Simple Complexity

Part 4

Holtz exhaled loudly, an attempt to stop the quivering she could feel in her chin, the tears she could feel sting her eyes, the stomach-churning hurt she could feel, the anger, the hurt, the jealousy, the hurt. It fucking hurt.

'Anyway...I'm not exactly an easy person to be with, to date. I like what we have. I don't want to end up her burden.'

'Holtz,' Patty began, looking to Abby, not knowing how to continue.

'And yeah, 'Holtz said quietly, 'I'm in love her, and I want to be happy for her, because...because she's happy, but I want to be the one making her happy...maybe..maybe that's why..' Holtz's voice broke a little and she didn't continue to speak, fighting back the tears she could feel forming, she didn't need to discuss feelings. Her stupid, silly feelings. The ones Erin would never return. She didn't need this raw conversation, she didn't want to feel vulnerable, embarrassed.

Abby shook her head, looking to Patty, hoping for her to contribute something more.

Patty sighed softly, 'Just don't go getting your heart broken okay.'

The blonde turned, dumping her food in the bin, knowing her heart was already broken, it was shattered, it was too late for that. She took in a long deep breath, trying to settle her emotions.

Holtz shrugged and took one last look at the two women.

'I don't want her to fall in love without me.'

She hurried out of the kitchen, taking the stairs two at a time and she rushed into the lab, her breath short and hard and she gulped in air.

Holtz retreated to her desk, hoping neither women would come after her and she began flipping through blueprint drafts she had worked on in the past, wanting to create something new, something to challenge herself with, something to keep her mind occupied. Keep her mind off Erin. She stared at the pages and pages of designs, feeling her eyes begin to spill with tears and she wiped them furiously away, sniffing hard, shuffling through the piles of papers. She didn't know what it was she was looking for, and she looked blindly at the designs, wanting nothing more than to dance with Erin again, look up at the stars with her and smell the Harvest Moon that lingered around her. She banged her fists against the desk, letting her sobs escape her lips loudly, unable to control her outburst. She pulled her hands up to her face, covering it, letting tears fall, letting the relief of her pain out, letting it take over.

She stood up, wiping her face with her hands, and she slunk to the floor, leaning her back against the large leg of the desk, her tears uncontrollable now and she just embraced them. All she could think about was having the brunette in her arms again, she wanted to buy her more daisies, dance with her in the moonlight, look up at the stars with her, watch movies snuggled beneath a blanket and everything else had Erin mentioned about her book.

She wanted to kiss her in the pouring rain, she wanted to kiss her endlessly. Any silly romance she could think of she wanted to do that with Erin, give that to Erin. She put her head in her hands, each breath a struggle, each sob feeling like a punch in the chest.

It was late, and Holtz was at her desk, not doing anything, just sitting. Sitting and staring.

Abby and Patty had paused at the lab earlier in the evening, on their way to bed, telling her not to stay up to late. Holtz had just shrugged, not looking at either of them. She was still upset from the earlier conversation, her eyes sore from the tears, her feelings churning, accepting the fact that Erin was dating. Erin was doing things with him that she wanted to be doing with her. She also began to feel angry, angry at herself, angry for not doing anything about it in the first place, knowing that it was always inevitable Erin would meet someone, because she was perfect, she was perfectly perfect Erin Gilbert.