Gravity Sauls: A Better Call Saul x Gravity Falls fanfic

Chapter 1: Shark Week

Bwoo-weep!

"Dang it, Stanley, I thought I told you to keep that music down!" Ford's' journal page had an unintentional line across it due to his brother's sudden braking of the station wagon.

"Hey, four eyes," Stan started with an accusatory point, "I've danced around the rules in this town often enough to know what's legal and what's less than legal. And the Gravity Falls Bill of rights says nothin' about playing T8king Over Midnight by &dra at full volume."

Ford sighed, and rested his chin on his palm, staring tiredly out at the pine trees. "Just don't try to wheel and deal your way out of this one, please!" He had to yell over the music, it was so loud.

Stan rolled down his window, giving a stink eye that Ford didn't notice. "No can do, brother." Stanley Pines didn't turn the music down, and since Stanford didn't want the argument to continue any longer, neither did he.

Stan screamed over the 90's pop rock anthem, trying not to chuckle at his brilliant workaround. "WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM, OFFICER?" Sheriff Blubs just started with an unreadable face when Stan saw him. A nearby Deputy Durland, despite his normally bubbly attitude, looked deeply disturbed as well. The perceived loophole suddenly didn't seem that funny to Stan, so he turned the music off. "Blubs? This isn't about the music, is it?"

Blubs looked left of him to Durland, who shrugged, then back at Stan. He shook his head. "Well, it was really annoying," he suddenly said with a stern face, "and we could've given you a ticket for it." Then, he looked down and removed his hat. "But no. This time, we're just the messengers.

"Messengers of what?" Ford piped up, suddenly paying attention to the conversation. The waning summer heat was welcoming, but it still made his brown overcoat sweat profusely, so he tugged at his collar a few times, both to cool himself down and to have something for his nervous hands to do.

"Some pretty bad news, I'm afraid." Deputy Durland walked over and handed a stack of papers he was holding to Stan, who didn't even register them before. He began to browse through them, his poker face slowly turning into a frown of disbelief.

"Shark Rank...Jaws of Deals...Fin-tastic Loans...Hammerhead Helper?! Whose loan shark debts are these?" The fez hat hid it well, but everyone could see the sweat building up around Stan's forehead. "What's any of this got to do with me?"

Blubs continued to look at him blankly. "Turns out you was taking all those loans not too long ago, under the name 'Stanley Pines.' Now why would you make up a name like that for yourself, Stanford?"

Ford shifted in his seat and grumbled.

Stanley laughed nervously. "HA! What a stupid name!" He raised a finger, still sweating but trying to keep up the act to the best of his ability. "Y'know, Blubs, with population on the rise in the pacific northwest, I'm sure there's at least one other guy with a very similar sounding name to myself who also happens to be a very honest man with a past he'd like to...forget." Stan was looking back at the papers now, and held his mouth to his hand. "Uh...can you give us one moment alone, officers?" 

Before Blubs could finish saying "I don't see why not," the window was rolled up and the founder of the Mystery Shack was staring intensively at the science fiction protagonist come to life. "I remember taking loans from all of these guys, and more. Back when pops and you kicked me out."

"Hey, I didn't-"

"Zip it!" Stan exploded.

Ford looked offended, but understood. He began fiddling with his coat pocket.

"You know what happened next. Vacuum cleaners, sunscreen, towels, I tried to make money off anything I could make or resell. Neither was cheap, so I sucked it up and talked to some private loan companies. But the loans became too big, I got kicked out of too many states, so who doesn't love a fresh start?"

"And that's when you..."

Stan looked annoyed, but continued. "Yep. That's when. I didn't drive a perfectly good car into a creek in Idaho for kicks, Ford. I had no relation to anyone else as far as they knew, so if I 'died', then no harm done, right?"

Ford was silent.

"SO WHY ARE YOU PAYING THEM BACK UNDER YOUR NAME?"

"I had to! Those companies don't just forget about you once you die, y'know!"

"Tell me, Ford, was the first thing you thought you should do after I brought you back was 'oh, I'm going to go pay off my brother's $20,000 in debt that he tried to erase by faking his own death. That sounds like a great idea!" 

Stan's singsong voice didn't amuse Ford. "Of course it wasn't the first thing. I still thank you for returning me to Gravity Falls..."

Stan fought to not smile in self-righteousness at the statement he'd only heard once before.

"...but you owed money, and I saw a few private organizations apparently needed something you'd paid them. It's simply what any good man would've done in that situation."

"Either a good man with a crapton of cash, or an idiot with no spare dough!" Stan said as he shoved his brother (who didn't go very far with his door being locked, but was still bruised).

Ford rubbed both his shoulders with all twelve of his fingers. "I'm...I'm sorry, all right? I'm sorry."

Stan looked down. "Yeah. You should be."

Blubs rapped on the glass, and Stan rolled it down again.

"Looks like you two have some issues to work out."

Deputy Durland did a happy jig. "Issues, issues, y'all've got issues!"

"Read the room, darlin'."

"Sorry, Blubs." He looked down with immense shame.

Blubs coughed. "Anyways, whatever's goin' on, you better get it sorted out quick, Mr. Pines. I know we've had our disagreements, but I couldn't stand to see you go, Stan."

Stan raised an eyebrow. "See me go?"

Deputy Durland handed one last piece of paper to Stan - again, one that he didn't notice before. Momentarily forgetting his conning self, he lifted his eyepatch to assist in reading the legal-looking document, causing Deputy Durland to faint (who was thankfully caught by his partner).

Gravity Falls Eviction Notice

In the name of mayor Tyler Cutebiker, all Pines family members are BANNED from entering Gravity Falls following September 15th, 2016.

Stan didn't read past that. "The 15th? That's not even a month away!"

"Like I said, Stan. I'm just the messenger."

"Well, hold on," Ford spoke up. "Why is the town banning us if it's the loan sharks that we need to pay back?"

Deputy Durland's mouth opened automatically at that statement. "Any citizen of the town of Gravity Falls who owes a surplus of $15,000 dollars and fails to pay it back over the course of 15 years, in any state, is liable to any form of punishment by the town jury. Whether or not the debt is paid back after the fact is irrelevant."

"He's trained to say that every time someone asks about it," Blubs explained. "New policy from the new mayor."

Ford held his face in his hands as he bent over, and Stan kept staring at the notice as he said, "So that's it, huh?"

Blubs nodded with sorrow. "I wish I could help, Stan. But this is one hole you've gotta get out of yourself. You might wanna pack up that tourist trap of yours before it gets sold off to the highest bidder."

Ford (and even Blubs) expected Stan to have some kind of witty comeback, but he was mistaken. "Yep," the conman replied to the sherrif. He rolled the window back up.

"Listen, Stanley, I am so, so sorry-"

"Can it, four eyes!" Stan put his hands on the wheel, not intending to drive anywhere. "It's not just about you anymore. So don't apologize. 

Ford nodded. "So now what?"

"We go tell Soos."

Ford had no objections this time.

Stan stepped on the gas, kicking up dust in front of Sherrif Blubs and Deputy Durland as the brothers drove off, wondering how they would break the news.