some people do... (noah schnapp)

chapter 20

dear noah,

hey i guess. this is kind awkward and i don't really know what to say, as you quite literally cheated me. someone said i should write you a letter, as i can't bring myself to talk to you. i'm doing this for me because you have taken up too much space in my mind when you shouldn't. first of all, i'm confused. i'm confused as to why i saw you kissing my best friend. i'm confused how you said you love me one day then i saw you kissing my best friend. i'm confused how we planned a future and then i saw you kissing my best friend. i'm angry. i'm angry because you knew how much i trusted you. i'm angry because you played with my heart and now i can't be happy. i'm sad. i'm sad because i lost you. my best friend who i shared my happiest moments with.
i will say, during this time i learned a lot. a lot about myself. i learned that when i love someone and truly care about them, like i did with you, i let my entire world revolve around them. you came into my life when i needed someone to fill an empty space. you weren't just a person but you were someone i became enraptured with and wanted to spend every second with.
this is not fair to me. i'm holding on to you, this image i had of us, because i still have hope, but i cant change a person. i cant change you. i cant change the fact you kissed her. at the very least, i deserved honesty from you. i realize that now. you made me feel like a failure. like i failed at loving you. i feel stupid. so stupid.
i will say, despite the ache i feel, i don't regret being with you. you gave me so much even when i had little to give back. you made a better person and brought adventure into my life. it was short, but i guess it was worth it. i loved you, noah. i know i wasn't always easy to be with, but you were patient with me. i'm sorry if i ever did anything to hurt you or make you think i didn't love you, but i can promise you i loved you with everything thing i had in me. i'm sorry if i didn't show it.
from knowing you in this short amount of time, i noticed a lot about you. i'm proud of you. you went from the new boy to talk of the town with your academic and athletic achievements. you are an incredibly hard working boy and i admire that. i wish i could be there to share your further success.
i really want to believe it when you say you didn't want or mean to hurt me. but you certainly have. when someone you love isn't loyal, it really hurts. it hurts more than everything and i hope you don't have to experience that. i want to believe you. i want to let you back in my life. most of all, i want you. but i'm scared. i'm scared you are going to hurt me again. now that i think about it. maybe i'm not angry. i'm just hurt. i hope one day we can fix that. until then, i really wish you the best. because deep down, i still have so so much love for you noah. you're always in my heart.

-cassidy

i enclose the letter and drop it off at his mailbox. as i close the mailbox, a sense of relief washes over me. i finally got out what i wanted to say. and i realized something in that moment.

i love noah.

i have never been more sure of something that i am now. and i know for a fact, i will not stop until we fix this.