Control

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It took Adyson a long time to accept my decision. I don‟t think she ever accepted it, but over time she did seem to become less angry with me. I don‟t know if it was because she knew she couldn‟t really change my mind or if she knew deep down that I was right.

I met with Dr. Phan three days after the incident when I was having my latest CT scan. She certainly had a different opinion than I on my decision to stop treatment. Although she repeatedly said that she understood that it was my choice, she also kept providing me with information regarding chemotherapy or other possible treatment options that I had yet to try. And I would repeatedly thank her, but inform her that my mind was made up, and I would rather spend this time with my family than dealing with the additional challenges that came with treatment.

Shortly after I met with Dr. Hannam. He was not surprised by my choice and was very supportive. He reviewed the scan I had taken the day of the seizure and confirmed what Dr. Jordanovich had said. My tumor had grown, double in size. Walter assured me that it would continue to grow, which I knew. How fast, he had no idea. The behaviour of my particular cancer was abnormal, both in speed of growth and frequency. It seemed to start and stop at strange times, and he had no idea what it was that triggered the accelerations. The fact that it continued to grow, quite rapidly, despite radiation was something that bewildered Walter.

He recommended I continue with my monthly CT scans to track the tumors growth and development. He encouraged me to keep in touch with him regarding symptoms or changes in behaviour. He would continue to monitor me both so I knew what was happening and to satisfy his own curiosity.

Life went on somewhat normally for the next several weeks. I still felt more tired than I had before I started radiation treatments, but Walter said that was to be expected. Eventually, my body would adapt back to a normal state. Or close to a normal state, considering I had never been exactly „normal‟.

The most noticeable difference I experienced since ending all treatment was the nausea. It dissipated almost immediately, and it felt strange for the first little while to not feel sick every time I smelled food or was around strong odours. It was the most prominent difference, and the one I was most thankful for.

I was able to return to work more focused than I had been while trying to juggle work, home and treatments. Although Josh would occasionally ask me if I was feeling alright, overall no one seemed to notice any change in me. As time went on and I slowly began to feel like my old self again, I no longer noticed any change either.

I still experienced the occasional headache, but they were dull and short lived. It was a reminder, when I was feeling a too good, that there was still a tumor in my brain that was going to kill me no matter how good I felt on any particular day.

During the third week of January, I was sitting in a meeting with the other vice presidents and some senior staff members. We were discussing our current accounts and their end of the year status, when I felt a pain in my forehead. It was a dull, pointed feeling, like when you press a finger to your forehead firmly. It was nothing more than bothersome for a long while, and I was able to keep my mind on the task at hand with little effort.

As the meeting wore on, I started to feel warm, my tie feeling like a noose around my neck. The pain in my head had started to spread across my forehead, now throbbing. The voices around me were hazy and I started having trouble listening to them. I forced my eyes to focus, hoping the intensity would somehow be able to clear my hearing and concentration. It didn‟t work. I let my eyes fall to the papers in front of me, giving myself a moment to collect myself. I closed my eyes for a moment, biting back a moan as the pain increased with each breath I took. I was tempted to excuse myself, but as I had already done so once this week, I wanted to try and stick it out. The meeting would end soon, and I didn‟t want to bring attention to myself.