Shut Up, Padfoot!

106

His palm enveloped the back of my hand. Feather-like touches from his fingertips along my knuckles. Our fingers entangled together, the light filtering between them. Slowly, he clasped around my hand, our joints bending together.

I felt his heartbeat on my back, breathing quietly. The rocking chair creaked under our weight as we swayed. The setting sun displayed itself in front of us. My dormitory's absolute mess awaited us from behind. We stared out the little window.

His nose bumped my jaw, his chin rested on my shoulder. With his beating heart and embrace, I revisited the feeling of home.

"We don't have to go... let's stay," he murmured.

"I can't sit back and let Voldemort get away with this all," I countered.

"Stay. Let's forget about it all and do whatever we want," he urged.

I let out a short laugh, shocked at the seriousness of his tone. As much as I would like to, we have to do this. We need to get as much information we can on Tom. Only then, we can get the upper hand.

"Please, stay," he whispered.

Closing my eyes for a moment, I breathed in lemonade. The wooden armchair is digging into my legs and sitting in the small seat is so uncomfortable. But I can't seem to get any closer to him.

Our limbs pressed against each other and I wished I could crawl inside his body. To be whole. To fill the void in my own dying heart and bring our home inside his.

Sirius pressed his forehead to mine when I turned it. His breath fanned my mouth and I reopened my eyes. Immediately, I flicked my gaze up to his waiting one.

I hate to put the way his eyes look into words. I can never seem to bring its beauty justice. I keep trying over and over to put letters to endless universes. I fail to accurately tell them to you. You'd have to be here, through my gaze, to barely grasp an understanding on them. They're indescribable.

"We can't. I can't," I replied gently.

His brows softened and a light smile adorned his lips. He brought our hands to my abdomen, pulling me closer into his lap. He said, "There's the savior complex again, Cry."

He laughed when I rolled my eyes. His other hand left my waist to run down my forearm. He skipped past the bone of my wrist and pressed his thumb in the divot of my pulse point. I inhaled sharply, internally welcoming butterflies.

"My hero," he teased again.

"Far from it," I grumbled.

Cool air drafted as we moved our faces away. I let my head fall back on his shoulder. He stared out the window. Birds were in the distance, flying after the burning sun. The clouds dispersed into the early evening. Darkness came from above.

I stared at him. Beauty marks and acne freckled upon his temples, his nose bridge, his chin. Long lashes fluttered with what little stubble he grew. Slight pink formulated on his cheekbones. His fringe fell over his thick brows. My heart throbbed when I saw how real he is. How pretty he is.

"I'm in love with you, Sirius," I shyly whispered.

He shifted to look at me. Padfoot made eye contact with me. They flickered between mine, searching for something. If he was looking for something, it was all there. Everything I thought, felt, saw, he can read it all. I can't hide anything from him. And I would never.

"I love you. I loved you the moment I saw you," he confessed.

"I was so stupid that I didn't know it when I was eleven. So so stupid that I didn't figure it out until thirteen," he continued.

I smiled sadly. I wanted to pause time. Have this moment to live in forever. Within his arms and watching a sun setting but never actually seeing it fully disappear. I wanted the birds to suspend in air. I wanted the world to stop moving so I could memorialize this scene with him.

"I can't believe you would ever fall in love with me. With clumsy little Fawkes and her pubescent awkwardness and ugly fourth year hair bangs," I admitted.

"You don't have to believe it. I fell in love with all them, including the bangs. You should've saw me when I went to bed that night you debuted them," he responded.

I laughed out loud in disbelief. My bangs were halfway stuck to my forehead! That, I don't believe. He grinned widely. His lids formed into crescents and his tongue peeked from one of his missing tooth gaps.

"Merlin, you must really love me if you adored that phase!" I exclaimed.

"Hey, you better have loved me through my mullet phase! If you didn't, I take back what I said," he defended.

Freezing, I realized what he said. Just as quick as I stiffened, I ducked my head to conceal my blush. It's embarrassing to admit that I actually did!

"Nooo, how could you? I knew you hated it!!" he complained.

"Actually, well, no- it was quite... Yes, I liked it," I blurt.

He gasped dramatically. I buried my face into his neck, sheepish. His hand pressed into my hip, supporting my weight. He burst into snickers, snorting midway. I held back my smile, feeling him mess with my hair.

"I'm so lucky to have met you, Fawkes. If I hadn't... I don't know. I can't live without you," he suddenly told.

Sirius used his index finger to lift my head to his. I tilted my glance, our mouths inches apart.

"You're the reason I'm here. Even when we were separated, I'm still alive because of you. I won't go on if I don't have you," I professed.

His mouth parted at the vulnerability of my words. I'm tired of cringing at voicing my inner thoughts. I'm tired of thinking that my heart's words are too profound. I want to let him know everything. I want him to know how much my heart bleeds for him. No matter how passionate I end up sounding.

"And I know it's selfish of me to say that I'd rather die before ever letting you go," I affirmed.

A tear rolled down his cheek, he breathed, "I want you to stay."

I kissed him.

My thumb swiped away the tear as I held him carefully. I swallowed back my own sob. He relaxed his shoulders as he kissed me back. The taste of the lemon drop he had earlier met my tastebuds.

"I'm sorry," I said against his lips.

-lana