Boys Don't Cry - Steddie

Chapter 9

"Um..." Steve tried to sort through his jumbled thoughts and remember what he was planning on saying before Eddie had opened the door and looked up at him expectantly. Apparently that was all it took to make his heart start racing now. "I was wondering if we could talk?"

Eddie stepped aside and gestured in towards the room exaggeratedly, "Have at thee, my liege."

Steve walked in and sat on the edge of the bed, where Eddie would sit while Steve rebandaged him. He nervously wiped the palms of his hands on his knees and took a deep breath.

Eddie stood by the door awkwardly for a moment before he walked over to the bed and sat next to Steve, "So.."

"I don't want you to leave," he found himself blurting out.

Eddie seemed a bit taken aback by the bluntness of the statement. He looked at Steve for a moment before responding, "I appreciate everything you've done for me. More than you could know, really, but I can't stay here. I need to move on, I need to get back to my own life." The look on Steve's face broke his heart a little.

"It just seems like you're leaving for a reason."

"Look, Steve, it's nothing personal. I promise. But it's not something that you can talk about with just anyone, and if you knew about it, I'm sure you wouldn't want me here anyways."

"I'm sorry about last night. I'm sorry I didn't remember, and I'm sorry I said what I did." Eddie gave him a look of confusion before he pressed on, "Robin told me... about what I said to you last night. About liking you."

"You don't need to apologize for that-"

"No, I do. It's not that I don't want you to leave because I think you still need help, I'm just being selfish. I don't want you to leave because then I'll be alone again and I won't have you here."

"Steve, I don't know what you're trying to say," Eddie was searching his face now, speaking gently, trying to tiptoe around the situation.

He couldn't look at him. He couldn't see his reaction, he didn't want to. It was terrifying. The idea of laying everything he had at Eddie's feet and just hoping and praying by some miracle that things work out. But he was willing to do it. He was pretty sure he would do anything for Eddie, actually. He looked down at his hands resting in his lap and fidgeted with them nervously.

"The first day you stayed over and I helped you with your bandages I was kind of fucked up the rest of the night because you smelled like my soap from the shower. And it was the dumbest thing ever, and I didn't understand it at all. And then it kept happening, and it was all I could think of, and I liked it and I had no idea why but I did."

He thought through what to say next while Eddie watched quietly from beside to him.

"I didn't want to think about it because it didn't make sense to me, and I was so confused..." His vision was starting to blur with tears. He never thought it would be this difficult to love someone. "I'm still a little confused to be honest. Eddie, I slept on the shitty couch for you. And I made up excuses for myself as to why I was there because I couldn't understand why I felt this constant need to stay close to you."

Eddie wanted to reach out and touch him. His shoulder, his arm, his hand, anything. It hurt to watch to be honest. He was going to let Steve finish, though, this wasn't something you could rush. He knew that. So he waited patiently to hear what Steve had to say.

"I thought maybe I just liked having another friend, because other than Robin and the kids, I haven't had many of those since school. And then..." there was so much tension in his voice, in his body. He felt like a rubber band about to snap at the slightest thing. "Then I had this dream... and I have been having dreams about you dying, I wasn't lying about that. They terrify me. I think this one was scarier though. I didn't even KNOW, Eddie. And I feel so shitty just talking about it and I don't know if I feel guilty because it was about you or if I feel guilty because it was about a guy, and..." the sentence trailed off.