Becoming Less Toxic

Chapter 4 I'm Sorry I Asked

Childhood is a time of wonderous discovery. Those early years define how we will interact with our environment throughout our life. Experts are now discovering the immense value in something as simple as human touch. Conversation begins not with words, but with skin-to-skin contact. The brains of newborns are forever changed positively or negatively based on those first few moments out of the womb of their mother, whether mom gets to hold them or not. These are scientifically researched facts, so I don't need to bore you with statistics. Every other development for the infant is intrinsically linked to the first five years of life.

All too often mental and emotional development is stunted by unforeseen interruptions. Any number of factors are at the root of these roadblocks to connection that eventually become language. The manner of delivery, such as cesarian, or natural child birth, and whether post-partum depression occurs in the mother are a few examples. There are many others. Incubators save lives but also create a barrier, at least for a time, from the contact the newborn so desperately needs. The need for verbal communication is accelerated in such cases due to long but necessary chunks of time separated from a mother who should have carried the precious one a little while longer. However, due to complications, such bonds were severed all too soon. And now a cry down a hallway of a Neonatal Intensive Care Unit is the young ones only way of communicating in a seemingly distant world. A gloved hand often the only contact the child knows. The pain of blood drawn from the feet hopefully soon forgotten being some of the first messages from the outside world.

In these first few weeks fear may grip parent and infant, because both know on some level that something is wrong. In some cases, the parent's career may worsen things by extending the time between those long hours of separation that should have been mere minutes. I'm sorry to drag you through this. This personal experience got too real. One can only hope that such experiences don't have a lasting effect on the child, but research seems to indicate otherwise. No one's life is perfect. We all experience some form of trauma early in our life. As a father, such memories are seared into my memory whether they are in a child's or not. All I can say to other fathers out there is don't leave. Be there while mom recovers. Fill in those missing moments. Perhaps, your presence will soften the blow of separation to mother and child. And thank the hospital staff for everything they're doing to give your child the life sustaining attention your child needs most.

I could spend hours on this personal life experience, but we need to get on with the purpose of this chapter. Conversation starts while the child is still in the womb. Mother's voice, her heartbeat, the music she plays, the emotions she experiences, all contribute to her unborn child's future ability to communicate. Due to research, we now know that these things are true. However, we also know that for decades none of this was considered. The popular phrase: 'Children are to be seen and not heard' dominated the social landscape. This toxic expression created a barrier between adults and children. In some cases, children were not even able to eat in the presence of their own parents. Often times, the wealthier and more educated the family, the more this was the case. Nannies and baby sitters furthering the divide between parent and child. Virtually all empathic communication was impossible. The ability to communicate would be entirely linguistic. A tutor, or governess, would fill a role divinely assigned to parents. No matter. We will take what we can get.

I can't help but think of the now famous Helen Keller who relied entirely on her abilities to touch, and smell, since her hearing and sight were not available to her. Only now are we starting to realize how blind and mute our previous generations really were in the area of human communication. Before her teacher, Anne Sullivan taught her that the act of touch could be a form of language, society as a whole might never have reached the understanding we are growing into today. Reading bumps on a piece of paper is one thing. Reading someone else's hand movements and facial expressions with your hands, is nothing less than an emotional experience.

It is essential that we ponder over the topics I've been considering in this chapter because they can help us to understand how toxic our conversations can become when we are cut off from our natural senses. Combine this with cultural and societal rules and the human brain becomes conditioned to believe that something as simple as a question is undesirable. For a young child it is as natural as drinking water. All too soon though, a question can become a source of shame. A tired or irritable parent, even with the best of intentions can either directly or indirectly stunt this natural reflex for learning.

The incessant talking of a child can grind on the nerves of even the most patient adult, but it is essential for the child that may be starved for information. They want to know why this is and why that is. My son hasn't reached that stage yet. He asks: "What's this, and what's that? In this formative first five years our ability to communicate with our children will shape how well or how toxic their conversations will become. They are literal tape recorders repeating everything they hear. Especially the things we may wish we hadn't said. Sometimes, this answering machine style of learning repeats our words at some of the most inopportune times, which may add to our frustrations. This in turn poisons their well of knowledge further.

'Be quiet', and 'shut up' have replaced the old etiquette, but the message is the same, and given enough time the young one gets the message. So, they stop asking questions. They stop trying to have a conversation with us. When they go to school a terse comment from a teacher or jeering from their peers may further suppress this natural instinct in learning. Conversation becomes nothing more than mumbles. Modern technology furthers the deterioration. Words become letters. OMG and similar expressions turn conversation into code. Finally, a short-fused employer reduces the last vestiges of our ability to ask meaningful questions into a smoldering forest after a fire.

Throughout our life we are exposed to conversation stoppers that either stifle or corrupt our ability to speak effectively. Those who survive against all odds often rise from the ashes with scars that create a broken record effect, or come off as proud or egotistical. By the time we reach old age we expect everyone to listen to what we have to say, but we may not wish to or be even capable of hearing a word other people say. We may feel that any hope of becoming less toxic in our conversations is beyond our reach. So, we die. Perhaps our tombstone, obituary, or eulogizer, can say what we never could in one last monologue.

I'm sorry to come off so negative, but if you are still reading this, it is not too late. There is still time to change. You can teach an old dog new tricks. We just need to learn the key to good conversation. We need to learn something that we may never have received from others. We must learn patience. Forget where you have been. Never forget what you have been through. Use the first to move forward and the second to drive you forward. All this time adults have been trying to teach children a thing or two. My suggestion to all of us is this: If you want to learn how to become less toxic in a conversation, try learning from a young child. If you can have a conversation with a child, you can have a conversation with anyone. Children are great teachers. They still know how to ask questions. Even the ones we may think aren't worth asking.

I know things got pretty dark earlier in this chapter. I hope it gave you a chance to think about this issue. As I write this, I am picturing the darkness an infant must experience in the womb just before birth. I hope this chapter has given you a new perspective. All of us have a chance to be better, to start over, to be born again as it were, in our ability to speak with others. May this moment be a new birth. Learn from a child, more than one if possible. Become a student of child development. We all still have so much to learn. And as we do, they will learn from us. Get down on your knee and look a child in the eye. Break the toxic pattern for you and them. When you do you will find common ground, and that is conversation 101.

Conversation isn't about knowing. It's about learning, from each other. No one understood this better than a man famous, not for his research on child development but for his weekly children's program. His example set the stage for how we can grow as a society if we can find a way to learn from a young child. He believed that such a conversation was essential 'for a girl to one day become a lady, and a boy to one day become a man.' As you turn the page, don't think of this as turning a page in a book. Think of it as you starting a new chapter of your life. The invitation is there. The choice is yours.