The Memories of Ivy

Down the enchanted river

Spring was up and coming
Leaves were sprouting and going green
Flora smelling sweet and succulent
I knew that it was time
The school quarter that I return
To the theatre where I felt at home
But I also was cursed to fall back again
To relive the same old dreaded plot
I never want to involve anyone in
And somehow I still do it
As it is all déjà vu and yet so stereotypical
Like a toxic painkiller
I can't get enough of it

I walked into the audition room
With confidence in one hand
And my résumé in the other
Breathed in theatre and exhaled stardom
I amazed the director with gravitas
The prize was right on my lap
Yet one thing was in the way
Exiting the room I looked to the right
And saw you

You were in your 20s, roughly my age
Hoping to earn a role in the play
We were similar, you and I
Bearing a belt of college theatre experience
Only difference being
The online platform I learned mine from
I only remembered your face
But not your name
Either I didn't hear it the first time
Or brushed it away
Wasn't sure if I'd see you after
Until we met again at the first table read

You had a smile I couldn't exactly shake off
Or erase from my memory
Seeing your eyes made me
Take a peek into the window of your soul
A soft soul and so gentle
I wondered more and more
If I'm more doomed than ever
To repeat the familiar story
I lived and read over and over
Enough times that I'm already tired
And wishing I stayed sleeping
And forgetting how it went

Knowing how the story ends
Froze my very being
I didn't want to be punished or forced out
I've already been through it
And it was enough
I'd rather it be less than more

Is it better that I tell you now?
If I do it, it might not sit well with you
You could tell anyone and I'd be mad
Not at you but at myself
Because I'll believe it was a mistake
To tell you the truth
But holding that in would've hurt more
I don't know and I can't be sure
Of what you'll do with what you now knew
Will it change what you think of me?
Or will I accept the fact that
It's not a "we", just "you" and "me"?

I'll look ahead, and hope for the very best.

***

Reflection: this was actually a bit more recent and current. And I wanted to write and post it up now before I forget. So, she was a fellow actor I was working alongside in a college play. She was very nice and sweet, and she had this look about her and I couldn't really get it off my mind.

As of writing this, I'm debating whether or not I should tell her, before I lose my shot at the opportunity. From prior experience, blowing my shots really hurt me emotionally and mentally. Knowing the consequences of telling her, also from prior experience, I want her to know that we are friends, and that even if I like her, we'll still be friends after. I'll still find my person, even if it's not her. I just want her to know that.