Chapter Five.

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Brooks dropped me off rather late last night. Given the respect and trust my entire family has in him, it wasn't a problem at all. They assumed we had a great time, and we did. I mean, as soon as I walked through the door I got bombarded with questions like "what did you guys do?" and "did you have fun?" They would've been meaningless if the night didn't end the way it did. But, at last, it did. There was no turning back. This ship has officially set sail.

"We played a round of mini golf, ate some ice cream, and then watched the sunset as we tried to figure out what to do with our lives next," I admitted, leaving out the most important part. I think the McKay residency would literally crumble if I casually strolled into the kitchen for breakfast and said, "Oh yeah, Brooks and I madeout for 10 minutes and as we practically confessed our love for each other!" Like, seriously. I can't even imagine how they would react. And it's a good thing I don't have to find out, because it's a secret I will take with me to my grave.

Or at least until we sort everything out between us.

Yeah, that sounds better. Brooks and I still have to figure out if we even want to try and be more now. We still have senior year of high school which is going to be rigorous. I can't imagine balancing everything the upcoming 9 months will entail for us between sports and clubs. Neither of us would ever put the other in a position where we add stress into each other's lives. We aren't those people in general, and we've always been extra careful in regards to each other's lives. Our goal is to always provide the other with comfort and happiness, so getting into a relationship where a lot is on the line doesn't exactly sound smart. Like he said, we're both smart people, so I guess we'll figure it out.

But at what cost?

I spend most of the day curled up in my bed journaling. If anyone ever found it, I would totally be dead. There's so many things in here that would ruin me. Not anything problematic, just embarrassingly vulnerable of me. It sounds like I worship Shakespeare in regards to my word choice and watch strictly rom-coms by the way I talk about love and all good things in the world. Which to be quite frank, both are true. But that's besides the point, which leads me back to my initial one—nobody can find this journal. Ever.

I pick up my pen and let the ink begin to spill out onto a blank page.

June 9th

Last night the most absurd thing happened to me. He kissed me. He told me he liked me. Hello??? How am I even breathing right now! 12 year old me 100% would've gone into cardiac arrest and needed to seek medical attention. I guess it's a good thing I know how to control my emotions to an extent. Clearly I didn't last night, though. It was perfect. The fact that I can say the first and only boy I've ever loved kissed me and initiated it is such a win for me, especially since that boy is Brooks. The most incredible person I know. I always thought I would marry him someday, and I think our Mom's always did, too. I'm only seventeen and I don't know much, but I do know that it's wayyyy too early to think about that stuff. Although I definitely do already have our wedding planned. Every detail. Did it all when I was 13. Anyways, my head is spinning. I have no idea what happens next or how to bounce back from this amazing "setback". I guess I'll figure it out.

Anna Sun
x

I lock the journal shut and put it in the spot nobody would ever suspect (and by that I mean a literal memory box my mother sorts through probably once a year). I run my hands through my hair and decide to pick up my phone and text him. "Hey, can we talk?" I press send before I can regret it. "Always. Meet me at my place in 10?" I should've said no, but of course it was an instant yes. I quickly hurry out the door and make up some BS excuse that went along the lines of "I left the hoodie that Delaney lended me in Brook's car, I have to run and get it." I don't know why my mom believed me or if she even cared that I was lying, but with an encouraging look she told me to have fun. Either she knows what's up or she's on some type of drug that fogs your mind up. Considering her extremely clean lifestyle and her years of working as an advocate to say no to drugs and alcohol, I highly doubt the second option is plausible.

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⏰ Last updated: Jul 24, 2022 ⏰

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