Drowning Emotions (Isla Series #5)

28

"I loved your mom since we were in college. Nauna ako kaysa sa asawa niya. But we drifted apart. She fell out of love with me... but I remained in love with her. I made a mistake in luring her knowing she already has a family."

Nagmulat ako ng mata. To hear that shocked me. I never heard their story. I didn't know anything about my own parents.

"My love for her is strong, Lali. Not the kind of strong that should be stay. It's strong in such a way that it's supposed to leave before you completely drown."

Mapait akong tumawa. Why was people always mentioning 'drown.' Tama nga siguro. Nakakalunod ang emosyon. Nakakalito. Nakakabobo.

"What happened with Marco?"

"I don't exactly understand..." My laugh faded. "I don't know how to gain his trust again and make him realize that I have been true with my feelings before. Or maybe I thought I did my best in showing because I was giving. I mean... I never knew exactly how and what love should feel like... because I didn't grow up experiencing being loved by anyone, including you..."

I grew up without a support system. It was difficult for me to understand feelings and what they should feel like. What if... what I was showing was only real to me because it was new to me, but it was far from it in reality?

"Ganito ba, Dad, kapag kinulang sa pagmamahal? Ang papansin at palaging may palusot, may rason sa lahat pero hindi naman concrete. Gawa-gawa lang. Ano iyon? Gusto ko ba magpahabol para makaranas ng saya? To sometimes feel... I'm important and they want me so bad to stay?" napatanong ako.

"I'm sorry, Lali..." Dad sounded so regretful. "I have never been there to shower you with affection-"

"It's all in the past, Dad! Bumawi ka naman kay Kie!" I laughed to ease the tension. I quickly wiped my tears that fell.

"It's not okay, amore." He caressed my cheek, shaking his head. "It affected you a lot, and you're not realizing that you are also slowly doubting the way you love..."

I bit my lip. "What if it's true that my way of showing my love was not... right?"

"There's no right way to love," he comforted. "The one on the receiving end of it, if they cannot feel your sincerity, then that's on them. Just because they doubted your love doesn't mean you didn't give your all and your love is unreal... They simply failed to appreciate the love you offered."

Umiling ako at napabuntong-hininga.

I'm at loss for where to begin saving myself. Maybe I should start by loving myself before giving another piece of my heart. My love is mine to give... And I shouldn't doubt how I show it.

Marco and I were civil. We only talk about Aqeila. Pagdating lang yata sa anak namin kami nag-uusap nang seryoso.

"Tomorrow, lunch, hatid," putol-putol na sabi ko pagkahatid kay Kie sa condo niya.

Aqeila has been switching houses. Kapag walang duty ang dad niya, naroon siya. Wala naman sinasabi si Kie. It seems like she enjoys different environment. Minsan, nagpupumulit na umuwi sa akin. Nasanay kasi na ako ang kasama matulog. But she needs to get use to being with her dad because I will not always be around her.

Madami akong pinagkaabalahan sa sumunod na araw. Ang pag-aayos sa kaso ni Ares. Sumaglit din ako sa bridal shower ni Esme dahil nasaktuhan na may trial ako kinahapunan. Nabisita rin ang lumang apartment. At syempre, ano ba pa? Work.

Napabuntong-hininga ako habang binabasa ang mga papel sa kamay ko. It was another felony case. Murder.

"Na naman," bulong ko sa sarili, disappointed na umiiling. I have been handling lots of murder case these past weeks. I do not understand why people manage to do this sin and not regret it.