Worthless - Larry Stylinson fanfic

Chapter 24

Louis' POV

Did Harry just try to make peace with me? It couldn't be possible. It wasn't possible. It wasn't real probably. It was just the blood lost that made me hear and see thing that never happened. I think I might have cut a bit too deep and then it was the ringing and the fact that I vomited everything that was in my stomach and a bit more. 

It was probably because of the hurt in my arm, my headache, the burning in my stomach, the dizziness and the lack of sleep that made me believe that Harry was there. Because it couldn't have happened. It didn't and it wouldn't ever do. Time to move on.

It was so simple to think but so hard to do. I had tried, I had. I had tried almost everything I could think of but nothing worked. It was probably ‘cause this was how it was supposed to be. Harry was supposed to hate me, I was supposed to be depressed and the lads were supposed to be worried.

But what was I supposed to do now? Now, when I had sunk to the bottom for the last time? Was I supposed to step up and just live with it like I had done for so long or was I supposed to fight to get it better or was I supposed to give up? To give in to my thoughts of just finishing it all. Just get it over and done. Leave without any regret, ‘cause I had nothing left here. I should just leave. Leave this life and everybody who was involved with it. Leave Harry, Zayn, Liam Niall, my family, the fans, my other friends and leave myself.

It was probably the best thing to do. It was probably not the right. The right thing to do would be to fight for my life and to break free and just make peace with it all, take the help my friends were offering and stop being so stubborn. That was probably the sanest thing to do and the fairest thing.

But I didn't feel like fighting for any longer. And I was not in my sanest state and life wasn't fair. This situation wasn't fair! It just wasn't. I didn't want to take this anymore. I wanted to leave. I wanted to run away from all this hurt and all this damn feelings! Just be by myself somewhere peaceful.

There was a knock on my door. What did he want now?

“Yes?” the door opened and Harry stood there awkwardly.

“I…I think we should talk Louis.” he said and I nodded and Harry sat down beside me on my bed. What did he want to talk about? Was it possible that the scene outside the bathroom was true? Was it reality and not just my imagination?

“I’m sorry.” was all he said and after a while when I understood that he wasn’t going to continue I opened my mouth.

“Me too.” Harry looked at me confused and a bit surprised.

“What are you sorry for? You haven’t done anything wrong.”

“I’m doing wrong all the time. I’m making the wrong decisions. And I’m sorry for being so awful and a mistake for a friend.” Harry looked at me with wide eyes.

“You did so not just say that.” he said in a warning tune.

“But I did and it’s true, we both know that Harry. You more than everyone else.”

“You seriously think your awful and doing wrong all the time? And that you’re a mistake for a friend?!” Harry screamed and I looked down at my lap while I fought the urge to scratch the new made cuts and make them open up again. I just wanted to feel the pain and see the blood… 

Could Harry leave so I could do that before my head exploded because of my headache and the high-pitched howl.

When I didn’t answer Harry sighed and I could feel his eyes burning on me. I wasn’t going to look up. I held my wrist tight in my other hand.

“You can’t think like that. That’s not what the Louis I know would think. The Louis I know would never ever think something like that. The Louis I know is strong.” the Louis he knew was strong. But this Louis was weak and couldn’t do anything right. This Louis sucked at everything, he was ugly, stupid, gay, depressed and wants to kill himself. This Louis has tinnitus. This Louis was wrong. This Louis didn't have any friends. 

This Louis was me.

“But that Louis is in the past. This Louis is me and there’s nothing to do.” I said and Harry shook his head.

“There’s a lot to do. And I will do whatever I can to bring my Louis back, ‘cause I know he’s still there.” Harry said and my nails pressed into my cuts and I let out a breath I hadn’t noticed I had been holding in.

“Do whatever you want but don’t expect too much.” I answered and tried to not make my arm bleed while Harry still was here.

“Stop sounding like that. Like you’ve already given up and like there’s no more hope.” Harry said and I sighed. Why would I sound different? There was no hope left and I had given up. I was finished. I was at my last straw and I was soon gone.

“Maybe I sound like that ‘cause it’s the truth Harry! Maybe it’s because I don’t want this anymore. Have you ever even thought about how I feel? Have you ever wondered why I am like this? Have you ever taken a minute just to think about me?! And I know that you’re not here ‘cause you want to be. I heard your conversation with the lads in the car. I know that you would rather have any of them here so you could go and do something you want. But you can do that. I don’t need or want you here either, so you can just leave and keep going like nothing ever happened. You can just go and forget about me.”

“I’m sorry. I should have known that this would do no good. I’m going to make tea do you want some?” Harry asked and I shook my head. He gave me on last glance before he left and closed the door.

Why did I feel so disappointed? This was what I wanted wasn’t it? I wanted him to leave and to just simply stop caring about me.

Then why did I feel even worse now that he was gone?

A/N: OMG!! Over 10k on Worthless!!!!! That's freaking insane!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe it!!! Thank you all so so so so much!! And then to the sadder part...Worthless is coming to an end...there's only two more chapters and then an epilogue. But either way, thank you!!

Lots of love

/Agnes :)

(4/10: I doubted on if I should take away this authors note, 'cause I've already done it with the earlier but I was so happy when I wrote this so I'll let it be here :) Unbelivable to think that Worthless now has over 200k. Oh god...)