love, your sweet p

     "Press, come try this shirt on," Mom calls me over.

     It's a peach gingham crop top. It's just a shirt. Mom's talking about it like it's the next best thing. I put on a smile and try it on. She likes it so I pretend to like it and I put it in the basket. This cycle continues until there are enough clothes in the basket. After that, Mom just starts shopping. Laundry detergent, deodorant, snacks. The usual.

     "Go pick out something from the dollar section. Maybe like a craft, or something," Mom tells me and I speed walk to the dollar section.

     The dollar section, over the years, has morphed into a five-dollar section, but it still has one-dollar items. I find this potted plant with a pot that I can color in with some crayons that will definitely break apart. I grab it and rush back to Mom, who's moved to the checkout line.

     Once we checkout, we go back to the car with what should have been one bag turned into three bags. The last shopping spree is done. I don't deserve this amount of money being spent on me. Now is the last car ride to the apartment. More karaoke and more me being exhausted from not sleeping for three days.

     By the time we get home, it's almost time for lunch. I decide to put on one of the new outfits that I have: a denim dress for lunch. I take my head out of the ponytail and I scroll on social media. My social media following has skyrocketed ever since it was announced I would be on Dance Moms.

     Everybody looks so happy. They look like they are having the time of their life. I'm not any different. I look so excited about life, a big smile plastered on my face, spreading positivity. Sometimes the most positive people can be struggling the most.

     After about ten minutes of scrolling, I hear a knock on the door. It's Gia. Last lunch with a friend. Last hangout. So many lasts today. I put on a fake smile and I run to the door so I can say hi to Gia. Time for Lunchables and a team jacket.

     "Hey Gia, how are you?" I ask and she hugs me.

     "Hi, bestie!" she cheers and she comes into the apartment.

     I go to the fridge and I grab two Lunchables. The best lunch when I was younger. My last Lunchable. Mom is on the living room couch and she waves at Gia. She remains on her phone while we sit down at the small two-person dining table. This is one of the most exhausting lunches I've had. Riding on nothing but having to remain peppy and cheery at the same time is tiring. It makes me feel even more broken. Why can't I feel these feelings for real?

     After a lunch of processed meat and cheese, we head to my room. I just hope she doesn't find the Advil under the bed. That would be devastating. She hops on my bed and I turn on the small television that my bedroom has, turning it to The Jersey Shore.

     "Hey, I wanted to give you something. I'm going to be shifting around some stuff in my room and I don't want it to get ruined. Do you mind holding it on to me?" I ask.

     "As long as it isn't drugs, yes," Gia jokes and I fake a giggle, going into my dresser to pull out my team jacket.

     Gia looks shocked for a minute and hesitantly takes it from my arms. I smile softly. She'll take good care of it.

     "You want me to hold on to this?" Gia confirms.

     "Yeah. If anybody should, it's you," I answer.

     "Thanks. Anyway, have you seen the new dance on TikTok?" Gia asks as she quickly changes the subject.

     The handoff of the jacket is successful. For the next three hours, I force myself to hang out with one of the most cheery people on the planet. It does keep me awake. And Snooki keeps me awake. Snooki is our favorite character after what happened a couple of months ago.