before i die Jenny Downham

twelve

I know Im in a hospital as soon as I open my eyes. They all smell the same, and the line hooked into my arm is achingly familiar. I try to sit up in bed, but my head crashes and bile rises in my throat.
A nurse rushes over with a cardboard bowl, but shes too late. Most of it goes over me and the sheets.
Never mind, she says. Well soon have that cleaned up.
She wipes my mouth, then helps me roll onto my side so that she can untie my nightgown.
Doctorll be here soon, she says.
Nurses never tell you what they know. Theyre hired for their cheeriness and the thickness of their hair. They need to look alive and healthy, to give the patients something to aim for.
She chats as she helps me on with a fresh gown, tells me she used to live near the ocean in South Africa, says, The sun is closer to the earth there, and its always hot.
She whisks the bed sheets from under me and conjures up fresh ones. I get such cold feet in England, she says. Now, lets roll you back again. Ready? Thats it, all done. Ah, and what good timing – the doctors here.
Hes bald and white and middle-aged. He greets me politely and drags a chair over from under the window to sit by the bed. I keep hoping that in some hospital somewhere in this country Ill bump into the perfect doctor, but none of them are ever right. I want a magician with a cloak and wand, or a knight with a sword, someone fearless. This one is as bland and polite as a salesman.
  69

Tessa, he says, do you know what hypercalcaemia is?
If I say no, can I have something else?
He looks bemused, and thats the trouble – they never quite get the joke. I wish he had an assistant. A jester would be good, someone to tickle him with feathers while he delivers his medical opinion.
He flips through the chart on his lap. Hypercalcaemia is a condition where your calcium levels become very high. Were giving you bisphosphonates, which will bring those levels down. You should be feeling much less confused and nauseous already.
m always confused, I tell him.
Do you have any questions?
He looks expectantly at me and I hate to disappoint him, but what could I possibly ask this ordinary little man?
He tells me the nurse will give me something to help me sleep. He stands up and gives a nod goodbye. This is the point where the jester would lay a trail of banana skins to the door, then come and sit with me on the bed. Together wed laugh at the doctors backside as he scurries away.
Its dark when I wake up and I cant remember anything. It freaks me out. For maybe ten seconds I struggle with it, kicking against the twisted sheets, convinced Ive been kidnapped or worse.
Its Dad who rushes to my side, smooths my head, whispers my name over and over like a magic spell.
And then I remember. I jumped in a river, I persuaded Cal to join me on a ridiculous spending spree and now Im in hospital. But the moment of forgetting makes my heart beat fast as a rabbits, because I actually forgot who I was for a minute. I became no one, and I know itll happen again.
  70

Dad smiles down at me. Do you want some water? he says. Are you thirsty?
He pours me a glass from the jug, but I shake my head at it and he sets it back down on the table.
Does Zoey know Im here?
He fumbles in his jacket and takes out a packet of cigarettes. He goes over to the window and opens it. Cold air edges in.
You cant smoke in here, Dad.
He shuts the window and puts the cigarettes back in his pocket. No, he says. I suppose not. He comes back to sit down, reaches for my hand. I wonder if he too has forgotten who he is.
I spent a lot of money, Dad.
I know. It doesnt matter.
I didnt think my card would actually do all that. In every shop I thought theyd refuse it, but they never did. I got receipts though, so we can take it all back.
Hush, he says. Its OK.
Is Cal all right? Did I freak him out?
Hell survive. Do you want to see him? Hes out in the corridor with your mother.
Never, in the last four years, have all three of them visited me at the same time. I feel suddenly frightened.
They walk in so seriously, Cal clutching Mums hand, Mum looking out of place, Dad holding open the door. All three of them stand by the bed gazing down at me. It feels like a premonition of a day that will come.
  71

Later. Not now. A day when I wont be able to see them looking, to smile, or to tell them to stop freaking me out and sit themselves down.
Mum pulls a chair close, leans over and kisses me. The familiar smell of her – the washing powder she uses, the orange oil she sprays at her throat – makes me want to cry.
You had me scared! she says, and she shakes her head as if she simply cant believe it.
I was scared too, Cal whispers. You collapsed in the taxi and the man thought you were drunk.
Did he?
I didnt know what to do. He said wed have to pay extra if you puked.
Did I puke?
No.
So did you tell him to piss off?
Cal smiles, but it wavers at the edges. No.
Do you want to come and sit on the bed?
He shakes his head.
Hey, Cal, dont cry! Come and sit on the bed with me, come on. Well try and remember all the things we bought.
But he sits on Mums lap instead. I dont think Ive ever seen him do this. Im not sure Dad has either. Even Cal seems surprised. He turns into her shoulder and sobs for real. She strokes his back, sweeping circles with her hand. Dad looks out of the window. And I spread my fingers out on the
  72

sheet in front of me. Theyre very thin and white, like vampire hands that could suck everyones heat away.
I always wanted a velvet dress when I was a kid, Mum says. A green one with a lacy collar. My sister had one and I never did, so I understand about wanting lovely things. If you ever want to go shopping again, Tessa, ll go with you. She waves her hand at the room extravagantly. Well all go!
Cal pulls away from her shoulder to look at her. Really? Me as well?
You as well.
I wonder wholl be paying! Dad says wryly from his perch on the window ledge.
Mum smiles, dries Cals tears with the back of her hand, then kisses his cheek. Salty, she says. Salty as the sea.
Dad watches her do this. I wonder if she knows hes looking.
She launches into a story about her spoiled sister Sarah and a pony called Tango. Dad laughs and tells her she can hardly complain of a deprived childhood. She teases him then, telling us how she turned her back on a wealthy family in order to slum it by marrying Dad. And Cal practises a coin trick, palming a pound from one hand to the other, then opening his fist to show us its vanished.
Its lovely listening to them talk, their words gliding into each other. My bones dont ache so much with the three of them so close. Perhaps if I keep really still, they wont notice the pale moon outside the window, or hear the meds trolley come rattling down the corridor. They could stay the night. We could be rowdy, telling jokes and stories until the sun comes up.
But eventually Mum says, Cals tired. Ill take him home now and put him to bed. She turns to Dad. ll see you there.
  73

She kisses me goodbye, then blows another kiss from the door. I actually feel it land on my cheek.
Smell you later, Cal says.
And then theyre gone.
Is she staying at ours? I ask Dad.
It seems to make sense just for tonight.
He comes over, sits on the chair and takes my hand. You know, he says, when you were a baby, me and Mum used to lie awake at night watching you breathe. We were convinced youd forget how to do it if we stopped looking. Theres a shift in his hand, a softening of the contours of his fingers. You can laugh at me, but its true. It gets easier as your children get older, but it never goes away. I worry about you all the time.
Why are you telling me this?
He sighs. I know youre up to something. Cal told me about some list youve made. I need to know about it, not because I want to stop you, but because I want to keep you safe.
Isnt that the same thing?
No, I dont think so. Its like youre giving the best of yourself away, Tess. To be left out of that hurts so much.
His voice trails off. Is that really all he wants? To be included? But how can I tell him about Jake and his narrow single bed? How can I tell him it was Zoey who told me to jump, and that I had to say yes? Drugs are next. And after drugs, there are still seven things left to do. If I tell him, hell take it away. I dont want to spend the rest of my life huddled in a blanket on the sofa with my head on Dads shoulder. The list is the only thing keeping me going.
  74