, walking up to her, and the blonde knew it never took long for a woman to approach her, although she would usually smile tightly at them, turning away, looking to Erin. This time she didn't because Erin wasn't there. Because Erin was on a date. Erin was with him.

'Jillian Holtzmann right?'

Holtz nodded, taking another sip and she smiled softly, although she found she suddenly felt guilty about it. What was she doing, she thought to herself, taking another sip of her beer, taking in a breath. Forgetting Erin, that's what she was doing, trying to forget Erin, trying to accept that she didn't have a chance, Erin wouldn't love her like she loved her. Erin was falling in love with someone else.

The woman held out her hand to Holtz, she was a brunette, her hair was long and straight, longer than Erin's, but the blonde didn't mind, it would do, she would do, and Holtz shook her hand. She hated herself for what she was about to do, not only to the decent woman standing in front of her, but to herself. Using her in place of someone else. Holtzmann felt chaotic, her decision erratic and she decided to just disconnect herself from it all. That would make it easier. That had to make it easier.

'And you are?'

'Ally,' the woman said with a smile.

She was pretty Holtz thought, not beautiful, but pretty, her eyes were dark, and she was a little taller than Holtz, maybe Erin's height? Maybe? Erin's was only about an inch or two taller. Was Ally around the same height? Maybe.

'Can I get you a drink Ally?' Holtz asked, turning slightly to the bar, and the woman nodded, standing next to her.

Holtz turned around completely, signalling the bar tender, Ally moving in close to her.

'A drink for,' Holtzmann said, touching the woman's lower back softly, 'Ally? what would you like?'

The dark-haired woman spoke to the bartender, making her order and the two women turned to each other.

'So, Ghostbuster extraordinaire hey?'

Holtzmann laughed, putting down the bottle and sliding her hands to the woman's hips, she was more angular than Erin, and the blonde stroked her waist, thinking back to the position she'd held Erin in as they danced, and she felt herself fill with nerves, something she never experienced when flirting. Ally was dressed in jeans, a tee that didn't quite come down to her waist and Holtz brushed her thumbs against her exposed skin.

The bartender placed the drink on the counter, both woman thanking him, and Ally turned a little, picking up the beverage, Holtz's hands still on her waist. Stroking. Touching. Feeling.

'And what do you do Ally?'

The woman sipped her cocktail, staring at the woman holding her and she put the drink back down, sliding her arms around the woman's shoulders and Holtzmann pulled her in, their eyes locked.

Ally responded, but the blonde's thoughts were elsewhere, and she didn't acknowledge the answer. Was this the same eye level when she was holding Erin, or was Holtz looking up more at Ally, she was sure Erin was more eye level with her, or maybe she wasn't. Yes, Erin was more eye level with her, because when they danced their cheeks slid into the others perfectly.

'Jillian?'

'Holtz,' the woman corrected, and Ally repeated her name.

Erin had called her Jilly, and the blonde liked it, it was cute, sweet. No one else had ever called her that before, always just Jillian or Holtz, Erin usually the only one to refer to her by her first name. She liked the way she said it, it was just comfortable, natural, and she liked hearing it come from Erin's mouth. She had to start letting Erin go, Abby and Patty were right, and she knew herself that it was too late to do anything about it, even if she wanted to. Erin was taken. Erin wasn't hers to love any more.

'Wanna get some air,' Holtz said, suddenly desperate to fight her feelings.

Ally nodded, taking a long sip of her drink, nearly finishing it, the blonde abandoning her own at the bar, taking Ally by the hand and leading her outside.

They walked a couple of blocks, Holtz having no idea where she was going, almost as if she was trying to escape, run from being with someone that wasn't Erin. Running from the feelings that she couldn't shake, and that was because she didn't want to let the emotions and love for Erin go.  Ally was walking along with her, assuming the blonde had some sort of destination. The engineer wasn't going to bring her back to hers, nor to the Firehouse so she stopped in the street, pulling the woman to the side, reaching her hands to her jaw, pulling her face in kissing her. Ally kissed her back, hands on her neck, pulling her close.

'My place,' Ally whispered breaking the kiss, 'I'm not far.'

Holtz nodded, letting Ally lead the way, and they entered her small one-bedroom apartment, only a few blocks from the bar. Holtz's entire body was thudding, her heart racing and she felt like she wasn't focused, wasn't present. It wasn't just the alcohol but the fact that she didn't want to do what she was planning on doing. But she couldn't stop, part of her didn't want to stop and Ally stepped towards her. The brunette pushing her back against the door, their lips meeting again, and it was instantly deep and needy, Holtz pushing Ally forward, changing positions so she was now against the door.

Ally's fingers slid into the woman's hair, pulling her closer and then they slid to the back of the woman's neck, Holtz breathed in, her scent wasn't as sweet as Erin's there was no Harvest Moon. She tried to clear her mind, to stop comparing, to stop letting her mind wander, but there were no breathy whispers, no gentle touches, just a mess of lips and Holtz pushed her hips into the woman. She suddenly pulled back, her head down, panting, her hands moving either side of Ally, to the door behind. The brunette leaned forward, hands in her hair and on her neck, lips trailing the blonde's jaw. Give in, Holtz kept telling herself, just let go. Let. Go.

The blonde's lips returned to the woman's neck biting and kissing, and Ally moaned out, gasping softly as Holtz pulled away, her eyes opening, meeting brown ones. Holtzmann stared at her, knowing her face was red and she felt breathless, her chest almost heaving, and Ally pulled her hands to the woman's jaw, pushing their lips back together.

Ally's hands dragged downwards roaming Holtz's chest, untucking the shirt she had on, pushing it upwards. Holtz shook her head, dragging herself away, stepping back, 'I'm sorry Ally, I can't.'

'What?' Ally said, standing up from her lean against the door, her face creased, confused.

'I can't I'm sorry. I can't.'

'Holtz? Seriously?'

Holtzmann reached for the door handle behind her, opening it, the brunette standing back, watching as the blonde walked swiftly away, almost running down the stairwell.