In The Aftermath of Us

Blink Your Lights

*how the crossover should've ended*

Her soft chocolate eyes glanced from her hands that were clasped in her lap to his face. He was quiet, but it was a good quiet because for the first time in months he was at peace. The case had gone exceedingly well, having ended in the rescue of Sara Sanchez. 

"Do you miss it?" She whispered, as her eyes averted from him and stared out the glass car window. Her eyes now fixated on the gate outside his home. 

"I'm sorry?" He answered back as if he hadn't caught what she had just said. 

"I said, do you miss it? SVU?" Her breath hitched in her throat as her eyes floated back to him. She stopped herself from letting slip the one question she knew he'd never be able to answer. 

"I miss it, yeah... more than anything in the world." He responded quickly, as he locked eyes with her. 

"Do you know what I miss most? I mean aside from running around the city with you Elliot..." Her eyes started to cloud, and she had to bite her lip. These conversations with him since his return always managed to push her to the brink of tears. Because in those moments she'd realize how badly the 10 years and thousands of miles difference had destroyed her. Utterly. Completely. Destroyed her, that was until she didn't know what life was like before he had moved into SVU. 

"Me too..." Elliot whispered as he reached for her hands, gently removing them from her lap and intertwining them with his, "I miss us too," he knew what she was thinking and he knew the pain or at least understood it. He could recall the nights he'd spent on his balcony in Rome, wine in hand and the sunset in front of him- the nights he'd think of her. Her dazzling eyes, her luscious hair,  and her contagious smile, the way her very presence would render him into oblivion. 

"Why did you leave me El?" There she had said it, she had finally asked the question that had been nagging at her since his return. Actually, the question that had been nagging at her for nearly 11 years. The question she'd ask herself every night and every day, every hour, every minute since he had abandoned her. 

"Because... leaving hurt less than losing you, Jenna... Sister Peg. I thought we were both going to die that day, and I knew that if you got hurt- even in the aftermath, I would never forgive myself. I pictured you bleeding out in my hands, and I couldn't stand that. The pain Liv... the pain of living in a world without you. That would've been a fate worse than death. I had to get out." He started to weep lightly as Olivia comfortingly rubbed her thumb against his palm, as a way to ground him.

"The day you left Elliot, that day was the worst day of my life... because that day I not only lost my partner, I lost my best friend, the other half of my heart. You Elliot Stabler are the other half of my heart, and the day you left I felt as if I would rather die. I would've rather died because you were no longer there, and I knew you would never come back if I asked you." She choked out, as she too began to weep.

"You see, that's where you are wrong Liv. I would've come back, I wanted to, God, I did. I thought about it too, but by then it was too late. Too much time had passed and I thought that for me to come back into your life, it would've caused more strife than you ever deserved."

Olivia pulled her hands away from his with a regretful look in her eyes, as she mouthed an apology. She then rubbed her hands over her face, and cried into them. Her body was heaving, heaving from exhaustion, and the overwhelming emotions that were coursing through her veins. She heard the click of his seat buckle and cringed, afraid that her display would cause him to run out of the car, but much to the contrary, she felt his warm embrace start the envelope her. As he placed a comforting hand on her back, rubbing soothing circles. 

"If I could take it all back, and do it differently, Liv, what I would give to make it up to you. To go back in time and drag myself out of my car, and up to your apartment to say goodbye. The hours I spent in Rome with Kathy- thinking of you. I would've given the world to be with you. I'm still prepared to do just that. I just need you to let me in. "

"I want to, trust me El, more than anything in the world. I want to, but the truth is- the truth is I'm afraid. I wish I could say it's because of Noah, and the notion of you possibly becoming more than just a stranger to him. I wish I could say it's because I don't want him to be hurt by the notion of you leaving one day and not coming back. But that wouldn't be the truth. The truth is El, is that I'm the one that's afraid. I'm afraid one day you'll just give up and leave again. The first time nearly destroyed me, but Elliot if you only knew... if you leave again, I'm not sure I could survive that. I'm not sure I'd have the will to pick up my heart and try to give it to someone else. You are the only person I will ever give my heart to. Despite the fact that everyone has warned me to stay away from you. I could never, I will never give up the hopes I have, the dreams, of us. I want to know that I can trust you El. I need to know, right here, right now that you wont leave, not now, not ever."

"I'm not going anywhere, not now, not ever. It's you, it's me..." He smiles gently as he pulls away from her, watching contently as she brings her eyes to meet his, a smile returning to her features as well. 

"It's us..." She concludes his sentence, taking his hands in hers once more, and bringing them to her lips, planting soft kisses on his knuckles, as a way to repay him for his kindness. "Thank you..." She breaths as her heart swells as he returns the gesture. His lips hovering over her hands sends butterflies through her. This was something they had never done before, not in 12 years of partnership, and certainly not in the years since his return.  

"Anything for you Liv," Elliot whispers simply, as he moves to open the car door, "I'll see you soon, alright?"

"Sounds great with me detective, stay safe out there," she responds as a chuckle escapes her, she missed this. She missed the old them, back when the world was simpler, and there wasn't 10 years of lost time to make up for. She only hoped that letting him back in wouldn't cost her, her heart. And she hoped that when it was all said and done they could be more than just friends. "Blink your lights when you get inside," She adds as he begins to climb out. 

This line stops him dead in his tracks, and he turns back to her. Remembering the instance in which 23 years ago he had told her the very same thing. That night in her car was the first moment he realized how much she meant to him. She might not have known it, but the phrase, Blink your lights, was the moment he decided she was the endgame. Yes, for 23 years she had been his touch stone, his angel, his soulmate. And now once again they were in a dark car, on a deserted street, together. 

"You're just gonna sit here all night until I do, aren't you?" He adds, to solidify the moment further. 

"Yes, yes I am..." 

This was it,  this was their parallel universe. And the new beginning of the rest of their lives.