Monster or Angel - Alec Lightwood

24 - Emotional Damage

My throat hurts from holding back the sob that is desperate to leave. Though I find it within me to nod and I stand. Every limb shakes, but I manage to get my legs to move. If I stay here for a second longer, I will breakdown in front of Aldertree. And that is something I refuse to do. I stumble out of Aldertree's office and I rush to my room as fast as I can.

I turn each corner and my vision becomes blurrier with each step I take as tears take over. I don't acknowledge anyone I pass, but I notice when their gaze moves to me. I think if my world wasn't imploding in on itself right now I would care about how I look to them. However, their opinions on me mean nothing.

As soon as I reach my room, I throw myself in, slamming the door behind me. I take a breath, and then another, and another. Each one growing shorter and erratic. I have never felt so hopeless in my entire life. I'm stuck doing nothing whilst everyone I love is suffering.

A sob wracks through my body and I'm falling to the ground. My knees hit the ground roughly, yet I feel no pain from the impact. All I am is this deep agony in my chest. And there is nothing I can do about it.

And so, I cry. And cry, and cry. A never ending stream of tears falling onto the wooden floor below me.

------

It took two hours and twenty three minutes for me to stop crying. I know that because all I have to do is stare at the stupid alarm clock on my bedside table. I then fell asleep for an hour and six minutes. And I have spent every minute since I awoke from the nightmare of Valentine staring at my bedroom door. All eight hours and forty seven minutes.

Twelve hours and twenty six minutes of nothing. No word of Alec, no message of Jace. No sign that Izzy has fixed everything like she promised.

This is the worst kind of torture.

My hands are shaking uncontrollably against my lips as I lean against the wall, my eyes still locked on the door. The need for Yinfen hasn't struck me like this since before I got clean, and I hate that I'm back here. I'm back to feeling so useless without it. After everything I've fought through, everything craving I battled through to remove it's control on me means nothing. It was all for nothing.

The bedroom door opens and I'm on my feet instantly. My heart beats harder and hope begins to rise, and surprisingly it doesn't fade when I see Aldertree. What reasoning does he have to come here if not to say Alec is awake?

Aldertree meets my gaze, his expression so stoic that I think I might vomit from anticipation. I just need him to tell me that Alec is okay, that he is alive. I don't care if he forces me away from him, I just need to know.

Though as soon as Aldertree speaks a sudden heaviness drops onto my shoulders. My sweaty palms press against the wall to keep me on my feet.

"There's been a demon sighting which I need you to deal with," he says.

"Alec?" I ask, my voice wavering. Aldertree purses his lips and after a moment he shakes his head.

"He hasn't woken," he answers. My eyes close and I sink into the wall. The world seems to spin around me and I struggle to breathe. This is too much. I just need Alec.

Aldertree steps into my room and I shake my head, willing everything to stop for just a second. I inhale deeply and look up to meet his eye. I swallow the lump in my throat and take another breath to calm my racing heart.

"With most of our Shadowhunters searching for Jace, I don't want to waste one on this mission," he tells me.

"I wouldn't want you to waste a Shadowhunter," I mumble sarcastically. Aldertree crosses his arms and frowns at me.