Control

33

In the weeks to come the main task at hand was to find a balance in my life. I had returned to work, having run out of cavation. Thankfully no one noticed any change in me, as I had been able to have a week off from my treatments to somewhat recover before returning to the daily grind. I was still receiving treatments every other week, usually on a Thursday after work. This would allow me the weekend to recover, as well as spend time with my family and friends.

Since the frequency of my radiation treatments had decreased, so had the negative side effects. I still experienced a fair bit of nausea, but the violent episodes of vomiting seemed to have reduced significantly. I was still tired most of the time, but that was something I could fight through.

Dr. Hannam, along with Dr. Phan, had decided I would need to undergo monthly CT scans to monitor my tumor. Both had hope that the radiation would eventually kick in and begin to have the desired effect, although both also explained that they were unsure if this was going to be a realistic possibility.

Adyson had been almost bipolar in her mood swings since our meeting with Dr. Hannam. One day she would be mute, not speaking more than a few cursory words to me or anyone else. The next, she would be like a woman on a mission, either banging away on her computer searching the internet for any possible treatments or answers that may help me or chewing my ear off on things she found. She also hadn‟t taken well to how I was handling this latest development.

I wanted to live. I did. But for some reason, I didn‟t feel devastated at the possibility that that may not be an option for me much longer. Unless the radiation treatments worked, or some miracle happened soon, my tumor would eventually grow to the point of incapacitation.

I was dying.

I will admit that my own moods were as unstable as my wife‟s, despite my overall feeling of acceptance. Some days I felt desperate and hopeless, others I felt optimistic and positive. But most of the time I just felt numb and indifferent.

I knew that my reaction to this was not normal. Most people were passionate about their diagnosis, either to wallow in self pity or to use their anger as a building block to the courage needed to fight till the end. I couldn‟t explain why I felt the way I did. I did what was required of me, but had little drive to push beyond the basic motions of fighting my cancer. For some reason, I felt that this was how my life was supposed to go. That in some strange way, I had always known that my end would come much sooner than that of others.

My health varied week by week, feeling ill and tired one week, then comfortable and normal the next. I knew which weeks would bring which feelings. On the weeks of my treatments, even though they had been reduced to only one every other week, I anticipated the nausea, and it never failed to appear. Those weeks I would feel tired and drained, lethargic and nauseous. It usually lasted only a couple of days, lightening by the end of the weekend. On the weeks that I did not have treatments, I felt like myself. Although the fatigue never completely dissipated, for the most part I felt as if nothing had changed in my life, from a health point of view anyway.

My emotions and moods seemed to fluctuate as much as my physical health. Again, I could anticipate when my low moods would rise. I would feel anxious and moody before my treatments, anticipating the negative side effects that followed them. Afterwards, I would feel depressed and distant, anxious for the feelings to fade and for my normal life to return.

Adyson was as supportive as she could be. She had stopped trying to come up with new treatment options of suggesting other avenues for me to try, mostly because I usually bit her head off after hours of listening to her rambling. I knew she still searched for anything she felt would help me, but as I was now seemingly comfortable with my new role, she kept her findings to herself. Which also meant that she had yet to find anything that she felt actually had any hope of doing any good.