Worthless - Larry Stylinson fanfic

Chapter 25

A/U: I'm putting it at the top today 'cause I'm afraid you'll all hate me at the end...this is the second last chapter before the epilogue. And thanks to everyone who's reading this story and for you who's voting and commenting. I never thought it would go so good for this story as it has, so thank you :)

/Agnes

(I'll let this note be left too just because I can)

“Thank you! We love you all!” Niall screamed to the crowd before we ran off stage. It was the fifth concert we had done this week and I felt…I didn't even know how I felt. I didn’t feel. I didn’t feel anything anymore. I could hear the howl in my head but I couldn’t feel my headache. I could tell when I was going to vomit, but I didn’t feel it. I could see the blood when I cut but I couldn’t feel it. I just couldn’t feel and that was worse than feeling. I actually missed the pain. A lot.

I knew I was tired but I didn’t feel it. I knew when I should be hungry but I didn’t feel it.

It was like all feelings just washed away since the night Harry and I talked. It was gone and I didn’t like it a bit. Sure, the first days were good but when I didn’t feel when I cut it just broke me. I broke down and cried harder than I've ever done.

I sighed and I could see the other lads, except from Harry who ignored me again, shooting worried glances in my way. I tried to give them a fake smile but I couldn’t manage. It was like I had forgotten how to smile. 

It was as I had forgotten how to live.

I lived, but I still didn’t. I was here, but I still wasn’t. I heard everything, but I still couldn’t take it in. I saw everything, but I still couldn’t understand it. I knew what to feel, but I still didn’t. I was dead, but I still wasn’t. My body was still alive, but my mind wasn’t.

I was half way there. Half way finished. Half way to my goal. It was not long left. I knew it somehow. 

My mum was worried, the lads was worried, management was worried and the fans was worried. I could understand them, it was not everyday you saw Louis Tomlinson, the guy who laughed, joked and smiled, walking around like a ghost. 

The only thing that made me not a ghost was that I got it backwards. I was a body without soul, while a ghost was a soul without body.

I had started to accept that I would not make it through. That I would give up. I knew I would and that was the only thing that kept me going. When the right time came I would end it. It was simple.

I was not going to write a letter to my loved ones, that just made it look like I regretted it and I really had nothing to tell them. This was my decision and nothing they could have said or done would have made me change my mind. I was finished.

It was like I thad hought it would be. I hadn’t planned a time to do it, it just kind of happened.

***

I sat in the bathroom with a razor in one hand and my other was covered with cuts and blood. Instead of cutting athwart my veins like I used to, I cut with them. I cut deeper than I ever had and in both of my arms along with my pulse incur. It bled like hell and for the first time in a while I felt the pain.

It hurt like…like…I don’t know it hurt more than words could tell. 

But there I sat on the bathroom floor in a five stared hotel with blood running all over the floor and covering every inches of my arms. I was shaking and the pain made me want to scream but I couldn’t make a sound. I felt cold and black dots kept appearing in front of my gaze. I knew I was close the end but I still couldn’t take it in.

“We’ve decided make two groups.” 

“You’re through.”

“I’d probably date Mary.”

“Louis, this is Caroline. My girlfriend.”

“The winner is… ONE DIRECTION!”

“I love you.”

“You’re worthless!”

Memories kept flashing through my head and I closed my eyes. My body shook and the pain filled my whole body.  

I heard voices from outside but I couldn’t focus. It was all blurry. I think there was a knock on the door but I couldn’t be sure. Darkness and coldness was surrounding me and crept in to my skin. I didn’t feel anything more than the pain. I couldn’t feel the blood dripping on my skin or the floor I sat on.

Someone was trying to enter the room, but I had locked the door. I heard a panicked voice but I couldn’t understand what it was saying.

Something light was nearing me and the light looked warm and safe. I wanted to feel it. Just as the light was coming closer the pain started to disappear the door opened. I didn’t look to see who it was. The light was now taking my body with it. I felt like I was flying and just before it all ended I could hear three words get spoken from somewhere down.

“I love you.” The voice had said and I smiled lightly when I recognized it.

I love you too, I thought before I let myself follow the light.