burn || remus lupin

outrunning karma

"Of course we are!" She took Remus's egg from him and drew on a frowny face. "There," she said. "Now your egg baby is as grumpy as you are."

"Two sickles each for the winner," said James with an outstretched hand. Sydney shook it excitedly and then the hand was extended to Remus. He looked down at his frowny egg, over at Sydney, checked his pocket to be sure he actually had two sickles, and then sighed and shook James's hand.

Sirius broke his egg within the hour. It wasn't his fault, really, how was he to know that he had put it on his salad plate (giving "Egg Salad" a fourth chance at being funny)? When he stacked his dirty dishes, Seggs Benedict was far too gone. They gave him a second try, but Seggs Benedict Jr. ended up thrown at Frank, who simply said that it had a strong resemblance to Sybill Trelawny.

"Not like I had much of a shot," Sirius said. "I probably saved that egg baby years of Black family torture."

James peered threateningly around the table. "And then there were five."

"Actually," said Peter. "Since you four are coupled up, I think it only makes sense that two of you discard your egg and then continue on in pairs. It's a foolproof test of parenthood. Might give you some things to consider in the future. Especially you, Syd."

Lily caught James's hand in the air before he could break his egg. "Nice try, Pete."

"Yeah," said James. "Nice try, Pete."

"What do you mean, "Especially you, Syd?""

Peter shrugged. "I personally wouldn't leave Moony alone with a child," he said. "Thought it might be beneficial for him to have a partner."

Remus scoffed. "What do you mean? I'm great with kids."

"Have you forgotten the Potter's summer party?" Lily asked. "You accidentally told that Weasley boy that Father Christmas wasn't real. And then you thoroughly explained the logistics of why it was ridiculous for him to even think that he was in the first place."

"I thought it might calm him down if he knew the science!"

"Remus, he's five!"

James was laughing now. "Remember, too, Molly gave him baby Percy for a bit and we all left Remus to change his nappy."

"That was just evil."

"Well you wouldn't hold him!" protested Sirius. "It was only fair you did something."

"Yeah," said Lily. "And it's not like we expected you to put it on backwards."

"You couldn't even snap shut his onesie," added Peter with a grin.

"Those buttons are so tiny!" Remus insisted. "Plus he was crying the entire time!"

"Yeah, because babies hate you," said Sirius. "Just the facts, mate. But hey, bright side is you'll never have to change a nappy if you have no children!"

"It's because you're so mean," Peter said. "Really, babies can sense that stuff."

"I'm not mean," Remus said. No one agreed.

"Remember my turtle?" Peter asked. Remus groaned and dropped his head into his hands.

"Not this again, please."

The short story was that Peter's turtle was always in the way and had a sort of smell and always ended up in Remus's bed with that smell. All Remus did was... relocate it. Back to the outdoors. Its natural habitat. Not mean at all. Kind, really.

Peter told the long version.

"Remus, that's horrible!" Sydney cried.

"Whatever, fuck you guys," Remus said, pushing himself to his feet.