Encanto Headcanons and Angst

Isabela's Thoughts (Character Study/Angst?)

TW: I really don't know. Maybe some slight implications of su1cidal thoughts but it really depends on how you interpret it

Sometimes it feels like I'm in the ocean. Everyday is just me trying to gasp for air and shout for help, but the waves drowns out my voice. I grapple at nothing but water. I'm slipping, crumbling, sinking, drowning.

Maybe one day it'll all be better. Maybe it'd be better if I finally gave in to the crashing waves. Then, I can just float peacefully, drifting across the sea. Even when I'm sinking, it would not bother me anymore.

But right now? I'm struggling, but I don't intend on giving in, because, well...

Wouldn't it be selfish to not try my best?

It would be selfish to just give in and relax, when Abuela had basically shoved everyone aside just to pour her heart and soul into paving a perfect (perfect. ᴵ ʰᵃᵗᵉ ᵗʰᵃᵗ ʷᵒʳᵈ) future for me. She'd walked and talked and scolded just so that I could thrive under the light.

It would be selfish to run around, wild and mischievous, when the image of the familia is bound on me. Abuela had built a reputation. And since no one else seems to realise that, it's up to me to maintain it.

It would be selfish to jump in the mud in overalls in the rain, when Mirabel's door faded 10 years ago, leaving whispers and rumours flying wild in the town. I (along with the adults, of course) was the one to conceal the stain on our history, the one to smother doubtful glances towards my little sister with bouquets of beautifully pink roses. They are symmetrical. They are all the same. They are perfect, so why wouldn't they be the same?

...Speaking of Mirabel. I don't...resent her (right?). Not exactly. After her gift ceremony (which was a disaster), most of the family either wanted to smother her in affection or brush her to the side with disregard.

I felt the fierce, burning need to protect. I wanted to strangle all the rude, whispering villagers. I wanted to punch the town bullies in the gut. I wanted to glare down all the hurt looming over her. That tiny, bright happy girl that has too much on her shoulders even at 5 (like the rest of us, but I'd assume she has it the worst [?] Or at least worse than me).

But I concealed everything with a gentle, practised smile. Like I always do.

I learnt a lot of things, to steal every ounce of attention (that would usually turn into disappointment) from Mirabel, so that she could run and dance and sing like she's supposed to. I learnt to swallow down my nervousness and speak confidently. I learnt to hide sweaty hands with blooming flowers. I learnt how to stop tripping over vines (contrary to popular belief, I take after Pa at this). I learnt what kind of flowers every one of the townspeople liked. I learnt when to laugh, when to smile. How to laugh. How to smile. Just a few things that comes in handy.

And it'd worked. For a while. Then Mirabel would come in, bustling, buzzing with energy (too much), knocking over decorations (clumsy), laughing too loud (irritating to certain people), smiling too hard (it'd look fake), playing pranks (and she wonders why people are annoyed!). She'd make all the angry whispers and attention gather all onto her again. The same attention I'd been trying so hard to get off her.

Another thing with Mirabel is that she doesn't know how to read faces. She can't tell when peoples' faces contorts with annoyance even when a smile is plastered onto their faces. She can't tell when Abuela's tone gets cool and harder (that's a sign that she's irritated. It'd be best to get off her face at times like this, or give her a gift and a kiss on the cheek), even when her words are kind. She can't tell when someone's voice is cracked and strained, holding back an angry shout.

It's hard to not get annoyed. Even harder when I'm already tired, and so the first insult slipped out of my mouth. Then the second one. Then the third. And then the snowball's suddenly too big to restrain anymore, and our relationship...well, you can say it collapsed.

And I'd be lying if I say that I am not angry at her. I am. But I'll also be lying if I say that I am not guilty. I've wanted to make things right. But it's too hard. It's too late. Or at least I don't have energy to do so anymore, and for now I'll leave that job up to the rest of the familia. I hope they're doing better. I only notice things about them to keep a smile on their faces now. I can barely feel anything. The mask I wear is feeling more comfortable than my own skin by now (I'd know. I've tried taking it off when I am alone in my room. It felt terrifying)

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Abuela would rant and vent to me. She'd keep on a cool face most of the time, but when she comes home and we're alone together she'd start talking. I'm glad that she trusts me enough to do so, of course. I'm glad that she knows that I'd always be able to calm her nerves down with nudging remarks, a soft smile on my face, and hands full of dancing carnations.

So maybe this is my problem. Maybe it's my problem that I feel pressured to hear the aftermath of other beings' doings. Maybe I should've just felt honoured, then throw the troubles out of my head.

But then again, I'm glad. These rants she has, it gives me new senses on what she dislikes and what she hides. Then I can avoid these things. (For example, once Señor Flores asked too many questions, although he means well. Abuela came back like a hawk with ruffled feathers, but with the same calm demeanour she usually has. She made quite a fuss about it afterwards, though. I avoided asking too many questions about minor inconveniences after that. I could figure it out myself)

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So what now? I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do with my future. Screw that. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with myself. I don't know who I am, without the pretty flowers that basically makes me who I am.

Sometimes only the sharp, jabbing pains in my body (how did they even get there? I don't remember bumping into something) reminds me that I am, indeed, alive. Therefore, I am grateful for these pains.

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I'm tired. I'm really tired.

Can I get a break?

No?

You're right.

I have important work to do.

Author's note below:

HI I know that I basically just disappeared for a bit 💀 This chapter is one of the hardest but also easiest chapters to write (totally not because I'm lowkey projecting HA)-I hope you enjoyed it though >:} Expect more updates in July, 'cause we have finals in June so- XP