Shut Up, Padfoot!

49

the switch of peter is the present and wormtail is the past

If I were to walk away now, what would I take with me?

What would I abandon?

The questions linger in my mind as I breathe the evening in. Peter trembled next to me and his shaking leg sometimes grazed mine.

I stared at the fire in front of us and I feel numb. I can't place an emotion anymore. After the conversation Padfoot, Peter, and I had, I shut down.

Picking my hand up, I let it lower on his that was placed on his thigh. I tucked my fingertips under to press along his palm and covered his knuckles. I didn't look at him and I just watched the embers in the fireplace.

Peter felt that he had to stay out of the dormitory for a while. I felt uncomfortable just leaving him down here so I stayed. The entire fight rattled both me and him but the conversation was a wave of reality.

I remembered when we sat in their dormitory after they left. Remus had carried Prongs out and the door closed behind them.

I didn't know if I was breathing but all I knew was that there was a cigarette lit and my hands wouldn't stay still enough for me to raise it to my lips.

I couldn't stop thinking about what we talked about.

Padfoot had taken the crying boy's head in his hands and their foreheads touched. He kept saying "Listen to me, focus" over and over again.

My back was flat on the mattress and I listened to the slowly quieting sobs. My bottom lip quivered and I forgot how I brought a cig out and lit it. But it was already pressed against my mouth so I put it between my lips.

"C'mon, Wormtail. Listen to me, focus on my voice. Breathe slowly," Padfoot kept saying.

Wormtail was having a panic attack.

I remembered his chest closing and his breath thinning. Slight wheezes behind his throat. Felt like he was going to die. Desperation to live struck him and a bit struck me. The panic attack gave me a rush of guilty nostalgia when I reminisced on my own from the past.

I couldn't do anything about it. I laid on that bed with the thick duvet under me. My limbs wouldn't move and I gazed at the smoke lining the air. His gasps went detected but not attended.

I squeezed on Peter's hand when I couldn't get the past out of my mind. A crackle in the flames caught his attention and he relaxed more into the cushions.

"Are you going to stay here all night?" he questioned me.

"Yes."

My arm slammed on the mattress and it bounced, turning the edge of the cigarette closer to my nail.

The sound of shuffling boots and moving positions meant that Wormtail had calmed down. I could hear his whimpers nearby still.

"Wormtail, what happened?" Padfoot finally said.

"I hurt Prongs. I got so angry that we got in a fight and- I lost control," he choked out.

"Control is overrated," I murmured in the darkening dormitory.

"Fawkes," Padfoot warned.

My teeth grit together. His voice sounded close and I had to bite back my words. I lack sensitivity. And I hate it.

"He just kept giving me a hard time. You all do. I don't like being teased all the time. Why am I always the only one?" he helplessly wondered.

The blonde hair strands swayed in the smallest bit when the draft picked up. Sheets warmed under my body and the ceiling seemed to close in on me. I tapped the ashes off the cigarette but didn't take another huff.

"We never meant ill, Wormtail, you know that. They're just jokes," Padfoot told.

"It doesn't feel that way. I'm not included enough either. I just don't want to be alone.. I hate being alone," Wormtail added.

Shifting my elbow, I brought the dying cigarette into view. I didn't even need to think twice for my powers to ignite the end of the skin with a roaring flame. The fire wouldn't go out and I let the heat lick my fingers.

"Am I nothing to you? Do I seem worthless? How come I can never- never fit in?" he continued.

"Wormtail, you know we love you. Who told you that? You've always been one of us," Sirius argued.

"It's been six years, Wormtail. How long will it take for you to realize that we've been here the whole time?" I said.

Peter inhaled silently and I turned my attention to him. His lids lowered slowly and it took longer for him to open his eyes again.

I sighed and lifted my hand from his. Gently, I prodded his shoulder so he can get comfortable. He sleepily settled his body on the couch and laid his head in my lap.

The reds and oranges from the chimney illuminated his face, fluttering along his lashes. The cold common room invited his deep slumber.

"I don't want to be the play thing of the group anymore. I want to be treated like a human too," Wormtail pleaded.

The cigarette burned out and the remains vanished. I curled myself more into the bed. Goosebumps prickled my arms.

"You always have been. Everyone is treated equally here. If you felt unloved, you should've told us. We can't read your mind, kid," Sirius reassured.

"You and me have always related more than them, Wormtail. We've felt a pain that only we can know. Something from our heads. Did you forget? Hm?" I quietly mentioned.

"Did you forget?" I repeated.

My back ached and everything hurt. Either it was the magic killing me or the disappointment of the night, but it's taken a toll.

"No, no, I didn't forget. I'm sorry," he apologized.

"Do you see how hard we're trying? Don't you see how hard we're trying to keep you? To listen to you and to love you?" I asked.

I clutched the sheets under my chin and peered at the cluttered nightstand. The fallen items and the roll of the candlestick.

"Six years, mate. You can't let go of six years. We can't either," Sirius said.

"You'll all leave me someday. Please don't lie to me," he begged.

"Even if you ruined my life, I would never leave you. You know the kind of person I am," I responded.

I hate all of this. I hate how broken he is. I hate how depressing this moment is. And I hate that we did this to him. I hate so many things but really I don't. I just say it because I can't fix it. I can't find the will to fix it.

"I'll just hurt you all. I've been hurt and I just know I'll do something to hurt you all. I just know- I-I just know," he weakly told.

"Fuck it. That's the future and even if we're hurt, we'll still be together," Sirius refused.

"Fuck it," I said.

"Yeah, fuck it," Sirius said again.

"Wormtail, say it," I ordered.

"Fuck it," he whispered.

Laying my head on the back, I ran my fingers through Peter's hair. My lids became heavy and the memory became dotted. The exhaustion of the day hit more.

"Fuck it," I muttered.

-lana
hope this isnt too confusing to read. wanted to try a slightly different writing style. i tried it once and it was very short in the patronus chapter but i think this one went well too. lmk if you liked this