Don't Say You Love Me

Chapter THIRTY THREE

   I did not. "What?"

   Francis' eyes furrow together. "Before your dad went to the courts and was rewarded full custody... your mom was trying to convince him to let you move down here. You didn't know that?"

   I freeze and try to think how I should go about this. My dad never told me that my mom was fighting for me. I just assumed all those years that she left and her new life in California without me was better. Now I'm learning that she wanted me.

   "Uh, no. My dad said they agreed that me staying in Seattle with with him was best. Because school, my friends..." I say, not looking at him.

   "Well, yes. I am sure being uprooted completely would have been hard on you. But your mom was really sad when she found out you'd only be coming here in the summer. She begged your dad to let you come for two weeks, or three, but they ended up decided on one."

   I can tell Francis doesn't think any of this is a big deal, now. That happened a long time ago. But my dad kept this all from me, and suddenly my heart is beating too fast and I feel like crying.

   "I'm glad I'm here now, you know? For the whole summer," I say instead, so we can stop talking about that.

   He smiles and nods. "Me too. And I'm sorry about earlier, you know, when I... I just assumed you were alone. I called up and you didn't answer, so-"

   "Oh, it's okay."

   "I'm glad you're enjoying your time here. You'll have these memories for the rest of your life. Go to the parties, dance, have fun, kiss boys," he says, and then laughs. "Do it all. When you're older you'll be glad you did."

   I force a smile but my brain is going a mile a minute. My dad didn't want me to go live with my mom. My mom wanted me and he let me believe she didn't.

*   

Two hours later, everyone has eaten and I'm playing a game of Snakes and Ladders with the kids when my mom gets home. She drops her bag by the door and slips out of her shoes and smiles when she sees us, sitting on the living room floor. She looks tired, I notice as I smile back at her.

   "I made spaghetti, if you're hungry. There's a ton more. We've all eaten," I tell her, waiting for Josie to roll the dice.

   "I am very hungry," she says, unbuttoning her blazer. "That sounds amazing."

   Oscar runs over to hug her and then comes back over for his turn and Josie waves and blows a kiss. Mom catches it and makes Josie laugh and then moves on through to the kitchen.

   Our game is done about ten minutes later and I had already told the kids I'd take them outside to play when we finished. Josie is already running to get her shoes and Oscar smiles and thanks me for playing the game with them. He won, too, so he's extra excited. In the kitchen, mom is plating herself some pasta and I notice she's got a glass of wine poured, too. Her hair is pulled back in a tight pony tail and as she sits, she sighs.

   "Long day?" I ask, stepping into the room.

   "C'mon Teeeegan!" Josie yells, her shoes on but I'm sure they are on the wrong feet.

   "Go out to the deck. I'll be there in a minute," I say, but then add, "Stay on the deck. Oscar, go on with her."

   He nods and slips on his sandals before opening the door. Once it's closed and the kids are outside - I can still see them through the glass door - I turn back to my mom.

   "Very long. I worked the whole day at the hut and then had two meetings. Thanks for this," she says and looks at the plate of food.

   "Of course," I tell her. "Francis got the kids from daycare."

   "Oh, I forgot he was off today. Sorry, my brain is foggy today. Is he here?"

   "Somewhere." I look out the door again and see they are piling up buckets and shovels. "So... I just wanted to... talk about..."

   "Cohen?" she asks, knowing what I'm going to say.

   "Yeah. We're... I don't know... dating, I guess. We're hanging out, and we like each other..." This is so awkward. "I just wanted to you-"

   "I came to that conclusion on my own, Teeg. Since you stayed at his house last night." She seems mostly okay with this.

  "Yeah. Um, I just... I didn't plan this, you know? I didn't think anything like this would happen this summer," I admit.

   I hear the kids laughing and look over. They are still waiting for me. "Also, I'm really sorry that I was sort of horrible to you over the years."

   My mom looks confused. "Why would you say that?"

   "It was just... I really thought you didn't want me. So when I was forced to come here each summer, I never made an effort to enjoy it or spend quality time with you. I regret that, now."

   "Oh, Teegan, honey. No. I'm glad for how far we've come this summer, too. The past is the past." She sips her wine and looks up at me. "Also, I always wanted you. I tried to fight for you. It just didn't work out that way."

   I nod and leave it at that. "I promised the kids we'd go play in the sand for a bit."

   "Are you seeing Cohen tonight?" she asks, and then takes a big bite of her dinner.

   I hang my head, and then shake it slightly. "I'm staying in tonight."

   She doesn't need to know that Cohen left this afternoon, angry. Or was I angry? I don't even know. We were both confused, maybe a bit shocked. We reacted before thinking. My plan is to give him space today and go and see him at the hut tomorrow.

   All I can do is hope my plan is the right one.