love, your sweet p

i'm sorry.

March 14, 2019

Dear Diary,

     Today was the worst day of ALDC yet. Today just reminded me over and over of how worthless I am. It reminded me how much I don't deserve to be at the ALDC. These past few weeks, even though it's gotten dimmer and dimmer, I thought maybe I had a chance of earning my spot back on the team, at least in my eyes. But now the light has flickered off. I'll get to why later. I like going chronologically.

     Abby had decided to start with me first. Immediately, she reminded me the only reason I have scissors is because I have really bad feet. Until I fix my feet and flexibility, I need to have a gimmick. I'm a broken mediocre dancer. Saying that her brain on chemo was the only reason I was here.

     Then she made fun of my thighs. That broke me. I thought my body was okay, but now it's horrible. My thighs are too big, my feet are sickled eighty percent of the time. I'm just bad. I don't know how else to describe it.

     Mom makes sure every day that Abby didn't knock me down. I always lie and say that I'm still as confident as I was when I walked in here. She never has to know. I can rebuild myself when I get out of the ALDC. I don't blame Abby at all. She's only telling the truth. She wants to help me, but I feel unsalvageable.

     For a sprinkle of good news: Hannah got the solo. It's called Daydreamer. She got it because she apologized for her panic attack, which she shouldn't have had to do. It's just another way to see how broken down we've become.

     Yolanda came right before group rehearsal, saying that Elliana can learn his solo tonight. Abby looked happy, even though she only gave her a forty-five-minute time slot to learn it. Better than nothing. Then Abby said I had to win or else because I had the most amount of time and if I lose, then I'm going to seem like a jerk.

     The group dance is still a mess. Nothing is clean and sharp at all. If I wasn't here, even though there wouldn't be enough people to qualify for the group dance category, at least the group dance would be better.

     Now it comes for the reason my spark completely flickered out. At this point in time, my flicker was at ten percent. Then we had an impromptu ballet class. All Abby did was yell at my body for looking the way it does.

     That was it. I wanted to kill myself right then and there. I still do. Mom caught me slapping my thigh in the bathroom a couple of hours ago, trying to get the thigh fat to come off. It was awful. I know that's not how to remove thigh fat, but I'm going crazy.

     I want to die.

Love,

sweet p