I'm Sort of Okay with This

Five: Abby

I nodded. "Yeah, vaguely."

"That's how I feel. I mean, it's like, nothing's been going my way. With my grades and everything, I mean, and we lost our baseball game yesterday. I feel like it's all my fault."

I didn't know what to say, but I stared at him after I said it. His cheeks grew a fresh crimson, as if he realized what he said and who he had said it to. He chewed his lip and dodged my eyes, covering his face with his hands and releasing a monumental sigh.

"It's just like I'm crashing out."

"I think I know what you mean," I said, even though I didn't really know what it meant to crash because I'd never started moving. I was like one of those ancient, beaten down cars you see sometimes that are constantly parked in the same place.

"It's like I'm always speeding through everything, and I just slammed into a tree or something because I was going too fast."

A silence fell between us, the type of silence you could hear from a thousand miles away, that you could feel and the back of your throat and in between your toes.

"I don't even know why I'm telling you this," he said. "I barely — it probably sounds stupid."

"It doesn't," I said. "It doesn't sound stupid at all."

"Really?" he said.

"Yeah, really. I know what you're talking about."

He smiled to himself again, this time with a more naturalistic quality, and suggested that we returned to reading. I agreed, quietly contemplating all he had just told me.

***
I bit into my turkey sandwich, my legs crossed inside the bathroom stall. The crumbs trickled down to the floor, between the tiles. I didn't think about how filthy the bathroom must've been while I ate. I tried not to, at least.

Ian lingered on my mind. Most boys I knew hid behind a layer of nonchalance or a facade of stoicism that they believed made them stronger or more desirable. Ian did, too, most of the time, but seeing the curtain he hid behind dropped to the ground rattled me to my core.

The rhythm of somebody entering the bathroom echoed off the walls. I yanked up my feet to disguise my presence. The footsteps grew closer and closer to the stall door. I held my breath.

The door swung open to reveal Haley Riddle posed in the stall door frame, clad in a blue skirt and matching blouse.

"What the fuck," I muttered. "I locked that."

"Oh," she said. "Sorry! The lock must be broken or something."

I hoped she would leave, but instead she stood there and squinted. I felt the pricking of her eyes boring into me.

"Do you eat in here every day?" she asked.

I sighed. I really wished she would leave me the fuck alone.

"Pretty much," I said.

"Oh," she said. "Do you like it?"

"It's a fucking bathroom," I said. "I don't like it exactly, but I like it better than the cafeteria."

"I hate the cafeteria," she said. "But my stupid friends always sit there, so I have to join them."

Stupid friends? It never dawned on me that she would have any feeling toward them other than pure idolization. It seemed like she worshipped them. She followed them around everywhere. They did everything as a group, like some kind of cult.

"Do you think I could sit here?" she asked. "I just need a break from my friends."

"Okay," I said, even though I didn't really want her to.

"Cool!" she said, sitting cross-legged on the floor. "I like your jacket. It's so vintage."

"Thanks," I said. I noted the stark contrast between my frayed old jacket and her bright, feminine clothes.

Haley took a sandwich out of her backpack, peeled back the wrapping paper, and began to munch on it.

Upon studying her face, I realized that she wasn't the supermodel I perceived her to be, but a regular girl with a slim jaw, a miniscule nose, clear blue eyes, and scarlet cheeks. She wasn't ugly, but she wasn't flawless, either. She was just a normal girl, normal as I was.

"I like the vibes in here," she said. "It's so like, peaceful."

"What vibes," I said. "It's dirty and it smells like shit."

She chuckled. "I don't know. It's quiet. There's no sweaty guys throwing food at each other."

"Mhm," I said. "That's a good point."

"I mean, don't get me wrong, I love my friends," she said. "Well, I love Sasha."

She took another bite of her sandwich, her hand hovering over her mouth as she chewed.

"You don't like Cheyenne?" I asked.

She frowned. "Not really," she said, "I mean, I don't really know. She's just kind of a hypocrite sometimes. She used to claim she was waiting until marriage to have sex, and she used to call me a slut all the time, but then she went and cheated on her boyfriend at a party," she said.

"Ian?"

"Yeah," she said. "I mean, I feel kind of bad for him. Cheyenne doesn't love him anymore, but she won't break up with him because her parents really like him. They think they're gonna get married and everything."

"That's fucking stupid," I said.

She nodded. "Sasha and I keep telling her to break up with him and just date Rafe, because she really does like Rafe, but she won't do it. She says she doesn't want to hurt Ian's feelings or whatever, but I think cheating is worse than just breaking things off."

So it was true. It was all true.

"Yeah, yeah," I replied. "Do you know Ian well?"

"What do you mean?" she said. "Like, have I slept with him?" 

"No!" I gasped, "God, no. Are you familiar with him?"

She cackled. "Oh," she said. "I guess so. Cheyenne used to bring him with her everywhere she went. They were like, Jack and Rose or something."

"Who?" I asked.

"Jack and Rose. You know? From Titanic?"

I knew of the movie she was referring to, simply because it was popular, but I had no knowledge of the plot or anything to do with the characters. Romance movies bored the shit out of me. They were so vapid. I preferred movies with ambiguous endings, ones that forced you to think about them long after the credits rolled.

"No. I don't know," I said.

She dropped her jaw, staring at me like I'd just assaulted a puppy.

"You've never seen Titanic?"

"No."

"You have to see it, it's so good."

"I don't like romance movies," she said.

"Have you seen a romance movie?"

"No," I said. "I just don't think I would like them. They seem kind of dumb."

She rolled her eyes. "How do you know you don't like them if you've never seen one?"