REM // Van McCann

45. Letters

Clara worries a lot and doesn't do well with change. Luckily, all the big things are done and over with. She's since found a job and is working now and right this minute, she's taking her driving test to get her license. My hope is that she'll pass so I can discuss my plans for the future with her which terrifies me.

I know her parents will move soon. She's been in the UK over half a year now and her dad is usually moving the family every year or so. If the timing is right, hopefully I'll be able to move to America at the same time her parents are moving to a different country. They've not talked to me much but I'm someone they trust so I don't think her parents would mind if she moved with me. But it's not my decision. It'll be up to Clara to decide if she wants to move with me or stay with her parents. I'm hoping she moves with me but there's always that uncertainty.

But then again, why am I worrying so much? What if I'm not offered a job in America? What if I'm not selected for an H1B visa? There are so many things that can change the course of my future that I've made backup plans as well. I've already looked for work opportunities in the UK, most of them leading me to London which I wasn't too thrilled about. I've been to London a handful of times for holiday and I think I've got an aunt living there, but the city life is a huge contrast to what I'm used to. I'm not sure I'll like it.

I opened up my phone to check my email. The Seattle program I'm interested in wants to schedule a phone interview with me. I responded back with my availability and am still waiting to hear back from them. The wait is making me nervous and doing this behind Clara's back makes me feel guilty. I'll tell her someday when the time is right, whenever that is. The room was suddenly suffocating so I got up and stepped outside for a smoke.

Clara was testing for ages. I didn't see what time she was called in but it felt like I was waiting longer than an hour. She finally emerged, following the lady shyly. She knows if she passed or failed but the expression she had was unreadable. It's like she's always nervous.

"It was a pleasure driving with you. Have a great day!" the lady exclaimed.

The lady was cheery but I wasn't sure if she was letting her down gently or congratulating her. I got up and made my way towards Clara which seemed to snap her from her thoughts. I held my arms out and hugged her, smelling her perfume and pulled away.

"How'd it go?" I asked, watching her carefully. My gaze was too intense because she looked down shyly.

"I passed," she announced and I hugged her once again and lifted her. She squealed which caused people in the room to look up but I didn't care. All I could think about was how proud I was of her.

"I knew you could do it. Let's go get your license then." I held her hand and pulled her with me but she got out of my grasp.

"Tomorrow. It's getting late, isn't it?"

She's right. There were many people sitting here that were testing their luck on being seen today. There's no way they'll get to everyone.

"Yeah, we can go back tomorrow," I told her.

When we got in the car, I had her explain what happened. She pulled out a copy of her passing score and tried to decipher the examiner's scribbles.

"I got dinged a few points for parallel parking," she frowned.

"What happened? You know how to parallel park," I responded.

"I got nervous and turned the wheel too much so I hit the curb. She had me try again and I made the same mistake so she told me to move on. Luckily that wasn't too many points."

"That's because I wasn't in the back threatening you to snog me," I teased and she began blushing at the memory, holding the paper up to cover her face.

"I'd fail for sure if you were in the car."

"For that, you owe me a kiss!" I teased, leaning over the console and reaching for her. She rolled up her paper and swatted me away and I laughed, retreating back.

I was brought back to when we first started dating. I admit I was a bit eager so I'd take any opportunity to get my hands on her and snog her. She wasn't used to it so she'd turn red every time. She hates it when she turns red but I secretly love it and make her blush any chance I get. She's since been more open to affection and doesn't pull away as much anymore. Sometimes after driving lessons, we'd spend the remaining time snogging in the car until she had to go. My hands first stayed on her waist but then they'd slowly wander. Now we're at the point where I can squeeze her bum and get away with it.

We've never talked about getting intimate but she knows I get turned on and wouldn't mind. But it really depends on her and when she feels ready. I have no plans to bring it up; I'd rather it come from her. And it's tough because I'd go home after seeing her and have to help myself because the desire is too much. Maybe I'm just horny all the time but I enjoy the other things as well. Sometimes she'll come over to my place and we'd just cuddle on the couch and talk for hours about what's going on in our life. My favorite thing is when she runs her hands through my hair or plays with my hair until one of us falls asleep.

She's also keen on writing me letters every few weeks even though we see each other often enough to not warrant them. I always get excited when I get them from her. She'll choose different stationary or get a new pen. She's careful with the words she says and talks about things we don't talk about in person. It's an insight into her mind which is a beautiful yet dark place. She wouldn't dare tell me these things in person because she knows I'll worry about her but with letters, she can get it off her chest.

Contrary to what you think, we don't discuss the contents of the letters. What's in the letters stay in the letters and is different from what we talk about in person. She reveals more about herself in them. It's easier for her to write what's on her mind than to talk about it. I've tried to write back to her once, asking for her address but she didn't want me to. All she wants to know is if I read them and I tell her I do. I also told her I keep them so I can read them over and over again.