I'm Sort of Okay with This

Eight: Ian

I reminded myself of what she did, but all I could think about were the good memories, the homecoming dance, Haley Riddle's pool party, the first time we kissed, under the bleachers in the gym.

Urges rushed through me, ones I'd never had before. Half of me wanted revenge, to pee in Cheyenne's locker, or all over Rafe's baseball gear. The other half wanted to get on my knees, cry, apologize, beg her to take me back. Guilt panged my stomach over saying, "fuck you" to her. Even after what she did, I regretted saying it.

But what the hell did I have to apologize for? If anything, she should have apologized to me.

God, I was so stupid. I'd acted like some kind of prince, galloping to save her on a white horse.
I pressed my face into my pillow and sighed, allowing my bones to go limp.

Nothing mattered.

***

In the morning, I still felt like a forgotten pair of sneakers hidden in the back of someone's closet.

I had to rip myself from the grip of my bedsheets. I threw on my gray sweatpants and sweatshirt and jogged downstairs.

Sunlight streamed through the kitchen window. Colin bent over the table. He spooned rainbow-colored cereal into his mouth. My mother was there too. She flipped through April's issue of Better Homes and Gardens and drank tea with lemon.

My father had gone already. I pictured him waltzing around his boundless car lots, sucking up to customers in hopes they would buy a car. The thought made me wince.

She closed her magazine. "Morning, sweetie."

"Morning," I muttered.

"Morning," Colin said.

"Are you hungry? Do you need something to eat?"

I slumped in a chair between Colin and my mother and rubbed my eyes with the heels of my hands. "I'm okay." 

"Are you sure, hon? Are you sick? You didn't eat anything yesterday, either." She laid the back of her hand over my forehead, as she had when I was a kid and she suspected I had a fever.

I shook my head and pulled away from her touch. "No. I'm okay. I'll just have some milk."

"I can get it for you," she said.

I stood. "No, no," I said. "I'll get it."

My mother frowned but obliged.

"When is prom, Ian?" she asked.

My stomach sank. She still thought I was dating Cheyenne. Who else would I take? I couldn't go to prom without a date. Connor and the other guys would never let me hear the end of it. Cheyenne would most likely go with Rafe, which I would have to suffer through. "In May, I think."

"Have you asked Cheyenne yet?" she asked.

"No," I said. I tried to sound nonchalant when I said it, like there was no problem at all. I poured some milk in a coffee mug and chugged it down in three gulps.

"You should get on that, sweetie. Have you thought about how you're gonna ask her?"

I sighed under my breath. "Not really."

"Your dad was talking about getting you guys a limo for prom night," she said. "He knows a man who owns a limousine company."

"He doesn't have to do that," I said, before I rinsed off my cup in the sink and tucked it neatly in the dishwasher.

"I think it would be fun," my mom said. "You'll remember it for the rest of your lives."

"I wanna ride in a limo," Colin remarked. He sloshed his spoon around in the milk.

"It's a five minute drive to school," I said. "What's the point? Anyway, I gotta go, Mom. Bye, Colin."

I kissed her on the cheek and rushed out the door before either of them could reply.

During lunch at school, I had a random spurt of motivation to finish my essay. My English grade had stalled. It wasn't any worse, but it wasn't any better. Before the bell rang, I waited near the girls' bathroom. I wanted to ask Abby to proofread it, since I'd never been the greatest speller. I always saw her around there after lunch.

I couldn't see her at first, but soon enough, she strolled out of the bathroom, headphones in and her hands in her pockets, in ripped jeans which were rolled up at the ankles, and a black t-shirt that said Bauhaus in big white letters. Some obscure band I'd never heard of.

I glanced over my shoulder before approaching Abby, but before I could look back, Cheyenne and Rafe strutted down the halls. Some people stared.
I didn't want them to see me, so I rushed to Abby. I hoped maybe Cheyenne would notice I was talking to her and think I was interested in someone else. Not that Abby was popular or gorgeous, but at least I was doing something other than wallowing in misery.

"Hey," I said.

She took out her headphones. "Hi."

"Do you think maybe we could meet in the library? I'm finished, but I'd really like it if you could proofread it before I turn it in. You know, for spelling mistakes and stuff."

"Yeah. Sure."

I peaked at Cheyenne one more time, but she was almost out of my line of vision. "Okay. Cool."

We stood for a few seconds as clumps of people passed. Her feet shifted and she tucked a chestnut strand of hair behind her ear. "I'll see you then, I guess."

My cheeks burned. "Yeah. See you."

I shifted off and assimilated into the crowd. I looked back at her, but she'd disappeared.