Once

Forty Four

"Um... because I made Kaye upset," she said.

Her dad gave a tiny shake of his head. Again he didn't quite answer what she'd said, but asked her another question.

"Do you know why Kaye was upset this morning?"

"Dad, honestly - I'll go and say I'm sorry -"

"She doesn't want to see you right now. She didn't even want me to come and have this conversation with you."

That hit Elle like a slap in the face. She'd imagined Kaye sitting downstairs, haughty as a queen, waiting for the misbehaving courtier to be brought before her for punishment. It made her feel awful to hear that Kaye didn't even want to see her. Even more awful than she felt already, which she hadn't thought was possible.

"The thing is, I thought it was important for you to know this," her dad went on flatly. "The reason Kaye was so upset isn't because you said she tries too hard. That's why I'm upset with you. I'm not going to go into that now. I assume you regret saying that, but whether you regret it or not is sort of irrelevant. You can apologise to Kaye if you want to. It's up to her whether she chooses to forgive you or not."

"I am sorry, dad."

He raised a hand to stop her.

"I just told you. Whether you're sorry or not really doesn't matter. You've said it. You can't take it back."

Elle realised she was fighting back the urge to cry. Her dad could surely see that, hear it in her voice, but he didn't seem to care. That was truly horrible. For her dad not to care that she was about to burst into tears, not wanting to hold her to him and tell her it would all be OK. She felt more cut off from him now than she ever had.

She had a sudden terrible memory flash into her brain. A memory of walking in on her dad with dozens of photograph albums open. It couldn't have been long after her mum had died. He'd been crying - the loud hard unabashed crying that until then she'd only associated with little children. It was the first time she'd realised that adults weren't some bizarre species that was different to her. They were just like big versions of children. They felt all the same things she did.

Until now that was the worst memory she had of her father. She was sure this one would surpass it.

Her lip was shaking as she mumbled incoherently, "Just tell me, dad. Tell me why Kaye is so upset with me."

Her dad shot another hard, unblinking stare at her.

"Kaye's not your mum, Elle. She doesn't want to be. She never claimed to be."

"I know that, dad -"

"No, Elle. I've told you that you need to hear this. Kaye doesn't want to be your mum, Elle. But she does want to be something to you. She loves you. You might not think it. You might not even want it, but it's there. And there are going to be very few people in your life who love you like Kaye does."

Elle's breath caught in her throat. She was really crying now. She could barely see through her bleary eyes.

"And the problem is, Elle, that you do think of her as your mum. I know you don't think you do, but you do. Everything you think about Kaye is somehow linked to this idea you have of your mum, and the fact that you think she's trying to replace her. And I need you to hear this, Elle: Kaye is not trying to be your mum. Every thought and feeling you've ever had about her, you've imposed on her because you've got that idea in your head. You've invented her as a person, instead of accepting her for who she actually is. And because you've done that you've never seen the real person. The real person who genuinely loves and cares about you."

She remembered that morning, the sudden shocking realisation that Kaye wasn't some background inconvenience she could just ignore until it went away. Jesus Christ, was he right?

"I'll - do better," she said. Her voice came out in shaky cracks between hiccuping sobs. How could he just sit there like a wall of stone, watching her cry like this? "I'll - really - try. I'm sorry, dad - oh god, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..."

He rose suddenly to his feet. She realised he couldn't stand to see her like this. But he couldn't bring himself to forgive her, either.

"I'd recommend you stay up here tonight," he said. "It won't help anything, you coming down and telling Kaye you're sorry. You'd better just give her some time. And I assume you realise you're grounded, right? That means no prom tomorrow night."

Elle just gave a vague nod. She realised for the first time that she'd sort of never planned to go to prom anyway. She'd been hoping for weeks that her friends would decide to sack it off and stay at home watching horror films.

Her dad moved to the door. He stood with his hand on the handle, facing away from her. His back to her was tense.

"You've brought this on yourself, Elle. I'm sorry but that's the way it is."

He went out. She heard him going down the stairs.

You've brought this on yourself, Elle. He didn't even realise how right he was. Her friends hated her. Her family didn't want to even look at her. She was completely alone.

And tomorrow someone else in Farway would be attacked, maybe killed. And she would see it coming. And now she was completely powerless to stop it.

She crossed the room to her noticeboard. She snatched down the photo of her mum, shoved it into her desk drawer and slammed it shut. She couldn't stand those eyes on her right now.

She then went back to the bed, buried her face in the pillows, and cried herself to sleep.