Drowning Emotions (Isla Series #5)

35

Later, we have a dinner with his friends. The day after tomorrow was the final hearing for Valmorida's case. After that was Marquenzo's birthday. I wasn't sure what to make of the events that were unfolding, but an acidic feeling was being poured on my chest these days. It bothered me.

Kinuha ko ang tasa ng kape sa lamesa at sumimsim para magpalipas nang kaunting segundo, nag-iisip nang mabuti. I had no initial script. But I knew that I was here to say the thoughts I couldn't tell to his face. This may be the only chance I get to tell him.

"My job has always been my dream. You know how passionate I am about it. You were the first person to believe in me. When I only had myself to lean on... You helped me swim through the trials when no one else would. You walked into my life and quickly became my only source of support. In every way."

Napahawak ako sa magkabilang pisngi ko. I stretched them upwards a little, trying to prevent myself from crying. I suddenly felt emotional.

"The consequences? I've always been prepared to face it. It's never-ending. When one case is over... It's not really over. They will come after me unless I give up. They will hunt me until they completely get rid of me, and we expected that. Because with my job... Death is inescapable."

I let out some air from my mouth, weighing how my heart felt. Heavy. Uncomfortable. Fearful.

"I survived some ambushes, but one day, I won't. My time will come to an end. Will the next day be my end? I don't know." Pagod akong umiling. "I used to not fear death, but now that I have you and Kie, I do... But I'm more afraid of giving up. I'm almost there, Marco. I can't give up now. You've taught me to be brave."

Tumingin ako saglit sa ceiling, pinapakiramdaman kung ano pa ang nais isigaw ng puso't isipan ko. Bakit kasi hindi ko 'to kayang ilahad kapag nasa harapan ko siya? Maybe it's easier this way.

"I want all of my tomorrows to be with you. To wake up beside you each day. Watch the sunrise with a cup of coffee..." Nakangiting umiling ako. "But I know we can't have that unless I give up my job."

Patigil-tigil ako dahil hindi ko mabagsak sa isang konkretong eksplenasyon. It was jumbled up, nag-uunahan na gustong lumabas sa bibig.

"Can I quit? Yes. Do I want to? No..." Hindi ako makasalita nang maayos. "I love you... But I'm sorry if I cannot give up my job and have a peaceful life with you like what you yearn for. For us. Pangarap ko ito at sana maintindihan mo na ayaw kong pumili sa pagitan ninyong dalawa."

If only I can choose to be free from danger. To spend my life with him with a sense of tranquility. But I have responsibilities. And I wasn't willing to give it up. I wanted to do both. To fight for both at the same time, despite the fear.

I felt that it was possible. I may be right. Or maybe... My hope were unrealistically high.

"Don't cry for me. That's my first reminder. I can't bear seeing you cry again because of me, my love." I laughed lightly. "Second reminder, move forward. You can stop where you are... Take a break. Breathe. You can look back but don't go back, okay? Let go of the past, Marquenzo, and keep moving forward."

For me, the exact term has always been 'move forward,' not 'move on,' because we never truly move on from certain circumstances. Sometimes we see ourselves looking back at our most painful moments. Napapaisip pa rin tayo na what went wrong pero hanggang doon lang. Hindi dapat binabalikan at pinapayagan ang sariling malunod muli sa nakaraan.

We reminisce, but not with a heavy heart. Instead, we see a version of our former selves. The one who tripped and gave up, but stood back on their own feet. Stronger. Braver. Happier. Then we feel proud of how far we've come.