15 What Ifs [COMPLETED]

FOURTEENTH WHAT IF

FOURTEENTH WHAT IF

"What if this is not love?"

~ Rosejanet Cruz

~~~

ERIC'S POV

Two weeks. It has been two weeks since that sudden stupid outburst confession. It has been two weeks since I last saw him. And it has been two weeks since my-whatever-I-feel worsened.

I felt the same emotions when I lost Dad. I know it might be weird but I swear that I could feel the coldness surrounding me. Once again, I felt all alone and lonely.

I don't even get proper sleep or eat because of what's happening. I know Mom and Khiena are getting worried. They are worried, but I can't move properly. I can't even think straight!

But during those days, within those two weeks, I ended up thinking more about him — more of us. What might have happened if only I did not blurt that stupidity out. And as time went by, I always labeled my feelings as like or perhaps, crush. Just a simple admiration. Because I know, it can't be love. It must not be love. Because love is a heavy word — a heavy emotion. And Dax... he... He was just here for almost a month — I have only known him for almost a month. It cannot be love.

I pulled my hair out of frustration then a few seconds later, I found myself laughing without humor. I can't believe it. The problem I am trying to solve, and cannot be solved, — or maybe believe that it's already been solved — was my feelings for him. Not even my own orientation.

I laughed again. I don't even know if Mom would still accept me when she finds out about the truth. Or... Or how Khiena would look at me if ever she knew about this. I... I forgot about those because of Dax.

S-So how would I tell them about my sudden preference, if I, myself, am not even sure what I am?

Yes, I like Dax. Romantically, that is. But it's so sudden. And I'm pretty sure he's the only guy I got attracted to.

So if I like Dax, and he's a guy, does that automatically labels me gay?

But I don't like all the guys, so how does it actually work?

I let out a heavy sigh. I don't know what else to do. Everything seems to be in chaos. Everything's a mess. And I know it should not have been like this if only I did not confess!

I let out another sigh before sitting up on my bed and planning to leave the room. I felt the urge to finally eat since I did not have lunch. I wasn't in the mood to eat at that time. I was busy overthinking for goodness' sake.

I wheeled myself towards the bedroom door, opened it, went outside quietly as possible, and wheeled my way to the kitchen. I was about to turn to the left — the direction of the kitchen — when I passed by the living room. I heard my mom's voice, as well as my sister's. I thought they were just having a conversation when I suddenly heard another voice — a male voice. Dax...

I moved closer, trying to fully hear the words they mumble. Until... "Gusto ko po si Eric," I heard him say — in a very serious tone, which made me freeze.

"Like... Like a friend?" It was Khiena's voice. And I swear I could feel my lungs stop working.

I don't know how long it became quiet but I could only hear my heart thumping so fast. Until I heard his voice again. "No, as a partner. Gusto ko po siya bilang tao, bilang... b-bilang kasintahan po — k-kung papayagan niyo po ako." I could feel him stagger after saying those. "Pero kung hindi naman po, naiintindihan ko po."