|| 𝑳𝑶𝑽𝑬, 𝑫𝑬𝑨𝑻𝑯 & 𝑮𝑹𝑨𝑭𝑭𝑰𝑻𝑰 ||

20. Trust

VALERIE

It takes me a long time to find out a bit more about Macey. He doesn't seem to be very active on social media anymore, but I can guess why. I eventually find him through one of his followers on Instagram, a girl who seems to be going to the same university as him. I discover a selfie she took with him seemingly in secret, as he looks out over a bridge at a river below. He's a lot more muscular in these pictures, compared to the ones on his profile, and I can tell his features have become more mature and masculine, probably due to his transitioning. He still has a similar hairstyle to the older pictures, though, and still wears glasses. Mousy brown hair that reaches his shoulders, but now it's not nicely trimmed and seems to be growing out unevenly. He also isn't smiling anymore.

The image had been tagged "When your boyfriend is the hottest man in uni."

I stare at the picture a few moments longer, before searching the location, and then waking up Riley who had fallen asleep about an hour ago. I realise now he really loves to sleep a lot. No matter what time of day it is, he just seems to pass out so easily. I wish I could sleep like that.

He sits up when he hears me calling his name softly, and rubs his eyes. "You're acting all tired like you don't fall asleep every hour." I say to him with a smile. "I found him. Herper's university."

Riley immediately seems to wake up properly at the mention of this, and his eyes begin to water when he looks at the picture I show him. I know he's going to get all emotional again and lose focus, so I quickly switch to the tab that shows his location. "It's about an hour from here. I'm sure we can book a visiting time to look around, and ask for him."

Riley's eyes have turned hopeful, and he musters a smile when I say this, making me happy that I've proved I can help. "Do you think he will be able to see me?" Riley asks.

"He should be. You guys had a close connection when you were alive."

Riley nods, and although he has fallen silent, I can tell by the expression on his face that he is excited. I assume he isn't trying to be too hopeful, but that doesn't seem to be working. I lean forward. "Are you happy or conflicted about it?"

"Trust me if I was alive, I'd hug you right now. Of course I'm happy. I'm just trying to figure out if this is real or not."

I laugh at that. "That's the same thing I've been thinking about ever since I found out you were a ghost. Also, if you were alive, we wouldn't have to search for Macey like this in the first place..." I trail off when I realise how insensitive that sounds. We are both silent for a second, but then Riley says something that catches me off guard.

"If I were still alive," he shifts his gaze away from me, and focuses on the books on the floor instead, "If I were still alive, I wouldn't have ever been able to meet you."

It's my turn to look away from him now, and I stare at my phone screen which has gone black. "But that's not much of a trade. Your life was going pretty well without me in it." It's me who's benefiting from this situation the most. If Riley hadn't died, I'd still be alone right now, and have no source of escape. I pang of guilt stings me when I realise how selfish I feel right now. I hate that I'm benefiting off someone else's misery. But this is the situation I'm in right now, so I might as well make the most of it.

"I think it could've gone better if I met you though." Riley replies, and my face feels slightly hot from this response, but I try to shake away the feeling of embarrassment. He shouldn't talk to me this way. We barely know each other. I open my mouth to speak, but he interrupts me. "And before you say we've only known each other for like a week, I know. I know, okay? But I've made up my mind that I already like you. Your personality, I mean. We get along well, we know things about each other that other people don't. You're staying in my caravan for god's sake. So can we put away this barrier now?" He looks at me sincerely. "It's okay to open up, you know. It's okay to have friends."