at long last, peace (medtech series #1)

thirty six

Hindi naman kami natagalan papunta sa univ since malapit lang naman talaga mula sa apartment ko. Si mama naman nagpunta ng dorm para kunin 'yung mga gamit na naiwan ko do'n at tumulong na rin si papa. Sabi ko nga tutulong ako at hintayin lang muna nila ako since saglit lang naman 'yun, pero nagpumilit pa rin silang dalawa kaya hinayaan ko na.

"Telly." Napalingon ako sa likod nang marinig kong may tumawag sa pangalan ko dahilan para makita ko si Rene. "You're filing your LOA?"

I sighed and nodded.

"I'm really, really sorry for what my mom did," she uttered, her eyes welling with tears. Lumapit siya at hinawakan 'yung kamay ko at tipid na ngumiti. "Telly, I never blamed you for what happened to Reen. And I will never blame a kid who grew up to be the nicest person I've ever met. I knew what happened was an incident, and if there ever was to blame, it'd be the people who took you and Reen, never you. It was never you. So I hope you won't blame yourself for what happened to my sister. Because it was never your fault."

Unti-unting tumulo ang luha mula sa mga mata ko, "I... I was the one who asked her to be with me."

Rene smiled, "Telly... you and Reen were the victims. You only wanted to bring back what your mom gave you. You were young and I understood that. I was also young back then. Maybe I did resent you, but growing up, I realized that you also never wanted that for Reen. The world wasn't a better place for kids like us... Mom also wanted to apologize, but she can't face you still."

I closed my eyes.

"Can I hug you?"

Rene nodded and walked toward me before hugging me tightly.

"I'll see you again later, okay?"

I nodded and smiled.

"Thank you, Rene. And I'm also sorry."

Pinapirmahan ko muna 'yung letter ko sa discipline at accounting office bago dumiretso sa dean's office. Hindi rin naman ako nahirapan since pinirmahan naman nila agad, kaso may side-comments nga lang sila tungkol sa naging reason ko.

Hay.

Nakakapagod ang stigma.

Pero kahit pa paano hindi ko na lang pinapansin dahil gumaan naman 'yung pakiramdam ko sa sinabi ni Rene.

"Therapy?" tanong ng officer sa accounting at napatingin sa'kin. "Depressed ka?"

Napakagat ako ng ibabang labi, "Attached po sa letter 'yung diagnosis po ng doctor ko," mahinahon kong sagot. Napatango naman 'yung staff at pinirmahan na lang 'yung papel.

"Grabe talaga mga bata ngayon 'no, puro depressed depressed. Wala namang ganiyan noong panahon natin!" Napakuyom ako ng kamao nang marinig iyon pero ngumiti pa rin ako at nagpaalam na bago mabilis na lumabas ng opisina. Mariin akong napapikit at napa-buntonghininga.

I hate how people disregard the condition as some sort of excuse just to escape.

My legs felt like Jell-O kaya imbes na maghagdan ay nag-elevator na lang ako pababa papunta sa dean's office. Pagdating ko sa 2nd floor, tahimik 'yung buong floor pero may mga naririnig din akong estudyante na bumababa mula sa third floor. Saglit akong napapikit at napa-buntonghininga bago kumatok at pumasok sa opisina.

"Good morning po. Kay dean po?"

"Estelita Figueroa?" Ngumiti ako at tumango nang tanungin ng secretary. "Pasok ka lang diyan. Nandiyan naman si dean, katok ka na lang hija."

Tumango ako at nagpasalamat bago dumiretso papunta sa dean's office. Ilang saglit pa bago ako nakakuha ng lakas ng loob para kumatok at pumasok.

"Good morning po, dean," sambit ko at inilapag 'yung letter. "Napapirmahan ko na po sa accounting tsaka discipline."

The dean nodded and wore her glasses bago kinuha 'yung letter, "Upo ka muna, hija." Tumango ako at umupo. I was a little nervous and scared dahil baka gano'n din ang sabihin ni dean. Hindi ko mapigilang matakot.

"So, Estelita, right?" she asked bago pinirmahan 'yung letter. "Your LOA for a year is approved, and you can renew the LOA for another year. Okay? If you already intend to re-enroll, you will have to write to the University Registrar through the Secretary na you will re-enroll."

I nodded and smiled.

"Estelita, I hope you will get better. Okay?" the dean uttered. "It also saddened me when I heard that you were filing an LOA because of your current condition, and that, I realized maybe the department wasn't doing anything for students like you."

Tears started to fall from my eyes kaya napatingala ako para pigilan 'yung luha.

"So, I hope that when you get better, and you feel safer already once you're back, you'll be in a safer environment so you will never have to have the fear to tell that you're ill, and that like any other illnesses, you also require rest." Tears kept on streaming down my face. Palakas nang palakas 'yung hikbi ko habang kaharap 'yung dean namin. 

"Sorry po... sorry po, dean. Hindi ko po mapigilan."

Ngumiti siya at iniabot sa'kin 'yung box ng tissue habang nakangiti nang kaunti, "Take your time, okay?"

I bursted to tears even more when I heard that from our dean, pero hinayaan niya lang akong umiyak.

Pagkalabas ko ng building, nag-aabang na rin sila mama sa labas habang inaayos 'yung mga gamit ko sa loob ng sasakyan. Papasok na sana ako pero nagulat ako nang may biglang tumawag sa'kin.

My whole section was there—Corrine and my friends were teary-eyed pero halatang pinipigilan lang nila kaya natawa ako.

"May klase ah..."

Natawa naman si Olly, "Nag-excuse kami kay Sir. Alam naman niya," nakangiti niyang sabi. We remained silent for a while pero nagulat ako nang bigla niya akong hilahin sa yakap.

"I'll always pray for you to recover and be better for yourself, Estelita."

I smiled.

"I'll wait for you, okay?"

I laughed and broke the embrace.

"Will you really?"

Olly chuckled, "You'll always be worth the wait for me."