Natasha Romanoff Imagines

Smiling Depression

Warning: Smiling Depression swearing Thoughts of cutting, It gets a little deep
Words: 1020

Summary: You've been an Avenger for a year, and everyone thinks that your always a happy and cheerful person. You just think that's expected from you and you grew up with parents that didn't believe in mental health. When your alone at night, you listen to some sad music but tonight, it got the best of you and you feel like your not worth it and the expectations are to much. You thought since everyone's asleep, you could have some new type of relief, but...
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Y/n pov:

It's another day of making people laugh and happy, but I still feel empty. Like I'm not happy, but when someone comes around, I smile and act like it's fine. It's become a reflex. Anytime anyone asks if I'm ok, or if I feel ok, I feel prompted to say, I'm good, or yeah, I feel fine. That's just how I grew up, talking about feeling weren't what my parents wanted to hear, because every time i would tell them something, they'd say, "Stop moping around and put some spring in your step. You don't have that many things to stress you out." Showing any kind of emotion other than smiles and happiness didn't feel like an option.

As usual, I think everyone is asleep, so I put my headphones on and blast some sad music, hoping that I can feel the relief of crying. I can't remember the last time I did. It felt nice to be able to cry sometimes, but it was always short and it went away with a few blinks. Today, I didn't cry, in fact my eyes were dry, and the music is just feeding into the painful feeling in my heart. Then I remember how all my other friends would cut and they said it felt good. Maybe I can try something new.

I ran into my bathroom and broke one of the blades off the razor and looked at it. Feeling overwhelmed, why couldn't I just do it. I stared at it thinking about the type of relief I might feel. But the door swung open.

Nats pov:

I was awake, I just couldn't sleep. I don't know why, but I was sitting reading my book with my dim lamp on, when I hear a faint sound, like music. I wanted to explore, so I got up and followed the sound. It lead me to y/n's room, but the song didn't sound like something she would listen to. The little bit I heard just wasn't her. I listen for a little, then I heard it stop, and foot steps walking away, she went to the bathroom. Ok, that's normal, but I want to talk to her about the music, so I wait for footsteps to the bed, but I never hear any. It's been 5 mintues, so I burst into the room and bathroom, and I see y/n staring at a blade. I quickly get in front of her and look down at her. She looks like she was fine and hoping I didn't see it, but I did.
Y/n: Oh, hey Nat, what are you doing up?"
Nat: I can ask you the same thing.

I lead her to the bed and sit next to her.

Nat: What were you doing before I came in the bathroom?
Y/n: Using it, duh
Nat: y/n, I saw the blade don't bull shit around this one. Every time I check of you, you always answer with yeah, I'm fine and run off. So tell, me did you cut?
Y/n: No, Nat. Why would I? My razor broke that's all
Nat: Do you expect me to believe that. How long?
Y/n: huh?
Nat: How long have you felt like doing that? I want to help you. So please just tell me what's wrong?
Y/n: I dont need help Nat, everything fine. If something wasn't, I could handle it on my own.
Nat: You obviously can't handle it on your own, if you were about to hurt yourself. I'm going to stay here until you tell me why your feeling down.

Y/n pov:

And she's serious too, she once said, I'm not leaving till you tell me what Steve told you, and she really didn't, she stayed in my room for 2 days, until I told her. This time, there is no way out of it, I have to tell her. I feels weird just thinking about talking to someone about your problems. She just stared at me waiting for me to say something.

Y/n: Nat, promise you won't tell.
Nat: I promise, but you have to tell me what's going on.

Y/n: I can't- I feel like I- I feel like, I'm expected to be the cheerful. It's like I'm trained to smile and say everything's fine. Like it's just what I'm supposed to say, and then handle it on my own. But I just can't explain why I do it, it just happens.

Nat: y/n, I understand how you feel, and it gets easier to let go of your feelings if you talk about it. I'm sorry that I didn't find out sooner.
Y/n: It's not your fault. I was raised to smile and move on. So now, bottling up my emotions are a lot easier. Thanks Nat, for being here for me.
Nat: It's no problem, but I'm not leaving your side, till I actually make you happy.

Third person:
Nat did exactally that. She stayed all night and the next day, making you laugh and helped you talk about yourself more, and you actually cried.

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It's sad that I can relate to most of this. Ik that this is a serious issue so please, if you feel like this, talk to someone, because it does help. You aren't alone either, and it doesn't make you weak, or a burden. So thanks for reading and have a good day/ night <3 ❤️  sorry for the kinda sad chapter