Avalanche

| the death |

He tries to assure me, "Zoe, I'll see you later, alright?"

"Okay, bye Jake," I said, and then I turned to follow Admiral Bates.

There was a pit in my stomach, something bad had to have happened.

Was it my father? My breathing quickens, and I stop in the hallway. Admiral Bates pauses, looking at me.

"Di—did my dad? Is my father—?" I couldn't finish my words, my lungs burned as I tried to gulp down oxygen.

But the look on Admiral Bates face said it all.

I couldn't hear anything. Everything felt like echo, bouncing back and forth between my ears, causing my head to overload. I can't take this, I can't take this much longer.

I didn't say goodbye.

I tried to balance myself on the wall, trying to calm myself down, but I only end up making myself feel worse.

"I can't breathe. I can't—"

It's all fuzzy. I can't focus on anything around me, and every noise is too loud.

The last thing I remember before hitting the ground is someone yelling my name.

❅

All I ever wanted to be when I was young was my father. He was my hero. Still is.

Admiral Tom Kazansky was my father, but he was also Iceman, he was untouchable.

I knew it was foolish to think that way, but it was nice to dream. But life works in other ways, we all end up dying. Nobody can escape death. We live on in what we leave, in the lives of our loved ones and our legacies.

But I thought I'd at least have more time with my father, instead of standing in front of his grave, his ivory coffin raised for all to see.

My eyes flick to my classmates, who are all standing off to the side in a line. Phoenix, Bob, Rooster, Coyote, Payback, Fanboy, Harvard, Yale, Fritz, Jinx and even Hangman.

But I'm not paying attention to them, my eyes are honed on the gravesite. I don't hear a single word that everyone says about my father, or his career, I try to bear his death the best I can.

I'm holding my mother up, while my sister, Stephanie stands a little to the side with her family.

She's married to a man named James. He's nice, I guess, but I don't know him very well, I never gave him the chance to. I know he works as an accountant, and my sister is a nurse. They have a little boy together, who's name is George. He's too young to understand that his grandpa has died, and he's confused why there's so much crying, and so many people gathered in one place for a person named Iceman.

A deep shaky breath escapes my lips, tears start trickling dow my eyes, as I watch Maverick pin my father's wings to his coffin, and every naval officer saluted him.

Fighter planes fly over us, and I took a glance across the sea of my father's most trusted naval officers and friends.

The shots ring out from the firing of guns echoes across the cemetery, bestowing the highest honor for Admiral Tom 'Iceman' Kazansky. My father.

My eyes watered as his casket was lowered down into his grave, and a few tears escaped my eyes.

I don't know how long I stayed in the cemetery, but I knew that I was the last one at his grave.

My sister had dragged my mother back home and I hand been standing here for hours.

He wasn't dead. He wasn't dead. He wasn't dead.

But his gravestone said differently.

Admiral Tom Kazansky
1959-2020
Iceman

I turned around, wiping away the tears off my face.

It's time to move on.

I don't know if I could ever recover from the loss of my father, but I knew he would always want what was best for me. He would want me to try and move on with my life, but there would always be a piece of me that died with my father. He was my best friend. And he was gone.

My feet drag me to the parking lot, to where I parked, and I find that Hangman has parked next to me, and he's been waiting here ever since. I look down at my watch.

3:51

I had been here for almost 3 hours.

Hangman doesn't say a word, he knows I'm sick of hearing the empty and endless 'I'm sorry for your loss' or 'He was a good man' condolences. Of course I knew he was a good man, he was my father. And you don't have to continuously remind me of the fact that my father was dead. I'm pretty sure I knew that fact.

"Jake, you didn't have to wait here for me..."

"I know. But you shouldn't be alone right now." Jake said, opening up his arms to me.

He holds me up while I collapse in his arms, and the tears start to flow down clearly.

"I didn't—I didn't even get to say goodbye to him." I say between breaths and sobs.

"He knew that you loved him Zoe. He couldn't be more proud of you."

I sniffle and slightly pull away in his arms. He's looking down at me with warm blue eyes, but I hate that he's looking down at me in pity. That's as the last thing I needed.

"Stop looking at me like that." I whispered, "Stop looking at me with pity in your eyes. Stop it." I told him.

I can't be treated like glass that about to be broken. I wasn't broken. I wasn't fragile. I was hurt.

Jake held me tighter in his arms. "Zoe, you're allowed to feel you feelings. You don't have to be strong 24/7. It's not a bad thing to feel sad after a loss, it's not bad to cry. In fact, i think it makes a person stronger."

My head falls onto his chest, "I don't know what I'd do without you Jake." I say a little softer, "I love you."

"I love you too Zoe."

❅