Knee Pads

26 | initial pass

          In a way, I'd broken her heart long before she'd done it to me. That still didn't change the fact that I wanted to try; I wanted her to try, I wanted her to give us a chance.

          "We can start by talking," I continued, aware I was threading through dangerous territory. She stepped back, making me drop my hand, and my stomach sank, clenched with fear over the possibility of losing her for good because I never found the right words to say. "I know you're scared, but I need you to let me in for once. It involves me, too, so it's only fair if we . . . try to navigate this together."

          "I just need some time to think about things, that's all."

          "Do you . . ." I gulped. "Do you regret it?"

          "No." She looked away, staring over my shoulder at something behind me. When her eyes found mine again, she looked sincere enough for me to avoid second-guessing myself and everything I'd done up until that point, but the sadness wasn't something I could ignore. "You've done nothing wrong. It's just . . ."

          "Please tell me you're not about to drop a it's not you, it's me excuse on me. We're better than that."

          "It's why I said I need to think about it. I need to convince myself I didn't just completely screw things up between us." She chewed down on her bottom lip. "Can you, at least, let me take a shower first so I can clear my head by myself for a bit? We can . . . think things through by ourselves and then we'll talk. You can talk to Kat about it, if you want. If it helps. For me, it's something I need to do on my own."

          "Okay." She nodded. I finally allowed myself to take a deep breath. "Can you just promise me one thing? Can you promise me you won't just . . . disappear? Pretending nothing happened isn't the right way to deal with things. It won't make it go away." I paused, bracing myself for what I needed to say next. It was make it or break it time. "I can't lose you."

          Corinne blinked. "You've never lost me. I've always been here."

          With that, she turned on her heel and walked away. All the while, I found myself thinking how many more times I'd have to watch her leave.

▂ ▂ ▂ ▂ ▂

          In spite of all the hurt and confusion, I still chose to believe and trust Corinne and made my way back to my dorm room, where I'd find the one person who would be able to provide me with some comfort. Unfortunately, I blew it as soon as I opened the door—slammed it open was more exact wording—and startled her to no end, nearly making her drop everything she was holding.

          "Jesus Christ," Kat complained, huffing and blowing her curls away from her face. "Would it kill you to enter the room like a normal person instead of almost giving me a heart attack every single time? One day, I'll start writing down how many times you—"

          "I need your advice." She immediately straightened, patting the empty spot in front of her on the bed, and I happily obliged. Now that I was sitting close enough to her, she could finally get a good look at me, not influenced by the rude awakening I'd put her through for the hundredth time. "So . . ."

          "Why are you dripping water all over my stuff?"

          "You asked me to sit here. It's pouring outside."

          "Yes, but why in the world would you be outside with this weather? I know you're from California and all, but, if after all this time you're still underestimating New England winters . . ."