Shut Up, Padfoot!

79

Strands fell in his face as he struggled to lift his head from his pillow. He pulled an ugly frown and squinted at me in the dim moonlight shining through the window. Wordlessly, he wrapped himself in his duvet and pulled his legs to the side of his bed. His feet swung, searching for the ground until he could finally get up. I blinked at him, waiting for Xenophilius to hurry the fuck up.

"I swear, in the middle of the nigh– I've got a test and mmf, Dora will kill me," he grumbled.

I sighed, getting ready to pull my manipulation card.

My fingers curled around the cuffs of my jacket and I began, "Sorry, I had to wipe the memories of the love of my life. I thought it'd be nice to pop in and offer my greetings to you afterward. I guess your appreciation would be nice but this is okay.. I guess."

"Hold on, let me put some socks on and I'll listen to your sob story in a second," he replied nonchalantly.

Victimizing myself doesn't work on X, mentally noted. I shuffled around the edge of his bed and helped myself out of the stinky room.

As I waited in the hallway, I swallowed back the lump in my throat. I may have been joking around but my heart feels heavy. Everything feels so wrong and I regret listening to the inner me, or spell, whatever.

"C'mon," Xenophilius urged.

His feet skid on the ground as he led the way back to the staircase. He clutched the ends of his blanket, his long hair trapped underneath. I could hear his breathing, weighty from the deep slumber he just came out of.

Our footsteps were loud in the common room, travelling moderately to the door. I followed him out, my brows furrowed in more guilt as time passed.

"You saw Sirius?" he questioned quietly.

His voice echoed against the walls and corners, sending an eerie chill down my spine. We continued down more moving staircases and I felt the pressure lift as we descended levels.

"Yeah... pretty one, that is," I teased with no heart.

I cleared my throat, the very small smile disappeared as quickly as I opened my mouth to joke. He ran his hand down the railing, not turning back to look at me.

I've always disliked how elaborate and large this castle is. I know we have many students but confusing them with magically shifting staircases isn't all that fun. My first year here was so hectic and I really couldn't make it to classes on time.

"He does have a charm, don't he?" he replied.

"Sure does. But my answer is biased, I am dating him– dated him," I continued.

We arrived on the lowest story. We didn't have to say anything to know which way we were heading. The clearing of the courtyard.

He settled himself on the top of the stairs, grunting in effort. I took a moment to look out at the horizon, lines of brighter sky protruding barely. I finally sat next to him, my feet tucking into the step under the one I was sitting on.

"How's Pandora?" he began.

"Okay, I think. She got a boyfriend though," I said.

"Good for her. Much better than her current one," he deadpanned.

My lips pressed into a line and I pondered why we were making small talk. Even if we didn't get along the best– yeah, that's all. We don't get along the best. Period.

"I'll just say it then. Why the hell are you here?" he asked.

I sighed, the back of my eyes starting to burn. No matter how much I covered up what just happened a couple hours ago with jokes, I have to come to terms with it. It feels like I pushed myself back so many steps and it looks impossible to take steps forward.

My palm closed and my nails dug in. I reopened my hand and fisted it again. Gritting my teeth and taking a deep breath, I tried to pull myself together.

My mouth opened but no words came out. I swear I was going to say something but no thoughts formed and no syllables were uttered. I scrunched my eyebrows and blinked furiously.

He patiently waited for me to reply. I glanced at him in the corner of my eye and felt I should've hurried to say something. I don't know what to say.

"I think– I think..." I started.

My gaze went upward, the first few snowflakes of the cold night flickered down. Freezing February was supposed to bring in the spring of the year, not revisit the loneliness of winter.

"I miss him," I choked out.

He brought me under his arm as I burst into tears.

I can't breathe. Nothing feels real. My chest hurts and I hate looking at the snow begin to pile. My toes feel numb and I can't focus on the pain of my burning palms.

The blanket draped over us and I sobbed into his shoulder. Everything feels so broken. Is this what the world is really like? Or is it just me? Was it always just me?

"He doesn't even remember me saying 'I love you'," I cried.

"He knows," he shortly told.

"No, he doesn't. He couldn't possibly know how much I love him," I argued.

"Cry, he knows," he repeated.

I went to retort again but the letters wouldn't even come out. He squeezed me tighter, almost like if he didn't, I'd fall apart.

It seems like my life was crafted to be full of pain. Everytime I'm on top of the world, I have everything, I expect the worst to follow. Because with happiness, there will always be a crash twice as bad as the last.

Almost like there is someone pulling my strings and throwing misery at every moment, I can barely keep up. I'll disappear if this continues on.

As my tears fell, I watched bitterly at the white wonderland. What use is it to exist in such an eternal world with all this suffering?

-lana